hold on, dream away.
written: 9:49 p.m. on Sunday, Oct. 02, 2005

I'm downloading Alias - The Complete Season 4, all 7.50 GB of it, and it's taking forever and it will take forever. I watched Veronica Mars and it was good but not as good as I'd expected it to be, and the big mystery doesn't seem that big, but it ended with a kind of cliffhanger so I'm hoping there'd be more than what was presented in that episode. And the whole Logan/Duncan/Veronica triangle...seems a bit soap opera-ish. And that shit about Logan sleeping with Charisma Carpenter who's his friends' stepmother is soooooo The OC-ish and I love Veronica Mars precisely because it's not The OC, the latter being utter trash and nothing more.

So why do I watch trash, I hear you ask? Because it's entertaining, period. But 'entertainment' has slight negative connotations to the pompous high-brow elements of a society (which may or may not include me) so I wouldn't take that as a compliment if I were the show's producers.

I watched 2046 and it wasn't as good as I'd thought it would be; it was even a bit pretentious. I liked the whole train sequences involving Takuya Kimura and Faye Wong as a robot, even liked the way Tony Leung's character sort of fell for Faye Wong's character, some odd bits here and there, but. The cigarette-smoke-spiralling-slowly-upwards-into-the-air scenes were quite overdone, and Chapters 10 and 11 of the DVD were either extraneous or misplaced. After the whole Faye Wong getting married to her Japanese boyfriend thing I thought the film was going to end, and it should've ended there if you ask me, but Zhang Ziyi came back and became even more pathetic, and I'm just wondering how can a woman like her allow herself to be treated that way? She's beautiful and he's a complete asshole, a jerk, a scumbag, he who does not deserve to live, she can have any man she wants and yet she pines after him...and why? Because the sex is good? I didn't get it, probably would never get it, and I prefer In the Mood for Love and Chungking Express, especially the latter.

My dad sat down to watch it just as Zhang Ziyi was going down on Tony Leung. That was definitely Awkward.

Zhang Ziyi is so beautiful and I wanna be her.

I watched Corpse Bride with Ruishan yesterday. It was fun. We went shopping again and I bought a huge sling bag from one of the shops in Far East Plaza and she bought a waist pouch. Yay! We were talking about buying an identical shirt/skirt/whatever and wearing it to school on the same day and I'm not sure if we're serious but that sounds really fun, i.e. stupid but hilarious and thus, fun.

In any case, Mel and I have the same squirrel shirt we got from Zara during some sale and we wore the same shirt out once so that was cool.

The movie wasn't as good as I'd expected it to be (I'm kind of recognising a trend here) and the end was so sad and I almost cried and it re-affirmed my suspicious notion that all men are idiots who can't keep their fucking promises and who can't make up their retarded minds about what they want and no you should never use another female as a replacement for someone else, even if that female is dead and you should never toy with their feelings and misrepresent yourself. I mean for fuck's sake after living in this screwed up world for song long you'd think they'd kind of have an idea of what to do and what not to do, but no. I can't stand how guy guys are, that oblivious insensitivity and hurtful nonchalance. Fuck it to hell.

Hmm, I was talking about Corpse Bride. Um, yes, the music was good, the animation was funny, and um, Johnny Depp's voice is hot. Victoria looked more like a corpse than Emily though, and Emily was the corpse. And, I was wondering why the dead people had blue skin until the obvious suddenly struck me.

Ha, ha, hardy ha.

Ruishan did not update her blog. Boo.

I'd like to add as an aside how ridiculous it is that my upload speed is double digit while my download speed is pathetically stuck at single. Oh hell.

So anyway I had dinner with Simon today at NYDC Suntec and I loved the earl grey elephanccino for it tasted yummy. I had a sudden craving for chai-esque tea (like Starbucks's Tazo Chai whatever frapp and The Tea Party's Kashmiri Chai whatever latte, specially iced for me at my request 'cause the guy is so nice and I definitely like the latter better than the former because the chai taste is much stronger and it's yummy) but since the only tea NYDC had was earl grey I went with that. I love the parmesan mushroom for it's yummy. I blew 20 bucks on dinner and was super bloated after that, tummy bulging and all. Simon kept telling me to do something with my life, like something different, go exercise or get closer to nature or whatever instead of shopping all the time but shopping is exercise and it is nature to me.

BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY AND THAT MAKES ME SAD. I need a boyfriend with an unbridled willingness to spend on me and a job.

I realised today that Simon and I are on quite different wavelengths. He's all optimistic and happy-go-lucky and he's probably one of those people who can get dumped and still act like everything's normal and okay and get on with their daily routines; while I? I'm pessimistic, I'm surly, I dwell on negative emotions, I bear grudges, I forget and never forgive, sometimes I don't even try to forgive. The best way to deal with people that hurt you? Tell yourself that you don't give a damn and maybe it'd really come true.

Right. Dysfunctionality has never been more glaring and obvious. He told me that this classmate of ours hates NS and dreads going back every week, and Simon told him to take it as a challenge; get through the five days and use the weekend as a reward. And Simon said that the classmate told him that he envies how he can have such a positive outlook on things like that - and I totally agree with the classmate. I do envy people like that, how they're not tainted by cynicism, how their world seems perpetually bright and cheerful. I find faults with almost everything in my life - my environment, my education, myself. And it gets tiring, it really does, there are demons to vanquish but I push them into the closet and lock the door and they become skeletons that never decompose.

Because I still lose my apetite on the sporadic occasions that I do think about you; I still feel negativity scratching at my insides when I go to places that remind me of you (and I don't have to even get out of my room for that); and I still have involuntary dreams about you, the most recent one tinged with such a strong feeling of betrayal that I wish I'd done in real life what I did in the dream. And it still bugs me that you don't read this, that you never apologised, that you thought I was being unreasonable when I don't think it was ever my fault that I (unfortunately) liked you. And I haven't ceased to wonder how you can read those entries and have nothing to say, how absolutely guy you are and how much that can hurt. And I really tried to understand, I really did, and I think for a moment I did understand, and I think, too, that I still do; but the enormity of how you didn't even bother to do the same for me, understand where I'm coming from, simply washes away any consensus we may or may not have reached over the phone three weeks ago.

It's easy not to think about something when you have other preoccupations, but when such matters become less urgent you end up unfocussed once more. My SMS memory is perpetually full and I hate deleting SMSes from my friends just to clear up memory space; but I don't even want to look at my SMS inbox, or that CD buried beneath the pile of papers and other CD covers on my table.

Sigh. Give me a hot guy who speaks good English now.

I feel like watching Gilmore Girls tonight but I know I should finish up on my Torts reading and I also know that most likely than not I won't be doing the latter.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010