written: 4:47 p.m. on Monday, Nov. 29, 2004

I know it's been 24 hours and much more and I know that I missed him at the Heeren but I still have to say that I am still on a semi-high which I only half got off after his concert.

Seriously, that guy is amazing. If he weren't so musically-inclined, I would've written him off as a Taiwanese ah beng with little education and proceed to laugh at him. But how can you possibly pull your elitist snob thing on someone so brilliant? There's just something about him that I can't quite put my finger on, let alone his favourite word though, he's just damn bloody diao.

Anyway, I received an SMS from the security guy whom I asked to pass the letter on the day of the gig itself, and apparently he's somehow got it to Jielun's manager.

And with that, my faith in humanity has been restored.

Well, only partially so, but it's better than nothing, right? Yes.

But seriously, I'm quite surprised that the guy even bothered to SMS me to tell me how it went. I don't know if my disarming charm/smile has anything to do with it (I'm just kidding) but whatever it was...seriously, it's pretty amazing. I really wanted to give it to Jielun personally but since I couldn't, I'd just settle for the next-best alternative.

And to be honest, I'm not really looking forward to the book autograph session that much anymore. It's going to be super crowded, for one, and I hate crowds; for another, he won't even look up at you. I saw this other autograph thing he conducted in Taiwan and fans were going up with their Qi Li Xiang and he was just signing one after another, as if the table were a conveyor belt or something and he barely looked up at the person in front of him, and each person had about three seconds with him tops and that's it.

It's kinda dumb. It's exactly like those people who followed him around the Heeren when he was shopping there yesterday. What's the point? You can't even get close to him, let alone talk to him or ask for anything and things along those lines. And it's not really his autograph that I want, but the act of going up to him and asking him for it, and him obliging because he wants to, and not because he has to, like how it would be during mass events like a silly autograph session.

Having said that, I still cannot resist the temptation of seeing Jielun up close, so I'm still going, with my camera, and hopefully I can shake his hand or something. I've heard that he has really soft skin. Haha!

Too bad he's not really my type. I tend to go for educated guys. Yeah. He has to be able to keep up with me, intellectually. Bwahahaha. Oh god, how pretentious and egotistical did that sound? But it's true anyway. Think about it.

Going out later to get my photos. Yay! I seriously hope I can at least make out his face, or it would totally defeat the purpose of taking photos during his concert. Also, since I've always sucked at taking conventional pictures of people without making their faces blurry, I have a feeling that they're gonna come out pretty crappy...argh!

Anyway, I haven't been doing much the past few days, save for my great Jielun concert and my futile attempts at stalking said singer. Needless to even mention, my room is still in its state of exam-mess and I don't intend to clear it until I get back from Taiwan. My nose would probably fall off when I try to clear my stuff then but whatever.

And I've been thinking a little about university prospects. I know that I can get into NUS for sure; it's only a matter of the kind of grades that I go in with. But the thing is, I don't really feel like going to a local uni. I still kinda want to go to Yale, but I've given up on NYU because I don't think it's that great anymore, since it didn't make the top 50 universities in the world list, and also because it's freaking expensive. I forgot the sum but it was like, 45000 US dollars per year or something like that. Not really worth it.

But simultaneously, as much as I want to go overseas for I want the challenge, something is trying to convince me to stay. You see, the only reason I'd stay, ceteris paribus, is because I really, really don't want to drift further away from my roots than I already have. And by 'roots', I actually mean my Chinese-ness or lack thereof, my language and culture and ethnicity. It means a lot to me, and it's one of the few things that I'd cease to be selfish and die for. I mean, Singapore isn't exactly the greatest place one could think of to preserve ethnical traditions, but it's still better than, say, the USA, where people don't even understand Chinese, you know?

And I heard from Carine that I'd have to apply soon, before I get my results, if I really want to go overseas, or I'd have to wait for next year's intake.

Okay, I really fucking hate making decisions. On top of that, I don't even know what I wanna do. I like Econs and Lit but...I don't know. I don't know if I like them enough not to regret my choice. And I can't really choose between them either. I mean, I love Lit, I like Econs, but Econs is pragmatic while Lit is idealistic, you know? I still don't want to teach, so...

And on top of everything, I seriously think that I have forgotten how to write narratives. It's horrendous. But since I can't do anything about it until I come back from Taiwan, I shan't dwell too much over it in the meantime.

Right, I've lost the mood to write.

I love Jielun so much. I wish he could hold a private concert, just for me. I'd make him sing "Fan Fang Xiang De Zhong", since it's my favourite song of his of all time. I don't know why I like it, except that I love it. So.

Yeah, I'm flying off tomorrow morning, so this is probably the last entry until I get back. I doubt I'd have Internet access over there. So. Yeah.

I still love Jielun. I miss him already.

before sunrise // before sunset

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