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i should die.
written: 6:18 p.m. on Thursday, Jul. 21, 2005

I got a call from a school near my house to do relief teaching today. But shit, it starts next Tuesday and ends sometime around August 12, way after school starts! How sad. I could definitely use the extra income.

Felt a rare surge of happiness this morning followed by a foolish smile that probably certifies me insane. Something's up and I'm trying not to think about this because using your brains can only be detrimental when you over-analyse and reduce everything to bits of broken pieces that are no good when they scar that foolish smile of yours. I don't want to go into details yet; some people may get a heart attack if I do and since I'm such a thoughtful person, I shall save them the trouble of seeing a doctor for temporary heart failure.

(Fuck that just made no sense. NEVERMIND.)

I think if a guy embraces me now I will explode into millions of molecules, or I will dissolve, or I will explode and then dissolve. I wish I weren't this pathetic.

I wonder what's going to happen when he starts school next week and when I start school the week after. I haven't seen him in two days (yesterday and today) and already it feels too long, like something isn't quite right with my life just because he's not around.

I think I'm losing my mind.

I'm still a train wreck, still horribly dysfunctional, before anything even begins I can already see how things are going to end (because things will end) and I don't really know what I'm doing, or what the point is, or the reason why to every single question mark that pops up at every place we stop at, I shouldn't be this selfish but sometimes you just can't help yourself.

Oh my god I think I should just die.

This is the part where I kill myself.

**

I'm reading this blog now. It's well-written and funny. I like the post about some local poet, as well as the one about Corinne May however you spell that.

I read this too, purely because it's damn good.

I'm feeling too vague for this to be a proper entry so screw it.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010