what i really want.
written: 8:08 p.m. on Sunday, May. 15, 2005

But when one is afflicted with such a condition, the best cure is just to click 'add an entry' and type whatever comes to mind.

First. Jurong Junior ends tomorrow and I couldn't be more glad. It's all about the beauty sleep, to be honest. I don't have anything against the students and I genuinely like some of them and want to help others, but it's ridiculous that I have to wake up so damn early every day just for this job. Most of the time I don't even feel like forcing myself to get out of bed. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way about waking up at an ungodly hour of six-something in the morning but I never once professed to be fair about anything so fuck it, yeah?

Still, another teacher asked me to relief him when he goes for reservist duties in early July and I don't know if I wanna do it or not. Right now I'm pretty sure the answer is 'no', but I'm pretty sure, too, that when July rolls around, I'd be so severely tempted by the extra money that I'd probably forget about this period of intense fatigue and agree to it.

Then again, I don't know why he asked me, to be honest. I think I completely suck at the job and I am definitely not going into teaching in the future. I think it'd be better if he looked for someone more qualified, experienced and passionate about the job than me.

(My mom came in just now and interrupted my thought process - I can't have anyone talking to me when I'm in the middle of writing something - and now I'm struggling to continue with this entry. Fuck.)

Oh well, anyway. I have about five essays left to mark and I'm saving them for tomorrow morning when I'd have nothing to do until like 12 or so. I took out my GP essays this afternoon to read, just so I could remember what a real GP essay is supposed to be like as reading crap after crap can have pretty drastic effect on your judgement, and this is the part where I am honest and put aside my self-deprecation tendencies: I was, quite truthfully, impressed by what I read. I mean, when I was in school last year I honestly thought that my GP essays were utter crap and that they weren't even worthy enough to be used as crap paper. For all my cockiness and arrogance, I'm actually quite insecure about my writing; I just don't show it all the time when I write in here. But reading that one essay this afternoon kind of made me realise what the fuss was all about, I guess, and that I totally deserved to get the only A1 during the prelim.

This should be history but I can't put it behind me just yet, not when my Law studies are still unconfirmed and not when I have no idea when I'd know/be devastated/be overjoyed. I don't know why it's suddenly so important that I get into Law, but it is and I won't have it any other way. I don't know what I'd do if I don't make it, and the pessimistic side of me that accounts for 90% of my consciousness is telling me that I won't get it, but for once, I hope that the cynic in me is utterly wrong. I try not to subscribe to false hopes but sometimes, I just can't help myself; other times, like today, I think it's my prerogative because I am good at something that matters.

I still haven't figured out what I want to do, why I want to do what I currently want to do at the university, what I'd do if I don't get to do what I want to do, the only things that I'm sure of is what I don't want, but for now, that'll suffice. I still have some time before my indecision fucks me up for good.

Anyway, I really do hope that I'd get to go to Shanghai this year before school starts. It's kind of hanging in limbo right now because my brother is weird and hence refuses to venture out of Singapore (save for when it's Taiwan), which makes my mom not want to go to Shanghai anymore. That seriously annoys me; I don't see why I have to put my life on hold just because my brother is weird. I mean, I love my bro and all but seriously, enough is enough. Do you know how many trips we'd forgone because of him? And this time I really want to go to Shanghai because of its East-meets-West intrigue and because of Metersbonwe and Jielun shopping bags and because of Suzhou and its beautiful river settlements and just because it's Shanghai, China, and also because I will die without a doubt if I don't get out of this country, even if it's only for a while.

Things should go my way for once.

I have to shower.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010