in reality we're breaking down.
written: 12:00 a.m. on Tuesday, Oct. 04, 2005
BUT because I am me I think I'd always be too lazy to do any of those things. I want money though, I really do. I don't have anything to wear and I want new books, and I also want a few DVDs and I want a digital camera.
But then again the thing I want most in the world cannot be exchanged for with cash.
I want a real talent, one that trumps everything else and makes me feel good about myself. Most of the time, with all my pretentious claims to literary awareness, I'm just a poseur where it truly counts.
I just...sigh.
**
I have no idea what's going on for Contract and I have tutorial on Wednesday on terms of a contract or something like that and on the week that the lectuers for that topic was conducted I totally spaced 'cause I had other seemingly-important and consuming but actually trivial issues on my mind and I hate how I let my emotions block out everything else and now I'm just dreading having to do the tutorial and going for tutorial and letting the second tutorial 14 September in which I said not a single word or made even the slightest sound repeat itself.
I told Simon that I space out during SLS lectures because they're really discussions and I don't want to say anything and he was surprised. He said, "I thought you're quite daring?"
And that just made me extremely upset. I started to say, "I'm different now", and then I realised, "Wait a minute, I'm actually the same." I'm the person I was back in secondary school and junior college put me in a transient place where I could actually assert myself and speak up and tell other people indirectly that their opinions were stupid, and that was such a nice wonderful place to be in, being unafraid of saying things and voicing your opinions and drawing attention to yourself, but it was an interim period and that's all it was, goodbye to you.
I'm back at square one and it's almost as if junior college never took place, I was never on the brink of a personality change, I never once took that one step out and away from my shell. What is it that holds me back? If it's an inferiority complex then I NEED TO GET MY FUCKING BRAINS CHECKED and more importantly I NEED A COMPLETE PERSONALITY OVERHAUL.
I really have to talk to this particular person who'd listen and give me useful advice. I'm disintegrating, unravelling like fuck at the seams, I don't know what I'm doing, where I'm going, what I'm living for, why I keep screwing up my life and thinking it's funny and making crude jokes out of it. What is wrong with me? Am I the same person who once proclaimed that she didn't get into law school just to fuck everything up?
And because it's Tuesday morning and there is SLS later on and SLS lectures are conducted as "Socratic discussions" I'm sitting here thinking boy do I need to stop writing this rubbish shit and start reading my stuff and Okay self you have to say something in lecture tomorrow and please for the love of your pride make it intelligent and what I REALLY want to do? Read Chuck Palahniuk's "Invisible Monsters".
Joy and happiness and laughter and all things warm and bright.
I really wish I were in Arts.
But then again I don't. I'm half there, half here, if I were there I'd wish I'm here, and since I'm here I'm wishing that I were there.
She who is eternally dissatisfied and undecided shall not be happy.
Ever.
Whatever 'happiness' is.
(Was tempted to go off about the idea of happiness as explored by Julian Barnes in "England, England", but on second thoughts, SLS really beckons right now).
**
As a parting shot, I'd like to say that I love earl grey tea.
before sunrise // before sunset
Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010