i suck at writing.
written: 8:57 p.m. on Monday, Feb. 14, 2005

First and foremost, I would like to announce that I finally watched Jielun's segment in the MTV Asia Aid show today, and I was so touched by his sincerity when he sang Wo Niu (Snail) that I almost cried. As usual, he screwed up Qi Li Xiang; he always screws up Qi Li Xiang when he does it live, which is rather befuddling as I don't think it's that hard a song to sing. I mean, Qe Qian is a million times harder, especially that super-high note during the climax, but he pulled it off so well during his concerts! But my point is, I was so proud of Jielun for showing the world what a genius he is (despite the slightly out of tune singing on Qi Li Xiang), singing his own songs, playing the piano, choosing a meaningful song for the tsunami aid event...wow. My new goal in life is to get myself a picture with Jielun sometime between now and the day that I die, and you know what? I'm gonna see that it's done, no matter what.

Call me crazy. I don't care. The folks should pay attention to this, but then again, I don't care. Blah blah blah.

Secondly, I haven't written lately because I simply didn't have the mood. Not only did I have nothing to write about, matters were further exacerbated by my lack of motivation to write too. Honestly, I think we've reached a stalemate here: writing has...it's became a chore. I don't even know what the hell I'm doing with my free time anymore. Ever since the nine-day stint ended, I've been doing nothing, and Chinese New Year didn't help matters at all. And um, I don't know what I mean by that either.

Life is undoubtedly, mind-numbingly boring. Whenever I think about the hell that I went through in junior college, I begin to dread going to school again. So I guess it's final: I'm an ass and I don't know what I'm doing.

But then again, what else is new? Hasn't that perpetually been the story of my life? The worst hell to be in is that of mediocrity, and I truly, honestly believe that I'm stuck there for the rest of my life.

I can't help being fatalistic and pessimistic; it's only the logical result of the shitty and unflattering and unexciting and uneventful and mediocre cards that life has chosen to deal me thus far. I'm painfully average in everything that I do, and I know it, and hence, it's time I attempt to come to terms with it.

Right, I've decided that I don't want to pursue that thread of thought anymore. For one, it's impossible to think when Jielun is singing his heart out to you; for another, I tried but I couldn't find the suitable words to properly continue with the above paragraph. So what does one do in such situations? Give up, of course.

So anyway. On another, superficial and materialistic note, I received a whopping grand total of $580 in hongbao money this year, and that's excluding the $30 I spent on Jielun's Incomparable Live DVD. Hence, if you do the math, I actually got $610 in total.

I know, how amazing. My uncle gave us $100 again; so did my grandmother; so did my paternal grandparents; and so did my parents, to my brother and I, that is. The average and usual amount that my uncles and aunties give is $20, and this year, an aunt from my dad's in Taiwan called and gave us $50.

I love Chinese New Year. I think I should spend the next one in Taiwan; I'd get money from my mom's side and from my Taiwanese relatives. And since my dad has like 8 siblings...wow. Wow!

Too bad my brother has school. Bleah.

This entry pointless. I like Desperate Housewives.

I think I should be writing more, but I guess my laziness extends to other aspects of my life as well, including those which I'm purportedly passionate about. So I guess the epiphany is this: I am a shallow, superficial, hollow existent, forever drifting in the vast ocean, with no shelter/shoreline in sight.

God, what a fucking stupid, unoriginal and retarded analogy. I suck at writing. I should die now. I think I will major in Economics after all, since a Lit major isn't gonna make me rich. And since I can't write, what's the point of taking Lit?

Okay, I'm seriously considering taking Chinese creative writing classes, just for kicks. Does anyone know of places that hold such courses? I don't even know where to begin looking. So, yeah.

One last thing: I donated $6 to the Unicef tsunami aid thing, while watching the MTV Asia Aid show (and it was way before Jielun's performance and way after his few-seconds plug asking people to donate). I was sick and tired of hearing about the tsunami; still am, as a matter of fact. As a matter of fact, too, the Asia Aid thing was quite irritating; how many times did Alicia Keys have to repeat "so please donate generously" anyway? But despite myself, which basically means my cynicism, watching the reports that CNN did for MTV made me reach for my handphone and make an SMS donation.

You know what would be the most amazing thing ever, such that it'd even top meeting Jielun and hanging out with him? Going down to the disaster sites and doing volunteer work.

But since I am a selfish, self-centred and materialistic bitch with overly protective parents, that is never going to happen.

One last random thought: I hate the phrase 'well-heeled'. How fucking stupid. If I have to read it another time in the Straits Times, I will cry bloody murder and cancel my subscription to the mediocre newspaper and read The New York Times online. I like Tay Yek Keak, Ong Sor Fern and Hong Xinyi, but most of the ST journalists cannot write to save their lives. And I seriously think that Lionel Seah is gay; just check out the way he mushy-ly wrote about Aaron Aziz in Sunday's stupid and asinine "Dishy Dad" (fucking idiotic attempt to alliterate) feature. And such features are so painfully stupid that I wonder how they even get past the brainstorming room or whatever in the first place. God. And Urban? It's so damn pretentious that I could cry.

I think it's time I switch to Lianhe Zaobao or something. At least I'd be impressed by the Chinese, even if it might be mediocre, since my Chinese is so lousy.

Right. This is it. My dad wants to use the laptop. And it's Zhi Zhan Zhi Shang now, possibly the best song Jielun ever recorded, right next to Ti Tian in terms of depth and social relevance. I love him to shreds, really. We should get married.

So, until next time, which could be ten million years from now, unless I regain confidence in my writing skills, which I currently believe are, sadly, non-existent.

Honestly? I should die. Somebody should pull the trigger now; the gun has been glued to my temple for too long. Metal's getting cold. It's getting bored.

I'm getting very, very bored.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010