what's been going on: a true story.
written: 5:51 p.m. on Sunday, Jul. 24, 2005

SIM memory: 80-something percent full

I go crazy saving messages and now I don't know which ones to delete. Why do I have to delete SMSes? This is another problem with SMS: You end up deleting everything because 1) You don't know what the hell 'print via bluetooth' means; 2) You have to free up space for incoming SMSes; and 3) You feel too lame writing down SMSes in your diary because that is, like, sooooo JC1-ish.

Right.

So um, I tried writing this afternoon but the attempt was so shoddy and incoherent that I junked it. (Okay, I didn't junk it; I can't junk anything that I write, no matter how bad. I didn't post it and saved it in Microsoft Word.) Because I can't write well, trying to write about important events feels like a major sham, such that I end up cheapening these major events and feeling like crap about it.

But hey, since I don't write in my diary much anymore and this is the only avenue in which I attempt to record my shit-boring life, I think I should just do it lah.

Okay.

Me and talking on the phone? Don't usually like it. Will rather die than to stay on the phone for over two hours. Will rather eat shit than to stay on the phone for over two hours and late into the early morning from 12.45 a.m. to 3.06 a.m. (Late into the early morning...what an irony.)

'Twas exactly what I did this morning. Didn't hate it. Only bad part was when I had to hang up. Suddenly the phone felt like the best invention ever, and suddenly I felt a strong impetus to buy a phone for my room; I had to lug the one outside into my room after my handphone died on me.

It was great. Cleared things up, came clean, no more endless speculation and guess work. Don't even go paranoid anymore when my handphone doesn't beep after I send out an SMS, 'cause I know he'll answer in due time. He always does anyway, hence my extremely limited free SMS memory. I go crazy saving messages when I like someone, and the phone is on the verge of dying when that someone likes me too when it gets jammed with SMSes. Poor phone.

"So what are we, like, going out?"

He laughs, and says, "Yeah we're going out."

**

Funny how things don't quite turn out the way you picture them to sometimes.

Funny how things turn out even better in real life. I thought I had to do it face-to-face, but when I thought of how he's starting school tomorrow and hence we won't be seeing much of each other for the next few days/weeks/whatever, I just thought, fuck it, and blurted everything out. I was rambling, I asked questions, didn't care anymore, felt great at the end of everything because god, I finally have answers. I could've done it earlier but I would've been making the first move again and I'm SO sick of it that I genuinely preferred obsessing over the seemingly all-important question of Does He Like Me Or Not than to get an answer and stabilise my crazy mood swings. Because they were insane, my mood swings, but this doesn't matter.

I told him, too, that I'm a train wreck, I'm dysfunctional, I dump guys and break their hearts, I thought he'd hate me and would want nothing to do with me ever again but he wasn't bothered and said something that made me smile instead. I'm like, floored, delirious and scared to death, delirious because I like him so much, scared to death because I like him so much and I'm afraid of what I might do to him in the end. I'm hoping that I've matured over the past two years, that things are different this time, that the saying "third time lucky" is kind enough to throw me a helping hand, but I'm still wary of myself all the same.

I didn't want to like him. Even wanted to make myself believe that we're better off as friends. But fuck you Yelen, don't be a dumb ass. There's no way in hell you can ever be friends with a guy you're attracted to; it'd be a major lie that won't mean anything in the end. I'm sorry if I'm being selfish (and I think I am, largely) but god, I can't help it. Not being with him for two days feels like a lifetime times two, being with him is a mixture of crazy laughter and good conversation, and of course, he is so cute. His hair stands without him making any effort to make it stand, he has a tail dyed blond (who has a tail hello it's so adorable) and he has the most infectious laughter ever. He doesn't tower over me but he's still a good 5 cm taller than me - though it doesn't feel that way sometimes, for some reason or other. He said it's because of my Converse; maybe.

He's crazy, too. He almost got hit by a taxi the other day on his way somewhere after jumping over a barricade (a bit of info which almost had me in cardiac arrest, especially since I almost got hit by some fucked up red car too when I was hanging out with him at the Rail Mall last week; my bad for not paying attention to my surroundings). God, I love crazy guys. I love crazy guys with a blond tail and gravity-defying hair and damn good English who sleep past 12 but wake up early just to meet me. I'm swooning here, gushing like some retarded school girl who just met Nick Carter or whatever but hell, I don't care. I'll probably regret this entry ten seconds after I post it but hell, I don't care, I need to get it out so fuck it.

So, I think it's pretty clear by now who I'm talking about. Ben emailed me and was all, "I saw it coming, heh heh heh. ha. ha." (I said this to you Ben but I'll say it again: Whatever Ben!) I think that same sentiment probably rings true for most of my friends. I mean, I tried to be all vague and shit but on second thoughts, I'm probably transparent as water. I'm so obvious, aren't I? Sometimes it's embarrassing but right now, I don't care at all.

I love Jielun's �򵥰� (Simple Love) and I wish that "��...���Լ�򵥵�û���˺�" too, but I'm me and I still feel that I'm gonna fuck everything up somehow. But still at the same time I don't wanna think about it right now, it's too much, on top of tomorrow's matriculation and how school is really starting.

Focus on the good, to fuck with the bad, even if the bad is within yourself.

The only real problem right now is my dad. Maybe I'll explain some other time; right now my eyes are dying from staring at the laptop for five, six hours straight. Sucks being stuck at home on a Sunday with nuts to do.

Crap, being interrupted by the folks, yelling at me to go for dinner. Hate it when this happens. This entry is largely a failure but eh, I'll just post it anyway.

this entry requires chinese simplified encoding

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010