i can't do titles.
written: 4:17 p.m. on Thursday, Jan. 27, 2005

**

I'm seriously contemplating working as a waitress. I called up this cafe located at Far East Square - which I've never heard of but that's just me - and I'm supposed to go down for an interview tomorrow. The pay is pretty shitty: $5 an hour. But that's just the minimum, and although the guy who answered the phone did say that the amount one is paid depends on one's experience, and I obviously have no experience, I'm thinking that I might be able to negotiate for more money. Like, $6 or something.

If all else fails, I can always fall back on my charming good looks.

Bwahaha. Bullshit.

I know, this is quite a far cry from my previous mantra of "I'll never work as a waitress because a genius was not born to serve people", blah blah blah. The reason for my sudden change of heart is pretty simple: I was talking to my ex-civics tutor two nights back, and she suggested that I did things that I'd never do again, like waitressing and other measley-paid jobs, just for fun.

And that got me thinking: well, why the hell not? I'd do it for a month, quit and then look for something else. Sounds pretty good.

Still, I don't know. I kinda want to and I kinda don't. But I guess we'll just see. I'm officially damn sick and tired of the doggy job anyway.

**

I'm still fucking terrified. I don't wanna know what I got for the A Levels. If it's anything less than AAA, you'll never hear from me again.

**

Went to Parkway Parade today. Coerced my mom into buying a nice pink Mango top for me. I wanted a skirt too, a nice peachy one, that costs only $30 before the 3% or whatever discount to which my mom's Isetan card entitles her, but she was like, "The skirt looks so giam cai (or however that is spelled)! Why are you always buying skirts that look the same? The only difference between all your skirts is the colour!"

We were talking on the phone, and I was like, "..." Silence, and then, "Yeah?"

God, I was damn pissed off. For once, I actually could fit into a size S skirt and it looks damn good and my mom refused to buy it for me. Bleah. I'll have to get it myself then, and I certainly have enough money for that.

Seriously: how I wish I were rich.

**

God I'm so scared that I could die. I wish I could stop thinking about the A Levels but something seemed to have happened to me that's triggering all these useless, stupid and erratic thoughts.

No don't, I don't wanna know, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna admit defeat, I don't ever wanna know that I have failed.

Because I think - know - that I have. And I don't ever want to face up to it.

**

How do you live with yourself when your bubble has been burst and the truth is exposed to you for the first time and your convictions turn out to be nothing more than mere helium upon which groundless fantasies are built?

How do you continue to face yourself when the thing you want most in the world finally escapes from your reach and you're left grasping nothing but empty air molecules whose indifference seems to painfully burn your skin?

How do you go on holding your head up high when Failure finally comes knocking and everyone knows and everyone feels sorry for you but you just wish that they'd fuck off and leave your wounded pride alone?

I may be too early, but I have a distinct and awfully real feeling that the above are what I would have to grapple with in a few weeks' time.

MAS will never call me.

SPH will never call me.

NAC will never call me.

I should stop wasting my time, my mom's petrol, and postage money.

Oh, and printer ink, too.

**

Something I heard in the lift at Parkway today:

"Wah, �k deceiving leh!"

A woman and a man, going off in Chinese about some singer, and the above was uttered by the woman. Now I finally understand why Singaporeans speak horrifically awful Mandarin. They mix English and Chinese together, such that they forget (how conveniently too) that they have to change the di san sheng to di er sheng for certain phrases, like yu3 san3. Even though yu, as in rain, is pronounced yu3 di san sheng, when you say 'yu san', as in umbrella, it becomes 'yu2 san3'.

Back to the 'hen deceiving leh'. When Singaporeans say the word 'deceiving', the first syllable tends to be di san sheng, going by Chinese phonetics. And since 'hen' is also di san sheng, 'hen deceiving leh' thus becomes 'hen3 de3ceiving leh'. (Which, in my opinion, sounds fucking horrible but I'm sure we're all aware of that by now.) This will go on for the average Singaporean's entire lifespan, and the end result? When that stupid bugger wants to speak in Chinese, the dumb ass will get his phonetics all screwed up.

Hearing that in the lift only served to further concretise my conviction that I HAVE TO LEAVE THIS COUNTRY OR ELSE I WILL GO PERMANENTLY INSANE. No offence to Singaporeans, although I certainly don't mean it, but gosh, you guys suck at languages. People who can't speak English...can't speak proper Chinese either. And it really, really bothers me, so much that I can't even begin to describe it in a precise, rational manner, and to even try will have me descending into the fiery and despicable pits of incoherence.

Ugh. It's not that I purposely want to nit-pick or to find flaws in others; it's just that I really can't help it. Whenever I hear such things my reflex action is to pull a disgusted face and get away from the person/people as soon as possible, with an exaggerated roll of the eyes to show that I so totally disapprove.

But what right do I have, right? My Chinese sucks, and I say 'meh' like a Singaporean sheep. I try not to, but it's been entrenched so deeply in me that it just comes out without me even thinking about it sometimes. And that drives my father crazy. Maybe I got my linguistic purist inclination from him, but whatever it is, I certainly have it, and my tolerance for my fellow countrymen's ignorance is wearing very, very thin.

What are we gonna do?

**

Using the above as a point of departure, I'd just like to comment on the new Speak Mandarin Campagin.

Frankly? I think it's fucking stupid. The government's agenda is obviously economic in nature, and for that reason, I'd rather they not place any emphasis on Chinese at all. Placing an economic value on my language only serves to cheapen it, and that pisses me off.

I've said this a lot of times already, but what the hell. I really can't explain coherently why Chinese is so important to me, why I'm so damn incomplete without it, why I have to master it before I die or I'd die utterly incomplete. Perhaps it's sentimentality, but even so, I don't give a shit. It's instinctive - something I know for certain that will always matter, because the sense of loss that constantly lurks at the back of my consciousness is all too palpable and real.

And so, I hate it when Chinese is picked up by the government and prostituted across the country as a language of economic value. Learn Chinese so that you can do business in China! Take advantage of China's vast market! Imagine the profits you'd reap!

Oh, fuck off, really. Learn Chinese because you want to. Learn Chinese because you care enough to. Learn Chinese because it's who you are.

Don't learn Chinese just to do business in China. It's the dumbest thing ever.

**

On a random note, I'd just like to announce that I love Jielun's Wa Jie, a song he wrote for Nan Quan Ma Ma, which he sang during his Taipei concert.

And speaking of Zhou Jielun, I'd also like to announce that I want to marry him, and that I want to marry him now. It's funny: the more I listen to him, the more I fall for him. All my past obsessions used to be the other way around: I'd fall head over heels for the band/singer/actor/whatever, and as time passes, that obsession will fade in intensity, until one day, it's completely gone.

But not for Jielun. It started out as fingertips gently grazing naked skin, progessing to a touch, and then some groping, and now, it's full-blown orgasm. I don't really know why that is either.

But then again, perhaps it's not important after all.

I so cannot wait for the release of the concert DVD.

I so cannot wait for his new album.

I love Jay Chou Jie Lun.

this entry requires chinese simplified encoding

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010