i'm tripwires for you to find.
written: 3:59 a.m. on Sunday, Sept. 25, 2005

Random thoughts:

1. (This is almost a pre-requisite already) I hate my life;

2. My new laptop is in Chinese and I don't know why, i.e. when I visit blogspot blogs and click on 'add a comment' the instructions are in Chinese, my NUS email is in Chinese, even Google is Chinese by default, and I told Rui about this over MSN and all she had to offer me was "AHAHAHAHA" or something similar along those lines;

3. I have not done my Contract essay and I have no idea how to do it for I have not even read my cases and I still maintain that I hate Contract;

4. Then again, let's be more succinct and change that to "I hate Law school";

5. I hate having a handphone and I definitely hate SMS and I think I will always hate SMS and people who genuinely believe that SMS is an apt surrogate for a phone call;

6. Right now, I fucking hate men except for my dad and my brother and a few of my male friends;

7. I wish I were lesbian;

8. I think prostituting your mind is a graver insult and desecration of one's worth than prostituting your body;

9. So why is it that I continue doing the former by selling out to the rat race-esque corporate world (i.e. this Law school thing) instead of salvaging whatever little of my former self I have left by dropping out of school and earning money by going into prostitution?;

10. Oh wait, I know why - it's because I'd be the poorest prostitute ever to graze (grace graze haha what an unclever pun) the history of mankind because I am ugly and undesirable and no men would want to fuck me;

11. And even if they wanted to fuck me they'd probably be fat and ugly and disgusting and old - like, ew, and everything, what a major, permanent turn-off;

12. And I actually don't like referring to sex as fucking but hey it's late/early and so I have the perfect excuse to not make sense;

13. At Marina Square Rui and I came across this boutique that had a sub-name store beneath its main name store and it read "Intelligence Look" though I'm not sure what the second word is but it's definitely a noun, and I was like, "Um, a noun followed by a noun?" and Rui was like, "Yeah I was thinking the same thing!" and we burst out laughing and it was fun;

14. I'm on my new laptop and my MSN emoticons are in the old one and so Rui sent me emoticons over MSN;

15. I like MSN emoticons, especially that for which you enter the shortcut key '-jumptu';

16. Whenever I pass by old-school shophouses I'd either think of the first boyfriend or fantasise about having a torrid love affair with a hot foreign worker and we'd rendezvous in his old-school shophouse living quarters and I have this thing for old-school shophouses because I think they look quaint and rustic and gritty and real and I fantasise about being in one with a hot foreign worker for the whole day not talking because he doesn't speak English and doesn't speak Chinese and just being there while time stops outside like it's the most obvious, simplest thing in the world;

17. I can't decide if I want a boyfriend or a guy with average intelligence and either an income or rich parents as a fling who's willing to spend on me because I'm too damn broke to afford my own would-be purchases;

18. Right now though I probably want the latter and you know what he doesn't even have to look good because that's how much I don't give a damn;

19. And that's how much I still want to hurt someone just to prove a point;

20. And when I start using Khai's words it means that she's amazing and I love her;

21. Random Thought Number 21 and I Still Hate My Life and it's 4.14 a.m. and I think of attempting to do the Contract essay and I just wanna fucking die;

22. I told my mom that I was sad and frustrated and that I wanted to die;

23. I can't remember what she said in reply to that;

24. I showered at 2 a.m. this morning;

25. I had instant noodles followed by half a carton of SupaShake chocolate and honey comb and now my stomach feels extremely messed up;

26. I don't actually want to die, I just wish I were never born;

27. I'd never have kids because I am not cruel enough to put them through the eternal agony calculatingly cleverly and shrewdly disguised as life;

28. Someone should just slap me really hard across the face the next time I fall for someone who isn't remotely good enough;

29. Of course I hope there won't be a next time but hey just in case for you'd never know when my inherent but mostly-latent most of the time stupidity decides to strike again;

30. Why is it that I only get inspired to write at night when I'm not assured of having Internet connection and not anytime before 11 p.m. when I can turn on the cable modem in my parents' room?;

31. I'm bumming off a random wireless network right now, Signal Strength Low;

32. My laptop lags a lot and Internet Explorer always threatens to not respond and I don't know why and I think I prefer the old one;

33. The keys are hard to type too, literally;

34. I still want to date a player just to see who gets played first, and it'd be nothing but a game and I'd definitely want to win - just to prove a point;

35. And I'm not the clubbing/pubbing/alcohol/techno/willingness to put up with ugly perverted guys all aiming to grab a piece of you type but lately - then again, if I don't write this thought down I can pretend I never conceived it and so I can pretend I am not completely off the deep end;

36. But then again I think I am off the deep end because I said so;

37. I realise that I never got round to learning Japanese and it's so sad how I never enact what I say I want to do and how the things that I want to do are fleeting bouts of fancy at best and and I'm thinking I'm just a hollow shell a skeleton Mediocrity Personified and mediocrity is death so I think this means I'm actually dead inside;

38. Because if you don't have a passion for anything you're not genuinely alive and if you're not genuinely alive it follows that you're genuinely dead;

39. Dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead; and

40. I end this list at 40 because that's how old I'd be when I take matters into my own hands, take my destiny into my own control and kill myself because I don't want to grow old and since I won't be immortalised like James Dean, might as well die while you're not-that-old and still relatively good-looking (assuming that ceteris paribus conditions hold and I never get into freak accidents where I become disfigured or things along those lines) and I'm saying this without the slightest trace of irony and I should be scared but I'm really not, and I'm hoping it's merely because it's now 4.26 a.m. and even though I did sleep on Bus 171 on my way back from Bugis I'm still very sleepy and when you're sleepy you tend to feel less but all the same, I think I'd do it anyway.

Owari, thank you and good night.

title of entry taken from j. englishman's 'tripwires'

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010