i've been locked inside your heart-shaped box for weeks.
written: 8:55 p.m. on Tuesday, Sept. 06, 2005
I didn't have a nice lunch, I was stuck in NUS until about 6.30 in the evening, the printing shop woman at Bukit Batok pissed me off, I had no idea what was happening during SLS and it was Prof. B's last lecture and I actually like him, I suffered monstrous period pains, and the McDonalds at the Engineering faculty is lousy enough to tell me that they couldn't serve me McFlurry because their stupid ice-cream machines were broken. Like, have you heard anything more preposterous?
Rui and I went to the Engineering canteen 'cause she was sick of the Arts canteen and I don't like the Business canteen. So I went to get myself a bowl of fishball noodles. So I asked the woman, "Do you put meat in it?" She was like, "Yeah." I requested for her NOT to put the meat, she was all Okay and whatever, then a few minutes later she plonked a bowl of noodles on my tray. I took a look and it was minced meat and mushroom noodles. Hello, I asked for fishball for crying out loud! Why can't people just get my fucking order right? To make matters worse, she plonked down another bowl of noodles and it was fishball AND MINCED MEAT. I told her, "I don't want meat", and she didn't even have the courtesy to prepare another bloody bowl for me; instead, she half-heartedly scooped out the boiled remains of that poor dead pig and shoved the bowl at me.
Like fuck I was gonna take that. I'm paying for my food and I'm not paying for food that I won't eat. So I said, "Can you make me another bowl?"
People should have a greater sense of initiative. Honestly. I just wanted to clobber someone and I took so long to get that stupid, shitty bowl of noodles that by the time I got back to our table I think Rui was half dying of hunger. And when she went to get her food (which she didn't like) she came back, like, two seconds later. And the stupid canteen was crowded and hot and it pissed me off.
Then it was McDonalds that pissed both of us off and got Rui very depressed. We were contemplating bringing a cause of action against McDonalds for causing us nervous shock and for breaching their duty of care to us; their duty being, of course, to serve us bloody McFlurry when we want it! And hell I was really looking forward to the damn ice-cream! We were conversing via MSN during SLS and going off about cheesecakes and ice-cream and sweet, tasty dessert-esque things along those lines, and when SLS ended I couldn't wait to get lunch out of the way so that I could have my McFlurry, so imagine my absolute chagrin when the McDonalds dude told me that their lousy ice-cream machine was broken.
So we trudged back to the Central Library after Rui couldn't remember where she saw that ice-cream vending machine. And I think the people from Haagen Das should stop charging a heart and two lungs for their tiny-sized cup ice-creams. Honestly, no matter how badly I was craving for ice-cream, there is no way in hell I'd fork out $4 for tiny cup of ice-cream because it is absolutely ridiculous. In the end I settled for a can of green tea (that I drank without a straw - the horrors) and Rui, a pack of jelly beans which she finished in about two hours. More power to her!
We were supposed to discuss our Tort tutorial problem...but after walking from the Law faculty to the Engineering one and back (well, almost back anyway), and after settling in the Central Library and discovering that the power points there don't work for some retardedly inexplicable reason, by the time we dragged ourselves to the C J Koh library both of us were too tired to do anything. I spent my time half-heartedly looking up wrongful birth cases (and found zilch 'cause I don't know how to use LawNet and LexisNexis despite the training for the latter) and mostly reading articles on Julian Barnes. And of course, there was MSN.
Obviously it wasn't a very productive afternoon, but Rui sent me her case summary for McFarlane v Tayside Hospital so it's all good. And I had fun with Rui so it's all good too.
I keep getting disconnected.
I went to school feeling like a zombie and I did the GP walk all the way from the central forum to LT 15. (The GP walk: A term coined by Mr. Tim Dore, my GP tutor in Jurong Junior, to describe the lifeless, lackadaisical way in which Jurong Junior students shuffle to GP classes.)
I got into my mom's car, all zombie-fied and unresponsive to her attempts to talk to me.
After dinner I took my Small Cow to my brother's room, plonked down on his bed and immediately fell asleep.
I just want everything to stop.
Today is not a good day to feel this way again when I told myself to read my Contract cases, get off my ass and do work, stop wallowing in gratuitous and nonsensical self-pity, stop obsessing over trivial matters that won't fucking make a difference in the long run. I feel so lethargic, so bogged down by all these non-issues that I make issues because I am me and thus stupid, and the real issues that I should confront are the ones I choose to run away from. Why am I digging my own grave, why am I relentlessly committing academic suicide, why do I not seem to care. Why am I so obsessive, why do I expect so much, why do I get so little in return. Non-issues and issues. Non-issues that I make issues. Our lives seem so mutually exclusive and the only time when they intersect is when we attempt to communicate while physically, we are miles and miles apart. I tell myself to stop but it keeps raining on the parade I try to set in motion, just shut up and leave me alone, I break myself against you just to feel how it'd hurt, and it hurts so bad that it's pain, so excruciating in its insidious vagueness that taunt and mock.
I dare you to break my heart. Isn't that what this is all about? A game and nothing more? Date a player and you'd be waiting with bated breath to find out who gets played first. I could play if you wanted me to, but if you want me to play you'd have to let me know straight off the bat. I could play as well as anyone, fake as well as anyone, be callous and cold and calculative in the interests of self-protection, see a relationship as a contract, if it works it becomes an arrangement (thanks Khai), ultimately I don't fucking care. You wonder why I wanted so desperately to believe in the wannabe-poetic lines I wrote, the cavity that is perpetually masquerading as my heart, to believe what people say when they tell me I'm cold after I divulge my secrets. Don't wonder anymore; it's clear as daylights, so simple and obvious.
It's the only way out, isn't it? I'm going back to my fourteen-year-old mantra: A person's only real protection is not caring. What an attractive concept.
Simultaneously I trip over the fact that it's been five years and things don't seem to have changed all that much.
I suppose this is the part where I laugh, loudly and bitterly.
i'm running out of lies. says:
you know,
i'm running out of lies. says:
if only we could put the world on hold
i'm running out of lies. says:
and just watch all the films and read all the books we ever wanted
i'm running out of lies. says:
wouldn't that be amazing?
yelen: i've been locked inside your heart-shaped box for weeks. says:
oh, yes, totally. you have no idea. stopping time and everything. i hate how everything just speeds by and i barely have time to catch up
yelen: i've been locked inside your heart-shaped box for weeks. says:
it'd be so nice if we could just do whatever we want
yelen: i've been locked inside your heart-shaped box for weeks. says:
without worrying about the consequences
yelen: i've been locked inside your heart-shaped box for weeks. says:
because there wont be any consequences
i'm running out of lies. says:
i know.
i'm running out of lies. says:
i'd kill for that really.
i'm running out of lies. says:
as it is, so we are
i'm running out of lies. says:
caught up in the mundane realities of life
i'm running out of lies. says:
bite me, anyone
Khai and her mind fucks. I'd turn lesbian for her too.
before sunrise // before sunset
Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010