life unravelled.
written: 8:48 p.m. on Wednesday, Aug. 10, 2005

TODAY WAS A BLAST. Save for the few minutes between the end of today's contract law lecture and the start of the library tour during which I felt like a displaced alien who did not remotely belong in their world, today was one of the best days I ever had, ever. First, the contract law lecture...wasn't quite a revelation, and there were people who didn't read the assigned reading beforehand so the lecturer started from scratch; said things that I already gathered for myself from the notes, but it was still interesting nonetheless, despite me losing focus towards the end (nobody can seriously pay THAT close attention to ANYTHING at 10 in the morning). I find that I'm more interested in the theoretical aspects of law, the things you study under Torts and Contract, rather than the pedantic, downright irritating shit you force yourself to read for Legal Writing. I was reading the Neumann book last night and that was the precise reason for my sleeping at 11.30 p.m. Legal English is totally in a league of its own. You try reading statutes and nothing makes an ounce of sense, and it's freaking scary, 'cause the textbook breaks it down for you into nicely-compartmentalised components, tell you what to look out for, how to make sense of such convoluted English, but I don't know, I'm still pretty confused. Guess it didn't help, too, that my mildly-dyslexic brain mistook "causal term" for "casual term" when I was trying to comprehend what I was reading. No wonder it didn't make sense.

Now I know why.

Anyway, library tour...was utterly confusing and I don't remember half of what was being said, so oh well. The library is fantastic though, in all honesty. At first I was pretty averse to the idea of studying in a library, which is an aversion that any sane Jurong Junior College student would've cultivated in his two years of study (and I'm using this word loosely) there, all thanks to how disgustingly pathetic the library there is (you gotta see it for yourself; my mom went there once and never suggested me studying there ever again). But the law library is GREAT. It's so nice and well-furnished and spacious and quiet. Above all else? It's bright. Like wow. And it doesn't have annoying librarians telling switching off fans when you're feeling damn hot or turning up the air-conditioning or whatever.

What a damn shame that we're moving to Bukit Timah next year. I can already see how torturous, even more torturous, attempting to survive is going to be for me.

What can I say, absolutely tedious attempting to make new friends and socialise. I just can't do it. I had a nice thing going on for me in Jurong Junior with my close-knit group of friends with whom I can share almost anything, with whom life in Julonk "Nobody Here Can Speak English" Junior was no less than absolutely fantastic, and I liked it, loved it in fact, it was familiar and cosy and comfortable; how can I be culpable for not wanting to let go? Despite all the bitchings about how the school sucks (well, it did and still does, I'm sure), how everyone was stupid, how the Science students were so blatant about their lousy English, whatever else crap we came up with, the times spent there...I wouldn't trade them for anything else in the world, really. Wonderful times with Mel, Pei and Khai; Baoyue, Simon and Angela; and...well, Tingren and I only got close after we graduated, for some inexplicable reason, but I'll miss her too.

And so I was relieved and stoked to hang out with Mel and Pei today, and then Khai later on in the afternoon. Had lunch with Mel and Pei, their friend Glory, and Reilly. Oh my god Reilly is so hot, and so gay. Haha! (I mean gay as in literally, full-fledged gay, and no, I'm not referring to the other, more socially-acceptable definition of the word.) I still think he looks better with short hair though. Oh well. His blue shoelace-like ponytail thingy was heaps cool.

I crashed Lit lecture.

Okay, after crashing Lit lecture I no longer regret not taking it at NUS. What can I say, really? I just was not impressed. No offence, but honestly, I think my Lit tutors at JJC were much better than the lecturers over there. Like Tubby and Mr. Anand. Tubby is a genius, period. He's one of the best teachers I ever had, ever. And Mr. Anand? He is so passionate about the subject, so learned and amazing at it that his enthusiasm is totally infectious. You can learn so damn much from him because he is so damn good, just like Tubby (only difference is, Tubby seems more jaded about Lit students and hence doesn't exude the same amount of passion that Mr. Anand does). In JJC, despite the occasional grammar lessons in Lit classes, the tutors say things that make your hair stand and send chills all over your body because they're so profound, so revelatory, as if you suddenly had all the answers to the inexplicable questions that life is so fond of throwing at you. They make you get why Lit is so pervasive throughout everyday life, make you fully and completely understand why you yourself love it the way you do and then reinforce that passion for you; but I didn't get any of those things in today's Lit lecture. It was just, oh, Lolita is about this and that, Lit is about this and that, yadayadayada. I mean, I don't question the lecturers' literary capacity, but they weren't engaging and I was falling asleep.

I don't know, I just wasn't impressed, really. Mel wasn't either but Pei found the Lolita lecture interesting. The first half was an intro lecture, overview of the course, things that weren't relevant to me. If it weren't for spending time with my awesome friends though, it would've been a total waste of time, and I think it was. It was two hours and I could've finished my legal writing tutorial preparation in that span of time.

Oh well, at least now I won't regret anymore.

Anyway, Khai, who's taking Lit, showed up for lecture at the exact moment during which it ended. Still the same old Khai. Haha!

I had the most orgasmic, profound and naked talk with Khai and Pei at the Arts canteen. It was amazing. Unravelled thoughts hanging in the air, so tangible that you could almost hold them in your fist, a French kiss in verbal words, and it's amazing the way Khai and I get each other on so many things. What struck me most was this thing she said about wanting herself to be extraordinary, to make an impact, and how she won't settle for anything less than that; otherwise, life isn't quite worth living.

And I totally, absolutely relate. The worst kind of affliction is that of mediocrity, the feeling of inadequacy, how you don't measure up. Maybe we're too egotistical but, I don't know, for me, it's like, I have to do well in this thing I'm going into, or else. Not getting 4A's kind of took away the whole getting 3A's thing, however stupid that sounds, because the ultimate aim eventually eluded me and what I eventually got wasn't quite what I was working towards. You get over it in due time but what if it's a trend that will perpetuate and not cease? What if the disparity between your reach and your grasp is always going to be a huge gaping hole that never quite shrinks in size? What then?

I think I'm painfully average, I think I will be average in law school, and when that becomes a reality, I'll probably get suicidal all over again. You go psycho trying to be the best but if you weren't born to be at the top, nothing's going to change no matter how much you try. But you're stubborn, the way I am, so you keep trying anyway, nevermind the amount of hardship it causes, the amount of pain and how excruciating it is, anything not to be average. Mediocrity is worse than anything else in the world; it might as well be death.

Seriously? Khai is probably the first person I know who feels the same way as me. Mel and Khai, and me, perhaps, we're at the periphery of this banal thing called reality and societal norm, what is socially acceptable. Fuck it all because it doesn't matter. I'm not the type of person who makes friends easily, let alone keep friends easily. I can't talk freely to just anyone and the people with whom I find some sort of affinity can be counted on one hand.

And so you are amazed when people like Mel and Khai and Pei come into your life and make it so much better as a result. People with whom you can sit down at a non air-conditioned canteen and have a real heart-to-heart for a couple of hours, during which the chatter never stops, and conversation doesn't get any more meaningful than what we had today. Like I said, it was orgasmic. Almost a mind fuck for me as well.

I wish they were all in Law with me.

Or rather, I wish we were still in JC, minus the stupid backstabbing that went on in some class and other retarded high school-ish, juvenile crap that some girls seem so fond of. Honestly, I don't get why people feel the urge to subscribe to hypocrisy, pretend to be nice to someone in front of them and talk crap about that person behind her back. It's so absolutely retarded, really; there's no other word for it. I've always been damn upfront about such things. If I like a person, I'll hang out with that person. I don't bother talking to people whom I don't like, let alone maintain a veneer of friendship with them and then go on to bitch about them behind their backs. What's the point? Such psyche is something I'd never understand.

And I was on the outside looking in in SNGS and that was exactly how things seemed to operate from where I was observing. That's why I hated it so much. I can't deal with such nonsense; it's just not worth it at all.

The ironic thing? Pei said that her first impression of me was that I was a typical CHIJ girl. And there I was, thinking I was this huge rebellious outsider that hated all that the school stood for. Ha!

Anyway, it's getting late and I got things to do, so I'll just wrap this up.

Sometimes, I can't help being a girl. I think we're all stupid essentially. We get clingy, become unreasonable, let our insecurities get the better of us. Totally preposterous and insane but what's to be done about that? And so I do things like what I did yesterday and now I just think it was retarded. My pride got into the way of things. I could've just said, "Wanna see fireworks after that?" but I didn't. I don't quite comprehend why, exactly; it was just one of those things, one of those days and I can't explain it.

And I just miss Clarence. Not despite of yesterday's nonsense, but because of it. I was thinking I could explain this but now I realise that I don't understand it either; it's just something that suddenly hits you and you go, "Oh wow."

And that's all there is to it.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010