you think you know somebody.
written: 7:09 p.m. on Friday, Aug. 19, 2005

(By the way, 'verbal' and 'oral' are not synonymous with each other. I only realised the mistake I've been making since forever when I read my Legal Writing textbook.)

I feel crappy, I feel horrible, I feel extremely sad, I feel lethargic, I wish I were comatose.

I wish I wasn't born with the ability to feel. I wish I wasn't born with the ability to think. I wish I weren't me; I wish I were below average, that I'm someone else, that I wasn't born at all.

I wish nothing ever happened.

I wish I never got into Law school.

I wish I could stop being stupid and just settle for mediocrity - but I can't. This insatiable desire to excel is this close to making me give up.

Look into the mirror and tell me what the fuck you see. Honestly. You're not the prettiest girl in the world; you're not the most intelligent girl in the world; and you sure as hell aren't anywhere close to any of those things.

I'm so tired of everything. The way I keep pushing myself to do work, the insidious guilt I feel when I slack off like old times, the way I hate myself for it as a result.

And then there's this other thing that's severely bothering me which I can't talk about here.

This isn't cathartic in any fucking way.

What is the point if it keeps hurting you?

Do you keep on pretending like everything's fine when you hardly recognise yourself nowadays?

I just want the old me back.

The old me who would go up to the guy who is cookie-cutter perfection in Law school and ask him out (sorry Khai for stealing your phrase); that person feels a million worlds away.

My Torts tutor said that Law students are good in English because their parents both have good command of the language.

Oh how I wanted to laugh and antagonise him by saying, "Oh but you know, my Dad's Taiwanese and doesn't understand much English and my Mom was Chinese-educated in SNGS and Hwa Chong, second JC batch. How do you explain that?"

How does anyone attempt to explain me? You make yourself feel good by saying, Anyone's lucky to have you, to have your attention, blah blah fuck blah, empty words to make yourself feel better about the fact that you're simply NOT THAT SPECIAL contrary to your own deluded belief otherwise. Your parents bloat your already-immense ego by saying, Ni de tiao jian hen hao, you have the whole package, looks and intelligence, but strangely, I don't feel pretty and I sure as hell do not feel smart.

We run parallel to each other. Sooner or later neither of us would try to find possible points of intersection anymore. You take a protractor and attempt to skew your line towards the other person's but you realise that you keep failing because you're essentially parallel lines.

No point of intersection, now and forever.

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What the Torts tutor said only further made me realise how badly I don't belong in school.

"When was the last time you got a C?" he asked. A rhetorical question, in the midst of his speech on stress and handling Law school.

Ignoring what was plainly a rhetorical question just because I could, I said, ironically, "During the A Levels."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I need a shopping spree. I'm driving myself mad and I need some sort of distraction, a taste of reprieve, so tomorrow I'm going out. I don't care whom with, if it's with myself; I need to buy things. Try on clothes, browse books at Kinokuniya/Borders, get pissed off by irritating Orchard crowd that insists on walking so fucking slowly and blocking the passageway. I don't even care that my bank account is haemorrhaging like fucking mad; I need to spend money.

No matter how unjustified, how pampered, how spoilt.

I miss so many people: Mel, Khai, Pei, Carine, Yun, Pearlyn, Ben, Simon.

I can't stand people leaving anymore.

Or am I the one who's left?

I hate how some people are always never there.

Or am I the one who's never here?

None of this is making any sense and I'm definitely not making an effort to be coherent.

I am extremely disturbed by how disturbed I was during Torts tutorial today when it was obvious that the tutor wasn't literarily-inclined (poetic license lah wah lau). I feel like I couldn't relate. It was so unlike LAWR tutorials, which I really enjoy, because the tutor is so fun and I knew right off the bat that she had some interaction with Literature before. Somehow, that fact made me feel better about being in Law school, like she could understand if I told her how uncertain I felt (if I choose to do so; and knowing myself, the chances of that happening are about 0.00000000000000001%) and how I kept and keep second-guessing myself. I know I want this but I also want something else. How do I reconcile the two? Why do I have to reconcile the two?

You make all these choices and you think you know what you're doing but what if you step into the Future and realise that you got it all wrong? And then it's too late to turn back time and correct things, so what do you do then? You think you like somebody and that you could possibly be happy liking that somebody and then you marry that somebody and two months later you end up hating each other. What then?

Before anything happens I can already envision its end. Why do we keep trying anyway? You take a step forward and you get your feet stepped on and it hurts like crazy but you've stepped too far foward to step back now so you force a smile and plaster it on your face like pretty plastic and pretend that that makes the hurt go away. Huh, what sense does that make? I don't know either but that's simply what we do all the time, isn't it?

My self-confidence is currently under siege. I guess the fortress I thought I built around it never really existed.

Wow I found a blog in Kanagawa!

That's in Japan, obviously. It's where Slam Dunk is set and I love Slam Dunk to bits and unrecognisable pieces. It makes me laugh so hard like nothing else could. And Mitsui Hisashi is hot, now and forever, and he'll always be my soulmate.

Oh but I'm now a year older than him.

Fuck why do we have to grow up.

entry requires chinese simplified encoding

title of entry taken from title of episode five of first season of veronica mars

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010