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a bad day.
written: 10:11 p.m. on Friday, Sept. 02, 2005

I am so sick of school I just want to drop out and throw in the towel once and for all I was supposed to do last-minute SLS readings in the library this morning but I was more enthralled by Julian Barnes's official website and Franz Kafka's biography and I didn't pay an ounce of attention during SLS and was MSN-ing the whole fucking time away and now I don't know what went on and because it's Singapore Legal System I don't even care all that much to find out.

Having a laptop with wireless internet connection in class is a bad, bad idea.

Tort tutorial was fun for the most part.

Apart from that I can't seem to muster any iota of enthusiasm for school-related matters at all.

What do I want to do? I just want to write and read. It's the most instinctive answer there is, I don't even have to think and the words form in my head with ease and roll off my tongue like it's the most obvious thing in the world. And it is, it's so plain to everyone who knows me and now I'm wondering why did I choose this?

Everything I say comes with a disclaimer that betrays a severe lack of confidence on my part. The toilet is that way...I think. Causation is an element of negligence...I think. Fuck I'm tired of my disclaimers, inherent fear of being wrong, of being proven wrong, I'm tired of my

I'm tired of being interrupted when I'm trying to write something.

I'm tired of my gross inability to express myself and how it's so much easier sometimes to use other people's words to make up for what I can't say.

I'm the girl who's always straddling that grey, uncertain area, that in-between where you're neither here nor there. And you don't know who you are anymore. You look in the mirror and you don't really recognise the face you're seeing. You do these things and you're going through the motion and nothing more, strictly sleep-walking through this hilariously depressing facade that is supposed to be your life. And you try to find people to talk to who may understand but they're never there, people whom you thought you could rely on like a solid rock. They're too busy, they've moved on while you're still stuck in limbo, wishing for the life that was, always looking back on the past with longing nostalgia that tastes more bitter than unsweetened coffee, more saccharine than honey.

You're lonely.

I am lonely.

Heave a big sigh as if that would make everything better. Everything is pretty much useless, you know. Maybe, deep down inside, you think you're worthless which is why you always, always feel like you're imposing on others when you ask them to do things with you. How terribly sad.

Cry me a fucking river, really.

If I could stop time I would freeze it in a particular moment so that things would never change. I'm alive but I'm not living. I'm in a crowd and I feel like the most alone person in the world. I'm an alien on Earth and I don't belong. Something strange about my personality, inability to draw people in, an intrinsic urge to spit them out. Always keeping them at bay. I'm my own mystery and my own muse.

I want to be special to someone, just one person would be enough.

I want to fall in love with a stranger the way I did when I was 16. How I didn't think and just acted, the exhilaration and sucking the marrow out of life, but then again hindsight is always 20/20 and you tend to romanticise the parts that make up the whole that loosely represents your past. Have things moved along so tediously that you'd settle for anything now, even if it doesn't really measure up to your standards?

Sorry, just having a bad day.

Seems like 90% of my days are bad days.

If it's PMS my fucking period is sure taking a long time to come.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010