peace of mind.
written: 9:10 p.m. on Saturday, Sept. 17, 2005

I am trying to do my closed memo re-write right this moment and I am this close to declaring that I am dropping out of Law school.

Apparently the way I organised my answer the first time round wasn't that clever after all. I came up with the supposedly-brilliant idea of arranging everything according to age, intelligence and experience; however, my tutor told me that by doing that I was effectively tearing apart Irene Chan (the stupid moron who just had to injure her bimbotic boy-crazy retarded friend with a stupid javelin) and not looking at the issue holistically. In other words, I am currently trying to think of a better way to organise my answer but I can't think of anything at all. I was merely trying to emulate what Neumann did in Appendix C but apparently I got it wrong.

Oh, peace joy and laughter. I hate LAWR assignments. Imagine the kind of bitchings I'd be doing when we commence on the open memo. I hate doing research and I hate group work so yeah, the open memo is so gonna kill me.

Death and abortions! (This saying particularly cracks me up because it apparently what Mr. Tim Dore uses in place of 'fuck' and other assorted swear words when he's around students. Hilarious, that dude.)

I read over my closed memo and I can't believe I managed to come up with that. And I'm not sure if I mean it in a positive or negative way. I mean, it's not exactly a masterpiece and it's pretty shoddy but for a last-minute piece of work I guess it's rather passable. The only problem is, I still don't know how to improve on it and my tutor told me that I'm verbose and I have this inability to recognise my own verbiage and oh the whole stare decisis thing is still pretty lost on me, as is the way in which I'm supposed to go about incorporating the Singapore cases into my answer.

Sigh. What a bother.

**

I walked to the Rail Mall at 6-something just to rent Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind from Video Ezy. And since I was there, I thought, 'what the heck' and strolled into Cold Storage where I got myself a carton of SupaShake which Khai introduced to me and a carton of coffee (600ml of it which made me sick). When I was done I walked all the way home, and when I came home it was ten minutes past 7.

And along the way I thought hard about what transpired over the past few days and I think - and fervently hope - that I have finally come to terms with it.

I don't quite remember why I was so upset. And this is not me being vindictive or self-defensive; it's a realisation that dawned upon me in quite a matter-of-fact manner without the excess baggage of neurotic emotions coming into play. When you strip everything down to their bare essential facts things are easier, much easier, to accept; and when you can do that you're taking one step away from junior college-esque immaturity.

And that's basically me over the last few days: junior college-esque immaturity. For all my claims to intellectual superiority, when it comes to handling emotions I am a total wreck. I don't want to behave like a typical female who embodies the phrase 'hell hath known no fury like a woman scorned', and not just because it is so terribly cliche and predictable, but because it simply reeks of childishness and pettiness. I don't want to be petty and I don't want to be immature and childish anymore.

Grow up, Yelen. The world doesn't end just because you didn't get the guy that you wanted (and to some extent, still want, because he's cute and he'll always be cute). And friendship doesn't end just because it didn't work out between the two of you.

Grow up. Once and for all.

**

I saw Clarence while waiting for 171 at the bus stop yesterday along Upper Bukit Timah and the way he just drove by made me sad and I think that was it precisely this no-contact thing doesn't work for me anymore and I'm not sure it ever worked to begin with in fact I don't know why I thought I'd be better because it only made me the more miserable and I got bitten by a huge black bug at the bus stop and it hurt like fucking mad a numb throbbing pain and when physical pain doesn't come close to emotional pain such that you forget that your knee is supposed to hurt after being stung by that huge black bug because you're hurting a lot more inside you know that you're not handling things right.

I know that I didn't handle things right. Sometimes I surprise myself because I forget how immature I am, what low EQ I have, and how I seem to think that having a relatively okay IQ can somehow make up for low EQ. It doesn't work that way, does it? If you go on believing that it's okay to be an emotional train wreck as long as you scored (near) straight A's for the A Levels you'd go on being lopsided for the rest of your life and do you know how bloody emotionally fucked up that is?

I need closure and I need things to be okay again.

**

For the record, I don't blame him for any of it. It may have sounded like I did - and I think I did, right after it happened. For someone as neurotic and screwed up as me though, that's not exactly surprising.

But I don't blame him, not anymore, because it could've been worse so much worse. For whatever this is worth, I appreciate his honesty, the way he pulled back before something really happened, and the way he respected my physical boundaries. He's not a bastard and neither is he a jerk; he's just...Clarence.

It didn't work out and it's okay. I'm not hung up on it anymore.

And uh, yes, I think we can be friends.

(Despite how cliche that sounds.)

**

Oh shit I forgot to feed my mom's fish! Oh my god I am horrible. My folks went to my grandma's tonight and I stayed home to do my closed memo and my mom asked me to feed the fish BUT I TOTALLY FORGOT. Argh just kill me!

And last night? I actually forgot to ask Mel if she wanted a ride home. What was I thinking? I'm a horrible friend. We were at town and then we took the bus home, alighted at the same stop, and I got my dad to come and pick me up. She waited with me and when my dad arrived she started to walk home, until my dad beckoned to her to hop in.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT TOTALLY SLIPPED MY MIND TO ASK HER IF SHE WANTED A RIDE. I AM A BAD, BAD, BAD FRIEND EBCAUSE I KNOW SHE'D DEFINITELY ASK ME IF THE SITUATION WAS REVERSED.

Sigh. Time I start behaving like a decent human being.

**

Time to attack that stupid and cumbersome re-write.

before sunrise // before sunset


Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010