fragments.
written: 5:39 p.m. on Monday, Jul. 11, 2005

I love Batman Begins.

Peeing into a cup is just fucking disgusting.

More so when you have NOTHING to piss out.

I think I'm losing my mind.

I fucking wanna fuck Christian Bale in his hot Batman suit.

Oh my god I didn't just say that?!?!!!11111?!?!?!?!!11?///?

I miss Pearlyn.

I miss Ben.

I miss myself.

I can't write.

Fuck I'm turning 19.

God I wanna die.

Mel, we're gonna kill ourselves when we hit twenty-one PROMISE???

I don't wanna go to school.

I don't wanna do anything.

I like the dreamy smile on Jielun's face in Initial D after Anne Suzuki kisses him.

That's how a fool looks like when he thinks he's in love.

It'd be nice not to be cynical and just be flat-out naive or just fucking crazy and go up to every hot guy you see and be all, "I wanna date you, can I have your number?" but I don't do that anymore and neither do I believe that you can be with someone 2Gether 4Ever because it's just crap you know and there's a huge difference between liking someone and being attracted to someone 'cause when you're attracted to someone you just wanna kiss him and never stop but when you like someone it's that and then some.

But the thing with me is that 'and then some' never seems to exist.

The medical examination was annoying.

Like you didn't have to be so damn condescending when 1) your signs made close to no sense - where was A and B? I never knew that C started the alphabet; and 2) you're gonna be working for me in the future bitchass.

I fell down some steps yesterday in my Converse sneakers, hit my left arm pretty hard, and now my legs are aching.

I hated the medical examination because it forced me to weigh myself and I'm horrified by the truth.

I feel ugly, fat, disgusting, undesirable and fucking retarded.

I think I'm more insecure than I gave myself credit for.

And that's so disappointing. I was supposed to be this huge rebel-type ass. One who flips the finger and laughs hysterically as opposed to giggle with hands pressed retardedly against mouth (like what the fuck for?) in the face of the usual girly whines of "OMG I'm fat! OMG I need to lose weight! OMG a huge zit just popped up on my face!"

Because the truth is, OH MY GOD I AM FAT OH MY GOD I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT AND OH MY GOD THERE IS A HUGE UGLY ZIT ON MY FACE.

Since we're at confession, here's another one: I feel threatened by girls prettier than me, skinnier than me, better-dressed than me. I know it's stupid; I can feel how dumb it is in my bones; my dad will probably tell me that brains trump beauty every single time, and that I'm prettier than most girls in Singapore; but then there's still that small percentage of assholes who don't belong in the 'most girls' category and I feel ugly standing next to them; and I hate how insecure I can be, it's like I'm going back to secondary school and donning my geek glasses when I go out and I haven't learnt a single damn thing at all and I hate it, I really do.

And the huge, ugly, too-damn-obvious-hence-it-pisses-me-off zit on my face is horrible and that's a major understatement.

Brains trump beauty all the time but do they really? I don't know (random thought: am I the only one who thinks that Rob Thomas the Matchbox Twenty dude sold out? I was uncomfortable watching him attempt to shake his booty a la Ricky Martin in one of his solo videos) because I don't think I know anything right now.

I think I know what inspired this entry: pre-mature birthday angst.

Oh, yeah, pre-mature all right. What's so bad about turning 19, right?

Well you might as well just ask me what's so bad about liking a guy who doesn't like you back, what's so bad about being raped and murdered, what's so bad about failing your A Levels, because turning 19 is all of that plus more.

I've never got the angst this bad before. I mean, the angst started in 2000 and every year since then I've grown to dread July 14 and wish that I could just sleep through the day and wake up and it'd be July 15, but this year I actually feel like killing myself before the day rolls around. I'm two weeks away from uni and I'm standing outside NUS and thinking, "What am I getting myself into, really?" I'm talking to the doctor at NUS's health centre and he's saying, "Being a lawyer may be worse than being a teacher", and I'm thinking, "Fuck." I'm talking to Tubby and telling him that I got into Law and he's saying, "So you've finally decided?", and I reply, "No I didn't decide. I got the letter saying that I got in and I was like, 'Oh okay what the hell.'" And I'm typing this and I'm thinking, "Oh my god." And I'm turning 19 in two days and I'm typing all of this and I'm thinking, "Someone as indecisive and immature like me should not be allowed to grow up."

There are so many things I want to say but can't 'cause I don't know who's reading this. It's the things left unsaid that bother me the most.

Well, whatever.

I loved Batman Begins. Besides the fact that I never found Batman hot until Christian Bale played him, and that I totally wouldn't mind losing my virginity to him, and that he is gorgeous and dashing and has the most smouldering eyes ever, it's awesome because of the humanity at the heart of everything. I mean, Christopher Nolan debuted with Memento and he made Batman a human being with super powers and that's more realistic than mutants and radioactive spiders and weird winds from space that alter DNAs.

GOD I wanna marry him.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010