Initial Dud: The Speed of Disappointment
written: 2:38 p.m. on Wednesday, Jun. 22, 2005

I wrote this early this morning, on cough medication and all:

22 June 2005, 1.02 a.m.

What started out as a fun, exceedingly fangirl-ish event that I treated with pseudo-seriousness ended in little more than the hollow, empty sound of Disappointment. If only the Alchemic principle of Equivalent Trade were true; then today (yesterday) would most definitely have ended on a more fruitful note.

I suppose I shouldn�t be feeling this way. After all, that�s how he�s like and you can�t blame a person for being a certain way. He�s the brooding, silent type, the elusive boy-man with his hair in his eyes, in spite of his Superstar status. That persona is precisely what 99.99% of his fans like about him (apart from his musical talent).

But still. I didn�t expect much, but I certainly expected more than what happened � or what didn�t happen. He left almost as quickly as he arrived, hardly stopping for handshakes, let alone autographs. When he turned in our direction and looked at the shirt that we intended to give him, for a split second, he looked like he was about to come over and take it (and oh, how hopeful I was!), but something/someone was in his way and so he merely continued walking away from us � me � all over again.

I waved the stupid shirt like a fucking lunatic, hence completely eroding my image, and just for it to amount to absolutely naught. I blame a few people for this:

1. Jielun himself for not shedding his persona. Just a few seconds of a more out-going Jielun would have made it all worthwhile.

2. The fucking media. The ultimate Pain in the Ass. The few people whom everyone hated at that moment. They took SO LONG interviewing him, and whatever for? If anyone who interviewed him yesterday is reading this, here�s me saying a loud FUCK YOU to you. Thank you SO MUCH for stealing him away from us, from ME. I who stood there like a fucking moron from 11 a.m. all the way until 8, 9 p.m., just so I could get a piece of him, and then YOU whisk in, 2 hours before he arrived, and hogged all his attention. I don�t care if you�re just doing your job. Your job is a worthless one and you can�t even write a piece that would do justice to him anyway so I don�t see the point. And wasn�t there a PRESS CONFERENCE before this? Why do you have to keep robbing us of precious Jielun moments? Most of you probably aren�t even fans of his anyway. So, once again, FUCK YOU.

3. The security people/whoever those people were that were with him, because it�s all thanks to them that he didn�t manage to come over to our side. He was about to; it was clear as day and obvious to anyone with eyes. All of us got his attention. We screamed his name so loudly and he�d be deaf not to hear us. But before he could come over just for a little while, he was whisked away by those �officials� to talk to the fucking media. Thank you so much. I greatly appreciate your kind effort to make my long wait worthwhile. Fuck you too, from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for being such STUPID Singaporeans without a brain. Would it have killed anyone to let him come over and take the shirt from my hands? Would it have hurt the damn programme in the slightest bit? Why did you have to block his way? He was clearly about to come over until some ASSHOLE directed him away from me/us. That split second in which I thought I would have the chance to give him something (even if it�s not a personal gift), in which I felt real, actual hope, was shattered just as quickly. And there is no one to thank but this particular group of people. Thank you SO MUCH for making my effort count.

I wonder how it feels to be Jay Chou; to have so many people falling at your feet, fawning over you wherever you go, worshipping you like a god. I wonder what goes on in his head when he sees huge crowds like tonight�s, gathered just for him and only him, with numerous signs spelling out undying love for him in a myriad of colours, variegated fonts and characters. It must be an awesome feeling. I wouldn�t mind being in his shoes for a day.

My disappointment aside, I must admit that he looked great. I didn�t see as much of him as I was hoping to, but god, just SEEING him reminded me of that surreal 3 seconds in Taipei during his autograph session. He wore a white-based shirt with red/pink flowers and a pair of fitting white pants. I was standing right in front of the media box, so his back was to me when he was talking to the useless press.

And I just have to say this: his butt is fantastic. Honestly, he has the best ass on a guy ever, without the slightest sliver of doubt. Oh I am so glad he wore those pants and not something baggy! His butt left the deepest impression on my mind. Not quite sure why I noticed it and not any other body part but there you go. I guess I am crazy.

Even though I was there for Jielun, I have to say thank goodness for Edison Chen. He�s the best celebrity ever. He shook hands with fans and signed autographs as he walked down the red carpet, making many stops and not giving a shit if he�s taking a long time getting to the stage. Unlike Jielun and Shawn Yu who just breezed past the horde of fans lined up along the barricades where the carpet begins, Edison knew what the fans were there for, and boy, did he deliver. After saying a few lines onstage, he came down from where he got up, sauntered over to our side, and grabbed hold of a few outstretched hands � including mine (I�ve washed my hand already though). I was so impressed with his conduct, and I still am. He is hot, ultra-sexy and super nice. I am so buying his album! He wore a pair of baggy jeans (boo! I wanna see his butt!) and a very nice apple/lime green shirt, his head shaved. I think he looks better with his hair unshaved but even with a shaved head, he is still so cute. Thank goodness for him, truly. He made the event less shitty than it would�ve been otherwise.

So, bottom line: I went to the thing for Jielun but I came home with the deepest impression of Edison Chen. I don�t care what the tabloids are saying about him. I don�t care if he really posted nude pictures of himself up on the Internet (like, whatever; and hell, I wanna see them!), whatever else rumours that are in circulation. To me, Ed is definitely tops. Thank you for caring, and this time I say it without the slightest trace of sarcasm.

1.39 a.m.

1.41 a.m.

A large part of me regrets spending � wasting � so much time on this, just to have it all go to waste. But simultaneously, I know that I would kick myself severely if I hadn�t gone, even if the stories told by those that were there were very similar to my own. What am I supposed to do as someone who prides herself on her rationality, intelligence and (apparently) superior intellect when someone whom I admire and adore so much finally comes back to town after what feels like ten trillion years? What else can I possibly do but to partake in this silly mass insanity and idiocy?

Jielun is my biggest weakness. Ever. I don�t think anyone can even come close to that. And the most awesome bit? I don�t remotely understand why.

What is it about him that makes me do things like that? What is it about him, in fact, that gets so many people so excited and riled up? He�s just a human being, albeit a phenomenally talented one. Logically, a line should be drawn somewhere by myself, so that I�d never cross it and do embarrassing things like this.

But Jielun defies all logic and everything that makes sense to me. When it comes to him, the word completely ceases to exist in my vocabulary. Even though I�m sorely disappointed in today�s outcome, I still adore him as much as ever and I�m thinking that there�s virtually nothing he can do � save for writing bad music but that�s wholly unlikely � that would make me give up on him.

He�s a source of inspiration and comfort. Knowing how obdurately he sticks to his own style of music and flips the finger in the face of criticism; how he relied solely on his talent to get where he is today; and how he knows what he wants and goes for it, makes me think that I could do it too.

It makes me sad as well. He pursued his passion while I�m giving up on mine. And school is starting, but the small nagging voice of doubt continues to refuse to go away.

1.53 a.m.

**

Today:

You know, I think the media should seriously stop whining about Edison Chen's supposed "attitude problem". Read today's Life!: talk about a hilarious and preposterous sorry excuse for a pathetic whine blandly disguised as a newspaper article. I don't care how "rude" he was to the reporters; they deserve it anyway, if you want my honest opinion. The fact still remains that he was the most generous, most outgoing and most memorable guy at the stupid event last night. His conduct last night stole my heart and now I wanna marry him.

I mean, I'm not all "eeeee Edison Chen touched my teenybopper hand!!!!1111!OMG!!!1111!!!" and shit like that. It's just the basic principle of giving back to those that propped you up to where you are, of being fair, of treating everyone equally. There's always so many excuses to make for Jielun's lack of reaching out to the massive crowd that was barely 10 metres away from him, but the truth still stays the same: If Edison did it, why couldn't he have done it?

Oh fuck it. Now I'm just super pissed off at myself for doing something so stupid. 9 hours of my life wasted on that stupid, poorly organised event, and my only reward is the sour taste of defeat. HOORAY. Logging on to jay-chou.net and reading accounts from people who managed to get what I wanted (ie. touched his hand, yadayada whatever) didn't help matters at all, and apparently someone else handed the T-shirt to him. That just makes no sense and I wish it could've been me.

I can't remember what I wrote last night. Currently drowsy on cough medication and I feel like my entire body has just been ran over by a truck. Yesterday is probably the last time I'd ever do something like that. Enough is enough.

Now it's time for my heartfelt message to the organisers and crowd control people:

You are the dumbest people alive. A few hours before the commencement of the event, you got policemen to infiltrate the heavy crowd and get people to leave. What the fuck? So what if they were blocking the passageway? You should've blocked off the passageway in the first place you immense geniuses! All thanks to your grotesque lack of hindsight, I had to be pressed excruciatingly up against the fucking barricade and fuck, it hurt like hell. And to the policemen who were yelling at the crowd: GET A LIFE AND GET ANOTHER DAY JOB. How can you reduce the crowd to two lines? Are you insane?

But wait, I'm not surprised, for I haven't forgotten that I'm in Singapore, and in Singapore, we do things like total retards. Shoppers could've walked by the sheltered passageway but they chose to squeeze through the crowd. How stupid is that? Why should the fans pay for their idiocy?

So you see, the event failed in more ways than one and hence it's not hard to see why movies hardly premiere here. I wouldn't want any famous people to waste their time in Singapore anyway.

I suspect that Edison Chen is a major narcissist and man, how hot is that? I can't wait to watch him in Initial D tomorrow.

And yes, Jielun too, which goes without saying. Read a bad review on the film and his acting in Life! today, but who cares. Ong Sor Fern has been losing credibility in my eyes over the past few months so I don't really care what she has to say anymore. I think Tay Yek Keak's a better critic. He's funnier and more entertaining anyway.

Oh, and the Spurs lost to the Pistons this morning. I think they might just lose the trophy at home in Game 7.

before sunrise // before sunset


Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010