a subcutaneous blade.
written: 6:20 p.m. on Wednesday, Sept. 14, 2005
I am single-minded and ruled by my negative emotions. My closed memo re-write is due next Monday; I just had my personal conference with my tutor which alerted me to the amount of things I have to work out; and today's Contract tutorial was total hell because I was falling asleep and I didn't understand what was going on as 99% of the tutor's words failed to register.
I am confronted by all these other obligations, things that need my attention, if I don't get started I'd get another C+/B-. But as I think these thoughts they come back to me faintly in soft undulating echoes, barely register, and slink away again.
I just want to wallow and weep and crumble up inside and die.
**
It's hard being at home when you're feeling this way because your mom doesn't know when to back off and when to stop asking millions of questions that you really do not want to answer. And she kind of has an idea of what's wrong with you and she tries to make you feel better but it really doesn't help when she tells you how stupid you are and how you once proclaimed that you would never be hurt by a guy because you know that yourself - that you're stupid and the things you used to believe - and you really do not need another person to constantly remind you of your glaring imperfections and disgusting flaws.
I love my mom.
But she doesn't understand the concept of Space and how much I need it at fucked up times like these.
**
"You know what's the worst thing about somebody breaking up with you? It's when you remember how little you thought about the people you broke up with and you realise that is how little they're thinking of you. You know, you'd like to think you're both in all this pain but they're just like 'Hey, I'm glad you're gone.'" - Jesse (Ethan Hawke), Before Sunrise
**
Was reading my archives and discovered that I spent no more than three entries talking about post-break up feelings (or lack thereof).
Last night alone I posted three entries talking incoherently about how terrible I felt.
And today I'm in the process of adding yet another entry on how terrible I still feel - which makes four redundant entries on this issue.
And I can already foresee how I'm going to write more entries about how terrible I feel for the next few days/weeks/months/who knows really. And I wish I could stop dwelling on it and stop wallowing and do my readings and tutorials and whatever and just plain get over it but I can't because it hurts so much and I couldn't sleep last night and I couldn't even cry anymore because I was too tired to and I try to forget, I really do, but something feels wrong anyway when I'm done laughing on MSN or with Khai at the study benches. And I really wanted to watch "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" but Video Ezy King Albert Park didn't have it and I'm convinced that the entire world is against me, that life is fucked up for playing such a cruel joke on me, even vague statements made in Contract tutorials seem to resonate in places within me that haven't already been tainted by Law, He�s lulling someone into believing something and now he changes his mind (forgive the bad grammar).
I hate my victim complex and how bitter I sound. I hate how I'm using this shit as an excuse not to study because it's so childish and immature, no reasonable adult would reasonably behave this way. I don't even know what my fucking problem is since we were never exactly together; but maybe it's how the promise of maybe something more was so short-lived and so abruptly stamped out that makes it painful, how I fervently didn't want to let go and only chose to do so (well, at least in theory) because hanging on would hurt even more, how I wish so badly that things had turned out differently, that we'd met at a different time, that it'd worked out.
Am I good only for feelings that end as quickly as they begin, doomed eternally to pseudo-engagements that come and go with a snap of the fingers? Ten months to two months to a month and a half; what next? A month, three weeks, two weeks and four days, two weeks, a week, five days, two hours, three minutes, twelve seconds? Why is there a permanent antithesis between myself and the other person? They wanted commitment but I couldn't commit; now I wanted something more and he wanted exactly what we had.
I don't know whether to find dark, morbid hilarity in that or to take it as a sign that I'm not meant to either love or be loved or both.
I want to be an android.
**
Ruishan gave me a huge box of chocolate Hello Panda today. Haha! Thanks Ruishan. I love you!
**
I had a packet of Rui's Hello Panda, some of Khai's honey stars, and I thought I was still hungry so I bought pasta from the Grinnin' Gecko but after ten tubes of penne I felt super sick.
I don't do the comfort food thing. I don't have much of an appetite today.
**
I shall take refuge in Julian Barnes's amazing words and forget everything else for now.
before sunrise // before sunset
Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010