a gun or a knife?
written: 6:14 p.m. on Wednesday, Jan. 26, 2005

I'm tired. A surprise, quite a shock, considering I did nothing the whole day, and I don't believe that lunch at Swensen's is enough to tire a person out.

Life is excruciatingly boring. Every minute that is wasted feels like a single drop of blood dripping from an open wound on my body that does not remotely exist, and it's been 18 years and then some, and I still don't know what I'm doing.

I went back to school yesterday to look for Miss Chin; asked her if I could put her down as a character referee on my MAS scholarship application (the scholarship that I will not get because I wasn't from Hwa Chong Junior College, bitterness fully intended). Eventually, she said no, because she didn't feel that she knows me well enough. Fine; I kinda understand, considering she only taught my class from July to September last year. Hence, Mel and I went to the canteen where we saw Mrs. Razal, and I called my civics tutor at night, and tada, problem solved.

But wait, not quite. The larger problem still exists.

You see, I don't know what's the point of applying for something that I know I won't even have a chance of getting. They look for high-flyers, Miss Chin said; Hwa Chong students, in other words. And what am I? Jurong Junior, that's what, and we're so smart that we actually have "JJ" as an official acronym, stitched on PE shorts and attached to the tail of the school's website URL.

To say that I am currently very disillusioned and discouraged and defeated will be a huge understatement. What can I say, really? I guess I did seal my fate in 2001, 2002, when I decided that I couldn't care less...and I couldn't begin to even describe how much I regret it, let alone explain it, and so, we can forget about coming to terms with it. I just need one opportunity to break out of my mould and go places, and as soon as that opportunity comes my way, I'd grab it and run like hell with it to the greener pastures I've always wanted.

But because I am me - a perpetual screw up - that opportunity will never surface. Too much has been broken, my fate almost completely etched in stone, and it's too late to do anything about it now. I can send in millions of application forms for millions of scholarships, but the truth still remains: they'd take one look at one or all of these things: my O Level results, Jurong Junior College and my CCA records, and press the 'delete' button. I might have said it as a joke at first, but now, I truly believe it.

Hey, I wasn't born a pessimist for nothing.

And then there's this other thing. University. Fuck, I really want to go back to school; I miss studying, the intellectual pursuits, the gaining of knowledge, sans the exams and the stupid people I had to put up with. Unfortunately for me, this working/work thing isn't as amazing as it's cracked out to be. In fact, I think it downright sucks like hell. In the first place, my qualifications automatically necessitate that there's a severe quota placed on the number of employment opportunites that I can seek; hence, it comes as no surprise, then, that all the things I can do are limited to the following: sales, waitressing, customer service, and admin/clerical work.

All of which are, obviously, mind-numbingly stupid and intellectually-irrelevant. It makes you wonder: what the hell is a person with adequate intelligence doing things like that? But then again, if that person doesn't do things like that, what else can that person do?

I don't know, you know? I hate this long break. It's such a waste of time, and I cannot wait to go back to school. But then, another problem arises: whenever I think of the seven books that NUS's Lit programme does in a year, I just want to cry. I don't want to do a Shared Major either; what the fuck is the point of doing half a subject? But at the same time, I don't want to be forced to choose between Lit and Econs. I want to take the former because I fucking love it, and I want to take the latter because it promises better jobs than Lit does, and because my dad wants me to (at least it's not something preposterous like chemical engineering or whatever). If I were still 16, I'd insist on majoring in Lit no matter what, but sadly, I've lost most of the idealism that took me through my secondary school years, and the principle of capitalism and the profit motive has since taken root.

I don't like myself very much sometimes. And right now, I'm beginning to hate the direction in which my life is heading. It's obvious that I'm stuck in Singapore, which means that I'd be missing out on so many things that could be mine if I had the chance to get the hell out of this stifling country. (Dear Mr. Goh: I'm definitely a quitter.)

You know what, I'm not making sense. Things are quite bleak right now. I wish I were more intelligent.

before sunrise // before sunset


Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010