confession.
written: 2:14 p.m. on Saturday, Jul. 16, 2005

I have bunch of Nescafe instant coffee at home. Angela kept asking me to take home the freebies yesterday and I succumbed in the end. I brought home one huge pack of the green one and a lot of individual black ones; totalled up, I think they'll equal one huge pack of 3 in 1 coffee.

I drank one sachet just now and it's horrible. Like, damn disgusting. It tasted like bitter plain water. How gross. I added some milk 'cause it was just bland and bitter but after adding milk it tasted even worse, like plain water with milk with a bitter taste at the back of the throat to boot.

Awfully repugnant.

Still, if anyone wants to try, let me know. I don't think my dad can finish everything and I mainly lugged home those crap for him. I know for sure that I'm not gonna drink them again though.

My lower back is aching like crazy right now, near the hip area. It sucks like mad. I did just a little bit of bending yesterday and now this. God, I feel so unhealthy that it's honestly starting to bother me.

Still, I'm too lazy to do anything about it so what the hell.

I wanna go shopping. I need to collect my jeans from Guess. Sent it for alteration and shit like that. Effectively I paid $45.80 for that pair of jeans altogether.

Oh yeah. My bank account is left with about S$2039. That is fucking sad and pathetic, considering I had like, S$2800+ in the account at one point in time. That was after my relief stint in JJC - less than two months ago.

The way I spend money is horrific. I didn't write about how I spent over a hundred and sixty bucks at Esprit Jurong Point on July 11, Monday, right? Well, I did. It was after the medical check up at NUS, I had nothing to do and didn't feel like going home, I also had a lot of Esprit vouchers to use, so I decided to head to JP since City Hall was too far away for me to trudge down to 'cause I'm all lazy and crap like that. I bought a bunch of shit:

A white-based belt with pinkish patterns, $39.90;
A short pink skirt (the cash register called it a flash skirt, whatever that means), $69.90;
A dark green T-shirt with a print of a dog in black on it, $39.90;
A checkered purplish/pinkish blouse, $49.90;
A bottle of light pink matte nailpolish, $16; and
A bottle of light purple matte nailpolish, $16

I had a ten percent off and a $40 off so in the end the total was $168.44.

Like, oh my god, and I'm not referring to how I remember what every individual item costs (the total, I got off the receipt). I need, like, a job or something. Sooner or later I'll bust my bank account and I'll have no money to buy anything. How how how?

Life is truly woe without the dough.

I'm supposed to hang out with Clarence today but um, he SMSed me at like 1.57 p.m. or thereabout, saying that he just woke up and he hasn't called me since. Oh well. I fell asleep at 4-something this morning and opened my eyes at around 9.30 a.m. That is just insane. I wanted to go back to sleep 'cause I was really tired but I opened my eyes again and checked the time and it was only 10 a.m.

I need to start wiring my biological clock differently though. Two weeks later and school starts, and I doubt that school starts at 3 p.m.

I was reading my A Level diaries this morning at 2 a.m. and reading all my doubts, my fears, how pressurised and stressed out I was, well it frightened me to death. Like, it was just a two-month period and I was already dealing that badly; what's gonna happen when I go to Law school and face that kind of shit, multiplied a few times, for four years? I'm afraid that I'm not good enough, that I won't measure up, that I'd be mediocre at best because I'm too proud to admit that there are people better than me. I have to be at the top or else; I have to get the best degree or else; I have to beat everyone or else. It's crazy. Just thinking about it, picturing it, is freaking me out, and I won't have my close friends to help me deal along the way.

People who read me regularly should remember the kind of crap I used to write about myself during the exam period. Like, oh my god, I'm a total fraud, I'm going to fail my A Levels, I'm so stupid that I want to puke, blah blah blah, I'll kill myself if I don't get this blah blah blah. And, in retrospect, it wasn't really that big of a deal. My level of adaptability is pretty low and I have a feeling that Law is going to be a bit St. Nicks-like and I'm like, I don't feel like doing this anymore, and yet if I don't do it there's nothing else to live for so what the hell.

Well, my point is, I'm petrified of what's to come. I hope it's normal, I hope I get used to it soon, and most of all, I hope I don't screw up.

I will reply to a few emails in due time. Right now the weather's too damn good for me to stay home.

I so want to watch Before Sunset. The first one really amazed me.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010