need bullet through head.
written: 8:34 p.m. on Monday, Aug. 08, 2005

So. Amazingly. Enervated.

I admit: I freaked out last night when I logged on to IVLE and discovered a bunch of stuff waiting for me to download. It was overwhelming and that's putting it mildly. It was the A Levels magnified and multiplied to the power of exponential infinity, and after the first day of real lessons I'm feeling like I'm on the verge of truly dropping dead.

Felt stupid, felt pressurised, felt regret. Above all else? Felt self-doubt.

This is way harder than I'd initially thought and gave it credit (grammatical error inherent in sentence is regrettable). I'm not the type who would ever admit to failure; I'd rather drown in my incompetence than to say the words "I have failed and hence I'm giving up". So yes, welcome to the beginning of a very long, tedious and weary road towards the end, Self. I hope you'll sit back, relax, enjoy the ride, and not get carsick every other nanosecond because it's too cumbersome to clean up after you all the time.

So amazingly tired. Had horrible migraine attacks a couple of hours ago. This is Madness.

All my intrinsic negativity aside, the Torts lecture was quite fun and engaging. My sitting third row from the front helped as well, I'm sure. For the first lecture (which was an introductory to Law lecture type of thingy) Chloe and I were seated riiiight at the back, last row, and there were people coming in late and sitting on the floor behind us, making a shit lot of noise, hence pissing me off; also, the dude in front of me kept blocking my view. Lesson learnt: From now onwards I'll go to school half an hour before a morning lecture commences to get seats in front.

I'm turning into a stupid kiasu mugger-wannabe pseudo-nerd. Wahoo.

Right, I was talking about the Torts lecture and how it was quite fun and engaging, and yeah, some of it is quite complicated but I like how it provokes thought (however useless the provoked thought is in normal, everyday, non-lawyer lives) and thus sets you thinking. Finally, something cerebrally challenging!

Maybe that's why I feel like I'm drowning. I guess I'll just have to get used to it.

I hung out with Rui and Mag at McDonalds' after lunch, and Rui and I were looking at the Torts tutorial and trying to figure out answers to the questions. My god, the stupid hypothetical situation they gave? Totally hilarious. I was laughing after every paragraph, especially that bit about this dude who was bullied by this other dude and as a result crashed into some low-quality flagpole and sustained severe injuries. Haha!

Jokes aside, Rui and I seriously had suuuuch a fucking picnic trying to figure out who suffered losses, who owed whom damages, very fun things along those lines, and practically everywhere we tried to navigate we were met with a huge roadblock. Some things seem to make sense but you don't really know if they do because the links that you're trying to establish are so vague and indirect that it feels like you're trying too hard to force a connection on second thoughts; other times, you wonder if this obvious link is actually too obvious to be valid.

So utterly confusing. All things considered though, it was pretty fun.

Legal Writing tutorial: SO DAMN FREAKING OUT OF THIS WORLDLY SCARY. Oh my god, class participation constitutes 25% of your total grade?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! And most people hover between a B and a solid C?!?!?!?!?!?! Argh I'm so gonna die. People were talking and I was trying to catch up. How shit is that?

Okay, not entirely accurate; I made it sound like I was totally lost, but I wasn't really. I was just bowled over by how vocal some of the people in my group were. I mean, I come from JJC lah hello? The school in which speaking up in class is practically akin to voluntarily stepping in front of a non-stop firing squad.

I have all these inhibitions though, inside, deeply-entrenched insecurities and self-doubt that prevent me from doing things, from saying things. I hate to put this in such pedestrian terms, but all the same: It's bad. Like, really, really bad, especially now, when we're talking about a quarter of my grade here. Something must be done about that.

Must be more like Mel! I admire how fearlessly she speaks up in class all the time and how easily she can strike up a conversation with a total strange. It's amazing, if you ask me. In fact, I would be even more reserved than I already am if I hadn't met her in JC. She brought out the minute outgoing side of me, took me out of my shell. I'll never forget that.

I'm so excited about Wednesday! I'm crashing the 2 p.m. to 4 p.m. Lit lecture!!! Omg Lit lecture!!!!!!!! Haha so glad contract law tutorials only start on the 29th of this month!

Okay anyway, I like my legal writing tutor. She's crazy. She's a female version of Tubby, minus the self-deprecating humour. I have this nagging suspicion that she took Lit in JC or something; the melodrama and the wit, all so characteristic of a person who's had some sort of contact with Lit/drama. So cool.

I have to say this: I miss Clarence a lot. I wanted to message him today after the Torts lecture but I was having this severe problem with a horrendously-jammed SMS inbox and I didn't want to be forced to delete anything and so I didn't. I so have to call him later or else I will just like die or something. Treat it as a last glimpse of paradise before I truly plunge head-first into hell.

Or something. I think I'm just crazy.

I'm going to watch America's Next Top Model later on. Need something to soften up the brains.

If that remotely makes sense. Whatever!

before sunrise // before sunset


Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010