yelen has reached a decision of sorts; congratulate her.
written: 6:21 p.m. on Wednesday, Mar. 09, 2005

But the thing is, when I was lying on my bed at about 3 a.m. before falling asleep, I began to feel really strange about possibly ditching Literature for good. Sigh. My old self would totally disapprove, but screw it. I'd major in Lit if I could do it at Cambridge, but since I've missed the deadline, I'd make do with whatever shit I can do at NUS first. And anyway, I intend to apply to Cambridge for next year's intake. I don't like the thought of competing with a bunch of 87-ers, but what can I do? It's that or nothing. I'd rather have something.

Well, the downside to the double honours degree programme is that it takes five whole years to complete. That's like half my life...okay, not even close, but it's freaking long all the same. In addition to that, I'm not entirely sure if I can survive it. I mean...hell, Economics in itself would've killed me in junior college if I didn't consistently study for it (though not always in depth), and law is an entirely new subject for me and the possibility of it annihilating me is always there. And Economics involves Maths - and I suck at Maths. Ugh, I really hate the fact that I didn't get 4A's. At first it was like, "Oh okay, nevermind lah, got 3A's very good already." But now? NO. Four other Arts students in JJC got 3A's!

I mean, okay, so I'm the only one with 3A's and an A1 in GP, but still. I'm intending to apply for a bunch of scholarships but I highly doubt that I'd be shortlisted for the first round of interviews. I don't even have any S papers, you know.

Sorry, I digress. Back to sucking at Maths. The 'C' says it all, doesn't it? People like Celene got an A in it while they're doing like triple science! How do people do it? I don't get it.

I hate Maths I hate Maths I hate Maths I hate Maths I hate Maths I hate Maths and I will always hate Maths. Even worse, I hate how I'm not good at it and how I'll always be bad at it, since it's freaking intrinsic. BAH.

Oh well. The good news is, if I apply to FASS, they're going to give me priority to choose my major. Yay, for once I'm eligible for special treatment given to students with good results. What a novel feeling. On the downside, I don't even know if I want to apply to it. I want to do so many things that I don't know how to choose, let alone why I have to choose. I mean, if I put Law as first choice, I don't think the Scholars Programme will even look at my application since the Law faculty isn't their partner. But if I put FASS as first choice, Law isn't going to call me down for an interview or for the test or whatever. What if I suddenly decide that I want to do Law instead? Does that even make sense? I don't know lah.

How annoying. I apologise for my insensitivity, but it sure is a pain getting good grades.

Great. I wrote a few paragraphs after the above and everything was deleted when I tried to uninstall some shit spyware crap that embedded itself in my system when I blog-surfed. Stupid people should not have blogs, I tell you. They like putting all sorts of junk on their stupid, lousily-written blogs that come with so many stupid pop-up ads and other nonsense along those lines that something will always go wrong with my Internet Explorer. And you know what, I can't stand blogs with music. It's irritating, especially if the music is shit and especially if it takes ten trillion years to load which will almost always crash my IE. Even more unforgivable are blogs with stupid cutesy layouts with retarded sprinkles nonsense that follow your bloody cursor everyfreakingwhere you point. Just use a nice arrow, for crying out loud! Less is more and all, you know? Good thing I copied and pasted the paragraphs before this one onto Notepad; otherwise, I'd be screaming bloody murder now and swearing all over the place.

And the best part? I lost my freaking Google toolbar and I have no idea how to put it back. FUCK! It had a pop-up blocker thingy!

Anyway. I think I'm quite sure about the double honours degree thingy - sounds like great fun, if you want my honest opinion. I'm attracted to Economics because it is intellectually stimulating, and Law because it sounds freaking cool and prestigious. I mean..."Hi, I'm Yelen and I go to Law school! Am I cool or what?"

According to Azrul, my History teacher said this about me: 'high natural ability. it really shows in her writing'. 'in a league of her own.' 'the only A in prelim. no Bs, the second-highest got Cs' etc etc'

That's enough to make me feel warm and fuzzy inside for quite a while. Just for the record, my History teacher is a genius. She was accepted by the London School of Economics but turned them down in the end to go to NUS. WHY???? I want a place in the London School of Economics too!

And fuck, my cousin's HCI friend got AAAB B4 and she's going to Oxford. HOW UNFAIR. I got AAAC A1! I should be going to Oxford too! If I'd applied to Cambridge last year, I might have a place there by now, you know. Ugh! I would've applied earlier if 1) I'd known about the early deadline and 2) I'd known that I'd really get the grades that I claimed that I'd get. Sigh. Life is freaking unfair.

All right, time to talk about my first day at StarHub yesterday.

So yeah. It sucked terribly. My job is so utterly boring that I can't fathom how I'm going to tolerate it for 8 weeks. Yesterday was training and I sat in the same room from 12.30 p.m. to 8 p.m. listening to the same thing and staring at the projector screen, looking at the same thing. And it didn't help too that I sat very close to the screen and I had to seriously crane my neck and twist my back in order to see the things that were projected onto the screen. Needless to say, my arse and my neck hurt like mad after that.

I'm never going for a data-entry job again. The system that StarHub uses is quite complicated too, even for a genius like me. Like, halfway through the training, I was like, "...??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" My job is essentially to update the information of customers who're switching their cable TV thing to Digital TV and there are many steps involved and I can't remember the exact seqence of all the steps. I mean, I'd know what to do when you take me to a particular step, but I don't really remember too well how to get to that step, you know? And it doesn't help too that today's my off day, which means that when I go back to work tomorrow, I'd probably forget half the things I learned yesterday.

Joy. I can't wait. I was late yesterday too; when I punched my time card it said 9.09 a.m. Haha. Apparently they're very strict about punctuality, in the sense that I'd be fired if I'm late like every day (which is a very high possibility). The preposterous thing is, reaching at 8.31 a.m. is also considered late if you're supposed to be there at 8.30 a.m. How nice. I can't wait for the contract to end. Hell, I want to do roadshows now; at least it's more interesting and less mind-numbingly boring and monotonous than data-entry. Sigh.

Anyway, I intend to exceed the required quota of processed forms starting from next week. Hahahahaha. It's a job for robots, for crying out loud. How difficult can it possibly be to do the same thing over and over and over and over again? After going through the agonisingly stressful A Levels, nothing can daunt me again!

I made friends with two girls yesterday, Lynette and Elizabeth. Sure feels like being in 03A1 all over again, since there was a Lynette and Elizabeth in my class. Anyway, they're nice and they're JC students who've just got their results, just like me. How swell. Had a decent time at lunch with them, though my food sucked major ass. I ordered vegetarian mifen at Han's and the fucking mifen was undercooked! Shit man. I paid $5 for it, for hell's sake! The teh-si or whatever the hell it's called is nice though, since it's iced and all. I still prefer SNGS' teh tarik, without a doubt. It's damn nice.

Okay, time for a confession: Despite my results and incessant praises for me from my teachers, I still don't think that I have any "natural ability" to speak of. I don't think that my English is that fantastic, and neither do I think that my "analytical skills" or whatever are that great. To be honest, whenever people talk about my "analytical skills", I have next to no idea what they're off about. First, what is an analysis? I don't know. Second, how do I tell whether I'm analysing or not? I can't. I just...do whatever I had to do and made sure that I did it better than most people.

I think the most important thing that got me through the A Levels was my stubborn nature. I only wanted good grades because I refused to be stigmatised by JJC and its unfortunate public opinion, because I arrogantly believed that I was better than 99.99% of the student population over there and maybe 50% of the teaching staff; the remaining 0.01% of the student population are, on their better days, on par with me.

See? Talk about excessive arrogance on my part. But you know, I think it was borne entirely out of my obdurate refusal to be labelled a 'loser' just because I was in JJC. I guess this is the funny thing about me: it's only when I'm thrown into a pile of the foulest shit in the world that I begin to slowly claw my way out, wash myself clean, and get myself access to Clinique Happy perfume.

In that respect, then, I'm glad that I went to JJC; I doubt that I could've got AAAC A1 if I'd gone to HCI or RJC or whatever instead. I don't know how I did it, really; I definitely don't think that it had anything to do with talent.

Or maybe not. I don't know; on some days, I go around proclaiming that I'm a genius, and on others, I genuinely believe that I'm a fraud. Something's wrong with me, but hell, I don't really care. I think it was 20% hard work and 80% talent. Haha!

Yeah, whatever, I should shut up, I know. I need to figure out how not to ditch Literature forever and do the double honours degree thing at the same time. If I burn out in the process, so be it - but I won't allow myself to.

Fuck, the days of 'just go there and wing it lah and hope to hell that I don't fall into a ditch but I end up being stuck in one for ages anyway' are over. There's nowhere else for me to go but up. And I'm gonna be freaking rich and successful; just watch me.

Waha.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010