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post mortem.
written: 9:48 p.m. on Sunday, Sept. 18, 2005

I came home a while ago from Quidam which I didn't enjoy fully because the air-con made my right eye extremely dry and half the time I was pulling on my eyelid and blinking rapidly in mostly-failed attempts to make it feel more comfortable. Also, there was this huge Indian girl sitting in front of me and she blocked my view 50% of the time; thankfully my mom and I moved to the empty rows to our right which gave us a clearer view of the stage. I'm currently having a headache but I loved the music because it was loud, melancholic, strangely and frightfully haunting, with a dash of macabre sadness thrown into the mix. I wasn't entirely captivated by the performances, some parts bored me, but the opening act was breath-taking (this Canadian acrobat on a gigantic wheel), as was that diabolos act. I didn't follow half of what the clowns were doing and there was this annoying guy sitting behind us who guffawed so damn loudly even though there was really nothing that funny to laugh at. Oh, and people were still strolling in fifteen minutes after the show had started, which was distracting to say the least and I swear there should be a rule imposed that bars late-comers from entering a performance because I didn't pay good money to be distracted by inconsiderate Singaporeans.

Singaporeans are annoying and I should probably curb my negative comments about this place just in case.

Just in case.

My eyes are hurting, I can't see clearly, I can't think clearly.

I think of my closed memo and I feel like killing myself. I was up till about 3-something a.m. under the pretext of working on the re-write but I ended up reading MitRu fics on fanfiction.net instead. I tried doing it before Quidam this afternoon and still didn't manage to complete it.

I am officially tired of school and I am this close to dropping out.

I talked to Clarence last night (this morning, 12.30 a.m.) and it's all good.

I want to grow up and yet I don't. I'm amazed by how quickly I accepted it, how I put aside my own neurosis to see things with 20/20 glasses (note the irony) and how it finally became so clear, also awestruck by how the negativity that honestly seemed to consume me only a few days ago don't make an ounce of sense anymore. I don't remember why I was so upset.

I am inexplicable, even to myself - especially to myself. You'd think that I'd understand my own actions better than others but I don't, I really don't, so when he said he was puzzled about why I said that I hated him all I could say was "it was a knee-jerk reaction".

Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. I don't know, and frankly, it doesn't matter anymore. I knew that it wouldn't have worked out and wasn't going to work out for a very long time; I just didn't want to accept it because...I fell pretty hard for him? I wanted a boyfriend and I didn't care who it was? He's attractive and easy on the eyes? He's the first person to pay attention to me in quite a long time?

None of the above, all of the above, either or it doesn't matter anymore. I wanted instant gratification and he was looking at the long-term. I guess that's where we'd always differ, and it's okay, and soon enough I'd stop missing him.

It feels good to finally let go and to get my old self back.

Welcome back, Self. It's certainly been a while.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010