a schizophrenic entry.
written: 9:21 p.m. on Friday, Jul. 29, 2005

Dad is annoying. Dad is thoroughly absurd. Dad should trust me more. Dad should learn to let go. Dad shouldn't judge a person whom he's never met before. Dad should not hold on so tightly and stubbornly to archaic values that have nothing to do with me. Dad should not yell at me about my room and its perpetually messy state because I will clean it up when I see fit. Dad should not yell at me about the fucked up CPF approval shit too, just because it pisses me off. And finally, Dad should not ride on the wave of his anger and blow everything up when he finds out that I spent my day with Clarence.

In short, Dad is the worst sort of over-protective parent in the world.

But Clarence called me and now I feel better. It's simply the thought that he cared enough to call me on his cellphone, despite needing to pay for outgoing calls, that means the world to me.

Right now, I fucking feel like moving out of the house. Can I still apply for a hostel room? I'm probably willing to pay for it using my own (slowly depleting) cash reserve too. I can't live like this, it's killing me and I hate feeling like I'm still stuck in secondary school, like I never got out, like I'm still 16, young and stupid. Do you know what my dad said to me? I paraphrase and badly translate: "You have to ask me the next time you want to go out; otherwise, forget it."

Oh, yeah, I can so see it happening:

Me: Hey Dad, I'm going out with Clarence today.

Him: No.

Fighting, chaos and an eventual Cold War that shrouds the apartment in eternal Black ensue.

Right.

Dear Daddy, I did what you told me to. I chose to go to Law, I gave up my passion for Literature, I don't stay out past 7, I cared enough for your feelings to tell you about Clarence - only to have it backfire magnificently in my face. What the fuck more do you want me to do? How am I supposed to convince you that he's good enough for me, that I really, really like him, that he's not the person you unfairly think he is? Why do you refuse to see things from other angles other than your own? Above all else, why can't you give me room to grow and to learn? I'm my own person, not the product of a perfect daughter you had/have in mind. You don't even know me half as well as you think you do, and I know a large part of it is my fault because my Chinese is so bad that it causes a significant communication breakdown between us.

But still. I can't stop seeing him, I can't stop liking him just by snapping my fingers like it's some trick a conjurer would have you believe is real, and I'm not going to stop seeing him just because you don't like it. Don't blame me for lying to you. You had the option of me coming clean about everything that goes on in my life, but you chose to abuse it. Like I'd really tell you what I like about Clarence; why should I suffer the indignity of you twisting everything that I say into something grotesque to conveniently fit your warped impression of him in your mind?

And the funniest thing? The thing that hurts most? I genuinely thought you would understand.

���׵�ʧ��. ʧ��: To lose hope, literally translated. The Chinese equivalent of 'disappointment'.

But the word 'disappointment' barely begins to convey how much this pains me right now. I think I've truly lost all semblance to that elusive thing called 'hope'.

�֣� �Ҷ���е����׵�ʧ��.

**

On to happier thoughts.

I had an amazing time with Clarence today. I've recently discovered my amazing ability to wake up on time for an important event without the use of an alarm clock, literally- or figuratively-speaking (ie, my mom): Halfway through my slumber I'd suddenly remember that I have to get up early for something, exactly like how bright a room suddenly gets when someone switches on the lights. So this morning I was sleeping happily when suddenly my brain screamed, "Clarence!" I checked my watch and it wasn't even 8 a.m. yet; 7-bloody-37-a-bloody-m.

That is just bizarre, I know. But hey, it works for me, so what the hell.

I wanted to kill something, I really did. Then I switched on my phone, just in time to see his SMS sent at 3-something a.m. asking to meet an hour later. Ah hahaha okay fine, you're forgiven for robbing me of my sleep purely on the basis that 1) you were doing something important in the morning and it wasn't your fault that your computer died; and 2) you're so damn cute.

Wait, if there are 1) and 2) shouldn't it be 'bases'? But what's the plural form of 'basis' anyway?

On second thoughts, I don't even care right now so whatever.

I thought we were meeting for about a couple of hours as he was supposed to go rock climbing at 2 p.m. with his bro and his mate Justin, but something cropped up and that plan was scrapped - which left him stuck with me for the whole afternoon until about 6-something. HAHA! So I got on the train at Jurong East, saw a dude acting cool by wearing shades in the middle of a non-sunny MRT carriage, knew immediately it was him (who else does that??) and just as I was about to grab the empty seat next to him, some bloody fuckhead beat me to it. To make matters worse, she (pretty sure it was a female; bitch) didn't even have the courtesy to remove her huge ass when it was pretty clear that I was with him. It sickens me sometimes, how damn inconsiderate people are, and it wasn't like she was an old lady or something.

So in the end we were forced to stand. And I don't know why I'm writing about this, except that it was quite funny for a while because he was like, "Okay, I don't know why we're going in this direction." Our plans were screwed, so time for a new plan: City Hall! Yay my favourite place in the world!

I like the City Hall area even more than Orchard, if truth be told. Orchard is perpetually congested, it's so small that it gets boring after like two hours, and it's quite overrated if you want my honest opinion. Everyone goes there like it's so cool but you just run out of places to go after a while. City Hall is so much more fun because the possibilities seem endless...then again, maybe that's entirely due to the fact that I don't go there as often as I hit Orchard Road, and because I go Orchard so often it seems boring to me.

Okay, fuck it, who remotely cares? I need to get on with this entry and finish it before 10.30. Who knows what time my dad feels like turning in today. I'm not in the mood to ask for five more minutes of Internet time before he switches off the cable modem to sleep.

Clar and I had lunch at Cafe Cartel. Ahh nice nice macaroni! Got sick of it towards the end but it was heavenly anyway because I was suddenly starving. Clarence couldn't finish his food! Haha. The weird thing was, we delved into this mini-discussion about absolute morality and how valid it is halfway through lunch, and in the end I totally had no idea what we were talking about anymore and so I was like, "Okay, I don't know, I'm confused." What a bad cop-out but I was genuinely confused. I was off about the Iraq War and how it shows that killing is not an absolute moral sin as half of America's population supported it, he said something about how I concluded that there aren't any absolute values in the world simply based on that, and then I had nothing to say.

It's embarrassing when someone stumps me like that. My brains are seriously rotting away. I can't wait for school to start! (I think.)

He folded me a rose with a Cafe Cartel paper napkin (I know the word for it but can't remember the spelling right now and too lazy to check), said it's ugly but I think it's pretty. I came home though, and freaked out when I realised that I didn't have it. I thought I left it somewhere, in the toilet at Raffles City or something, when he told me just now that it's with him. Am I alone in thinking that I've lost my marbles? Because I felt relieved enough to laugh out loud despite that whole Dad thunder cloud hanging over my head.

Robinson. I swooned over their pretty cups, he lamented over the fact that the Star Wars Monopoly set he wants costs $99.90. And kitchen utensils suddenly seemed interesting. Sembawang Music and I'm suddenly remembering that he wanted to get this CD and that we were supposed to go HMV but we didn't in the end.

Oh well, we headed down to Tanjong Pagar afer Raffles City where he rock-climbed with his brother and his brother's friend. The minute I stepped in I wanted to laugh, like, what am I doing here, god this is hilarious, my friends will pee their pants laughing if they see me here. Yes, I felt out of place, weird and strange, but it was worth it seeing him do his stuff. Strangely fascinating. He made it look so easy, the way he ambled up like it cost him nothing (and who "ambles" up a rock wall, besides Spider-Man who isn't really real anyway?). It was just so nice to watch! Rock climbing is an amazing spectator sport. Haha!

He had to leave after an hour and a bit because of me, and I felt bad about cutting his fun short. While we were at the MRT station I was like, "I think you should go back, I can go to Orchard myself and buy the Mango bag." He said, "Don't be crazy!", said that I was talking rubbish, and followed me to Orchard where I bought my nice nice Mango bag, black and big enough for school, looks damn nice on me because I said so.

This is lame but that was probably my first time in Mango with a guy. How interesting. I saw this great, gorgeous long-sleeved top though, in dark brown, for as cheap as twenty-five dollars. Too bad about the colour; I'm not very fond of dark brownish clothes, but I think Mel would've liked it.

Great, now I feel like going back to try it. Uh, time to talk about something else.

Oh yeah my nice bag is only $49. Hahahahaha! Anyway it's cloth and not leather; hence. I wanted to buy this long-sleeved blue shirt from Topman (yes, Topman; I can't help having a thing for wearing men's clothing, like a nice baggy long-sleeved shirt with a short skirt) but thank goodness Clarence talked me out of it, because it's bloody $53 for a shirt that isn't really worth it. I think I would've severely regret it if Clarence weren't there, 'cause I would've bought it simply because I thought it looked damn nice.

I need a lobotomy.

Or rather, a brain transplant.

Or even better, a complete personality overhaul. I only have a thousand eight hundred in my bank account. Money is flowing out but not coming in, and note that I say 'flowing' out. Shit, I'm dead. I think it's time I consider prostitution. Easy money right?

(Not that any guy in his right mind would want to sleep with something like me but whatever, I'm entitled to my own delusions.)

Okay, moving on, we took the train back. He was going in the Woodlands direction and it's a long, lonely journey there and so I took the same direction as him. Anyway, I didn't feel like MRT-ing back on my own either so it was all good, worked for both of us. The train we were on terminated at Yishun so we got off at Khatib; he thought we'd be able to get on a less-crowded train that way. But then a train arrived, he saw how congested it was and said, let's wait for the next one. The next one arrived, it was rather empty, we were momentarily happy, when I realised, shit, it's empty and the announcement over the PA system suddenly registered in my mind, that the train was terminating at Yishun too. In the end the train we got on was crowded like hell too, so it made no difference.

Well, it kind of did. Make a difference, that is. We sat at the station and talked and it was nice. Realised something - that you don't have to talk all the time to enjoy another person's company. Don't know if he feels the same way but that's how it is for me, most of the time.

This is about all that I'm willing to divulge. Now I shall talk about the dull ache I'm feeling in the left side of my mouth.

Like: OH MY GOD SHIT I THINK MY WISDOM TOOTH IS COMING OUT. I mean, I know it's coming out, but it's going to hurt like mad and I'd have to remove it. Shit shit shit I'm so scared how???? In the morning it was the lower left gum that hurt; now the upper left gum hurts too. Tingren told me about the extraction thingy and it scared me to near tears. I can't take physical pain! Anything that involves heinous surgical procedures that will inflict great pain upon me scare me to death. I should probably see the dentist but I'm afraid of finding out the truth.

Why is the human body so troublesome? Like Clarence said early this morning at around 1 a.m., fats around your stomach should really go to your toes where they won't bother you as much, where you won't even notice them. And like, this stupid wisdom teeth thing is retarded. Why can't teeth just grow normally, dammit?

Oh well, anyway, I'm going to buy some yellow nailpolish soon. Suddenly I feel like painting my nails yellow, and it's Clarence's favourite colour so I'll be painting his nails yellow too.

How fun! He's just like a regular girlfriend. Hahahaha!

Just kidding. He finally found his white Adidas watch at the City Chain shop in Raffles City and blew about 85 bucks on it, which left him with a mere seven at the end of the day, something for which he blamed me 'cause I spotted the watch first and pointed it out to him. Yeah whatever! And immediately after he paid for his watch, they decided to play Jielun's beautiful and heart-breaking "Yi Lu Xiang Bei" and I made him stay in the store until the song was over.

The greatest bit? When I said, "Okay this is lame, let's go"? He said, "Nevermind, just stay til the end."

Yep, I'm going to bed happy today, so fuck everything else.

this entry requires chinese simplified encoding

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010