pick yourself up.
written: 6:49 p.m. on Monday, Sept. 26, 2005
I've found out that the best way to forget shitty matters is to throw yourself into more important things, like school work, for instance. And yet, whenever I'm about to take that step forward and leap off the cliff, something pulls me back. And it's an innate force, you know; a perpetual, lethargic ennui that has taken root even before I was born, and it's that and my neurosis and how I'm adversely ruled by negativity.
I realised today how fucking badly I'm screwing up my life. Reality checks in the form of: 1) LAWR tutorial, research training thingamajig, during which I comprehended nothing; 2) LAWR tutor's pep talk about exams and a side comment about writing more complex issues for people who are gearing towards the A's and I thought, I used to be one of those people; and 3) at the study benches with Ruishan and a few others, how they knew their cases and when someone asked me about a case or other all I could say was, I have absolutely no idea.
Because I really have absolutely no idea and I wish I could ace the torts test but she who does not study will not ace a test. Like, duh, and all, you know? And I'm flounderng here, absolutely falling apart, my skin is falling off and I feel like I'm disintegrating and evaportaing and this is not me, this is not the person that took on the A Levels with arrogance, self-confidence and an obdurate belief in nothing else but her own strength; this is...I don't know, who the fuck are you, trespasser inhabiting my body? You're weak and confused and plagued with feelings of inadequacy; you're using that as a very bad excuse not to study; and the most unforgivable crime? You're not fighting for what you want. I never knew you could be so defeated, resigned to your circumstances, annihilated to such an extent, and to be quite honest it's totally humiliating and embarrassing. In fact, it's more humiliating than embarrassing and please tell me something: what the hell are you doing?
I suspect that I'm one of those people who thrive under no-competition conditions, i.e. JJC. But god, that's a bad excuse too. I have to stop making excuses for my laziness and my immense lack of effort in all the assignments and readings that I do. This is not me, it can't be me, for I refuse to face up to that.
On the bright side, I think there's still some fight in me left. It's never too late. Right?
**
Saw this GORGEOUS ang moh guy coming out of the Law library today. He wears glasses and looks so damn intellectual and cute. I was swooning immediately after that.
Maybe I'll start going to the library more often now. Ha, ha, ha.
**
I'm so hungry.
**
Edited to add:
Met a friend of Khai's after Torts lecture and hung out at the Central Forum with the two of them. I asked Khai about Lunarin's gig on Wednesday, her friend made a joke about how they're "a bunch of lawyers"; was that why I liked them? He went on to say something along the lines of their songs kind of sound similar, just like Tool and A Perfect Circle.
I said, "Yeah I know what you mean. I like A Perfect Circle by the way."
A brief discourse ensued on APC's various albums. He said that he liked Judith, which happened to be the song that got me into APC's first album in the first place. I asked if their subsequent albums are any good; he said that he still likes the first one the most.
Then, he asked, "When did you start listening to them?"
"Sometime in secondary school," I replied.
And he said, a tinge of admiration to his voice, "That's cool, man."
Oh yeah it's freakin' cool. Thank you and good night.
before sunrise // before sunset
Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010