oh my god an update!
written: 4:29 p.m. on Friday, Mar. 25, 2005

Help. I was supposed to write my USP essay today but after surfing jay-chou.net for like two hours and looking at other fluffy things on the net, I've lost whatever miniscule motivation I had to write anything. HELP. I haven't written an essay in like, months, for crying out loud; I've forgotten how to write one!

Wow, I just realised that I haven't written in six days. That is amazing. I'm too lazy to cut my too-long nails and hence typing is a bitch but let's put that aside for now. I haven't written because...I was too lazy to. Yes, and also because I had nothing to say. Or rather, I did have things to say but I couldn't say them because I am ineffectual and useless. Hence.

I hate deadlines. I hate it even more that I can't write. I did have a draft (well, I still have the draft) but it's so shit that I can't even bear to read it, which basically means that I can't edit it, for how can I edit something which I can't and don't even read? You know?

I don't. This is one of the many times during which I feel so frustrated and horrible that all I wanna do is to tear my hair out and scream at the top of my lungs and wish that I were still in junior college. But things haven't really changed too much, have they? Back in JC, I put off doing my homework until a few minutes past the very last minute and instead of getting on with it, I come here and complain about rushing deadlines and how I haven't written anything, I'm gonna die, I suck, I'm a fraud, et al. It would be funny if it weren't so seriously dire and all my-future-is-at-stake like. Fuck.

Speaking of my future, I would like to announce that my life is over. I found out recently that an entry requirement into the double honours programme is that you need an A in Math, and what did I get? An ugly, cursed C, and its Hokkien pun ironically rings horrendously true for me right now. (In other words - sai ah, die lah.) I called up NUS' Office of Admission during work one day and it took me about four calls before I finally got through and spoke to a human being at the other end, not a pre-recorded voice. Talk about a severe waste of money! But anyway, I was re-directed to FASS's admission officer and I took my anger out on her, going like, "Look, I don't understand why I need an A in Math to do the programme. I got an A in Econs and an A1 in GP, and I think Econs is more directly relevant to the subject, you know?"

"But you need Math for the Economics part," she answered, her voice uncertain.

"I got an A in Econs!" I almost fucking screamed. At the end of it, she asked me to call a professor.

Which I haven't done. I'm considering calling up the guy and begging him for an interview. I mean, all I want is to get to the interview and the test; if they reject me after that, fine. But the stupid A in Math thing is just wrong and unfair and I certainly don't see the relevance.

I guess this is the part where I swear my heart out at my mortal enemy and lament my absolute incompetence and lack of dedication to the subject but hell, I don't have the mood for that right now. But trust me when I say that I was so devastated when I found out that I cried.

Yes, how embarrassing, but fuck it, who cares. Like I said, my life is over, wahoo, time to dig a hole and bury myself in it.

Thinking about the future and university makes me quite annoyed so let's move on.

Work.

Surprisingly, I've grown less hateful towards it over the past few days. I still think it's fucking stupid and monotonous and shit, but I don't get the "I wanna bloody kill myself NOW" feeling I got during my first few days there. I can think of two reasons for it:

1. I'm used to it. I mean, after like eleven days, you kind of have to be; and

2. The people. Perhaps the word 'friend' can be used to describe them, I don't know. All the same, they make it less shitty and mind-numbingly painful to the intellect and the arse, the latter because constant trips to the pantry with the two guys are fun. I don't even mind the Chinese thing anymore, because they told me that I don't speak with a Singaporean accent, which totally makes me very pleased as it means that my conscious efforts at improving my spoken Chinese have paid off pretty well. Besides, the Chinese thing also means that I get to practice - which is, of course, very important.

I can see myself holding out until April 30; more alarmingly, I can sort of see myself missing it a little after April 30. But then again, who really knows? We'll just have to see.

Well anyway, I wanted to mention this before but I kind of forgot. So there's this permanent staff member working at the level one office who kind of looks like Jielun from the side. Apparently, I'm not the only one who think so, because this girl in my group pointed him out to me after everyone found out that I'm a total Jielun groupie. And...I don't know why exactly, but whenever that girl - MX - and I walk past him, we'd look at each other and start to laugh, even though it's not exactly the most hilarious thing in the world, not even remotely.

But yesterday was like...quite embarrassing. We were at the downstairs office (my team works upstairs 'cause of the severe lack of seats downstairs), me, that girl, the guys, and this other girl, waiting for upgrade forms to be issued to us. And it just so happened that the Jielun Lookalike was also there, apparently searching for something as he was rummaging through the various piles of forms that are placed on top of this long cabinet thingy. So we started talking (and we talk pretty loudly despite attempts at being soft) and MX said to me, "He really does look like Jielun doesn't he?"

I was like, yeah, kinda, and one of the guys - let's call him Chicken - took a look at the Jielun Lookalike and exclaimed quite loudly, "Where got look like Zhou Jielun? Yi dian dou bu xiang lor!" (Doesn't look like at all.)

All this time, the Jielun Lookalike was just there and I'm sure he heard everything. Before that, when we just entered the office, MX and I walked past him and we started laughing which he saw 'cause we were so not discreet about it, and neither were we when we were talking about him when he was just about an arm's length away. MX commented on his dress sense, which is so Jielun-like; he was wearing this weird flowery shirt yesterday and everyone knows that Jielun has this thing for wearing weird flowery shirts sometimes. I was like, "Yeah! Zhen de hen xiang!" (Yeah it's really similar!)

But the embarrassing part came a while later. Chicken and some other people and I were talking about...okay, I forgot what, but MX was kind of out of the loop. She thought that we were still talking about the Jielun Lookalike, and she said really loudly, "The one that looks like Zhou Jielun?" She thought he was gone, but when she realised that he'd came back, she was like, "HE'S THERE?!"

Hahaha! The look on her face was hilarious. But after a while, when I was finished with my work and was contemplating on whether to go down and get more forms, I almost didn't because I felt quite embarrassed all the same. And this one time, I was upstairs and sitting at the seat nearest to the door (someone stole my computer!) and the Jielun Lookalike came in wearing this blue shirt that looked quite like one of the shirts that was selling at 2%, where I worked before this StarHub job. So I was kind of looking at him, but I was looking at his shirt to determine whether it really is from 2%, and I was slightly craning my neck as I was seated and couldn't see beyond my cubicle, and he just had to turn around and catch me looking! God, I was mortified. I mean, even though my intention was completely innocuous, it wouldn't look that way to another person, you know?

And the day before, when I was walking back to the office from lunch, something mildly embarrassing happened too. I was wearing heels, you see, and I was walking quite fast (or trying to walk fast since I'm still shit in heels) when all of a sudden, I almost stumbled forward and fell flat on my face. It turned out that my left heel was stuck in the black substance thingy that is used to fill cracks between floor tiles (I don't know what it's called) - which was a relief, because I thought that my heel was stuck in a crack or a hole or something. Luckily I maintained my balance and slowly brought my right leg backwards. I removed my left foot from my shoe and kicked my shoe free, slipped my foot back in, and nonchalantly continued my walk.

But guess who was there to witness my potentially humiliating moment? The Jielun Lookalike (the shirt was in full bloom, I swear). There's a cafe at the adjacent building and he was sitting outside with a bunch of males and yeah, he saw. It's a good thing I didn't fall or I'd be forced to quit to save myself from eternal embarrassment.

So yeah. He's kind of cute though, the Jielun Lookalike, but I suspect that it's got more to do with the Jielun thing than anything else, unfortunately for him. The dressing, however, is uninspired. Ha.

Right, anyway, I don't feel like writing anymore so this shall be it.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010