to Oblivion.
written: 9:52 a.m. on Tuesday, Aug. 09, 2005

I am extremely disturbed by the awful night I had. More importantly, I'm on the verge of self-loathing because of it, and I want to push the blame away but I don't need anymore red herrings when it's so obvious that the problem lies within myself.

I think I've given too much to too little and now I don't know if any of it was truly worth it. When I really stop to think I realise that it's been less than a month and a half, and the weird illusion of it feeling so much longer than that, like the familiarity of a routine you hold dear, throws me off balance. It deceives and pulls the veil over my eyes and I forget just how short it all has been. What can you expect out of something whose lifespan hasn't even remotely crossed the two-month mark? Why do I still expect anyway?

Essentially, I'm governed by my moods and emotions. I wanted to read my Torts textbook last night but after what transpired over invisible telephone lines I just couldn't. I was annoyed, I was extremely irritated, even pissed off, but beneath all those superficial emotions laid a subtle but dominant one that trumped everything else: disappointment.

So damn disappointed but then again, I should already be numbed to it. It's the story of my life after all, forgive the self-pitying innuendo.

Doesn't help you at all when someone ends up meaning more than the average jackass walking on the street.

Even worse when you have next to no basis for elevating that person to such a fucked up extent.

I got the urge too many times to pick up the phone receiver and dial your number (press redial), tell you everything, so that I could stop feeling so utterly unhappy; but each and everytime some other stupid consideration stopped me. Was it convenient for you to talk? Were you still on the train? Were you tired, would it ruin your day, would it wake you up if you were sleeping. I waited for the opportune moment but it never came. And then I fell asleep finally, 2 in the morning when I should've slept hours before because I was so astoundingly tired, hoping that everything would feel better once morning breaks, but I opened my eyes and it was 5.38 a.m. and nothing had changed. I woke up at 9 a.m. and got up, and nothing has changed because I'm sitting here at my laptop typing this entry potential tears feeling so stupid.

You don't remember at all and that's the thing that hurts the most. Remember this? The Friday before last, on the MRT, you were going to Woodlands and I took the long way home when I could've taken the faster bus. National Day fever in full swing (and I'm getting nothing more than a fucking headache). An advertisement. Fireworks on the 9th of August. Three other locations on this island, one of them nearby. Me saying: I wanna go see, you wanna?

Honestly? Don't remember what you said, but I know you didn't say no. You took out your cell, checked the calendar, discovered that the 9th of August is Tuesday, told me you're free.

Okay. Something else cropped up over the next few days and that's completely fine...except for the part where you don't remember at all. Not even anything that remotely suggests something along the lines of, "Hey I know you mentioned this thing but I really wanna do this other thing. Hope you understand."

And I would've, too. At least, I would've taken it better than the way I'm attempting to right now. I'm not a very demanding person; I let go easily, hate being a burden and an obligation to someone else, if you don't want to then it's fine, I'll get over it, I always do. But don't treat me like an after thought or a replacement for someone else, a "by the way", a casual and insincere "how are you" commonly tossed out to useless acquaintances, a question whose answer is pretty much insignificant.

And maybe you'll read this and go "Oh shit!" the way you always do when you realise that you forgot something, maybe you'll read this and things will change, maybe you'll remember how I once told you that I won't tell a person when I'm having issues with him/her, that I'll keep it all inside, but I kept it inside and it interfered drastically with the way I function and I'm sorry but I can't afford to waste my time and energy moping the day away right now. I have too much at stake and I need to get over this before lunch arrives and this is the only way I know how. I never said that I wasn't dysfunctional.

And it's not even about the stupid fireworks. I spent so many years in the past gazing at them out of the living room window of our Geylang flat exploding from the Kallang stadium and I'm too old and jaded to be sufficiently impressed anyway. But you know what? Yesterday, after that long, trying and tiring day in school, immense pressure from Day One that sent my head spinning in all directions, I was hoping to have some sort of respite, some reprieve, something to help me forget for a few hours before Wednesday comes and sweeps me away in the insanity that is Law school all over again. Yes, I know you told me days before that you have this thing to do today, and I know half of this whole shit is my own doing, my inherent stupidity and fallibility as a fucking stupid female, but I'M SORRY I can't help it, and sure as hell couldn't stop the crushing sense of disappointment that I felt last night, whose remnants I still vaguely feel now.

Maybe you'll read this and things will change between you and me. Right now, I think it's a gamble I'm willing to take; I refuse to be the sort of girl who sheds useless tears over a guy anymore. Nothing can ever get more preposterous and denigrating than that.

**

To the people out there who hate me that are reading this, this is your cue to laugh.

**

Agenda for today:

Have lunch with Mom.

Come home.

Switch off the handphone (not that it makes a difference either way).

Read notes on Contract Law.

Do the 20-word sentence assignment (writing in convoluted, lawyer-ish English is near-impossible to me right now; hence my putting off this easy-shit assignment).

Read assigned readings from Neumann book.

Read Chapter One of Textbook on Torts.

If time permits, watch Alias.

Most importantly, cease to feel.

At least for today.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010