yelen the nervous wreck (to put it mildly).
written: 6:19 p.m. on Wednesday, Mar. 02, 2005

I'm gonna die. It's only Wednesday and I'm already freaking out.

Wait, what am I saying? I've been freaking out since the beginning of February! But it's getting worse, you know. I'm like...a nervous wreck. A train wreck. A car accident. Fuck, whatever. I couldn't even play my MSN Games properly just now without going into cardiac arrests whenever I thought about this Friday.

And blah, my dad keeps insisting that my mom goes with me but I don't want company! Hell, I'm planning to watch a movie in the morning, go buy some underwear, and then reach school at 3-something. I don't want to sit through Kommunist Koh's speech and watch top scorers go up the stage and receive their accolades while I sit on the bloody floor in the dirty hall (hence getting my precious skirt dirty and gross) and wait in agony for my turn to get my results from my civics tutor. That was exactly what happened when I got my Os; the heart sank and sank as my name was not called out by the silly principal, hence confirming that I did not get this many A1s, whatever.

I love myself too much to put myself through that sort of agony. And back to that thing about my dad and blah blah blah: NO, MOM, YOU CANNOT COME WITH ME. I know you're afraid that I won't go home after I get my shit results due to depression or whatever but hell, I don't care, DON'T COME WITH ME OR ELSE I WILL LOSE IT.

Okay, so the thing is, I was freaking out too in 2003 before I got my Chinese grade and in the end I got an A2. Is that a good sign?

Blah, screw signs. I don't believe in signs anyway, although I'm quite superstitious, in the sense that I'm convinced that if something bad happens on Friday, there goes my grades; that I'm forcing myself not to picture positive scenarios in case I jinx it; and that...yeah, that's about it.

Should I even go for a movie on Friday morning? I'd probably end up wasting my money since I doubt I'd be able to focus on it. But then again, I don't think I'd be able to sleep on Thursday night, which means that I'd wake up freaking early on Friday, which means that I'd be home watching the hands of the clock tick away one excruciating second after another, and I think I'd go permanently insane if I don't do something on that day. You know?

I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared. I wish I didn't have to do this. If I don't get what I worked for, that's it. God, I staked everything on this stupid exam, you know? My only chance to redeem myself, to validate whatever intelligence I might possess..

Great, thanks a lot self, now you're making it even worse. I'm such an ass, really.

Shit, I wonder if my Econs can make it. Fuck, what if I'm worse than the average student in the entire cohort? Oh no! What if Jurong Junior was messing with me when I got like 97th percentile for the bloody subject? I mean, how can someone like me with zero aptitude in Math who didn't even know what that 45-degree income line thingy was for before the A Levels perform such a feat?

ARGH FUCK I WANNA DIE.

Yes, I know, a few years from now, I'd look back at this entry and piss my pants laughing, but screw a few years from now; this is now, and right now, this is the hardest thing I ever have to do. I'm sorry but breaking up with boyfriends was way easier than this.

I think I sound like I'm half-joking about this, but that's a mere front I put on to cover up the insidious but intense fear I feel inside.

It's gonna be worse than humiliation. Humiliation is about what others think, their perception of you, their jeering laughter. My pride may be denigrated, but at the end of everything, it's my own opinion of myself that is going to matter the most.

I'm not going to recover from this. I already know that I didn't get an A1 in GP; Cambridge would be awfully fucked up to award that shitty piece of shit essay I kind of wrote on Nov 4 an A1 (honestly, from the bottom of the cavity where my heart's supposed to be). I mean... I don't know what I mean.

I think I should stop typing this. It isn't helping.

On the bright side, I'm getting my 2% pay tomorrow and I'm going shopping so yay and all.

Oh, just help me. Put me out of my misery. You can use the gun; leaves a tidier mess than the knife.

Fuck my life.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010