spell 'pointless'.
written: 10:46 p.m. on Thursday, Oct. 20, 2005

I should be doing my Torts tutorial now. I should be reading my SLS thingy on I-don't-know-what. But I can't call it a day without writing something random and bad here so school will have to wait.

I have a thing for men who speak impeccable English. Seriously, the minute a man speaks flawless, pitch-perfect English I'd find myself swooning, even if he isn't exactly good-looking or the type that I'd usually go for. And it's so sad, because no one amongst my "peers" has that going on for them, and I don't know if it's just Singapore or just them, or maybe it's just me. I don't know, like I said. This is a ripe season for not knowing anything.

Still reading Man Crazy and hell, am I slow reader or what. I realised that it took me about three weeks to finish Invisible Monsters, which is a total travesty because Chuck Palahniuk writes bite-sized prose that you can digest the minute your eyes roam over his words.

I'm still quite worried about the interview on Monday and despite what Mrs Razal said about not giving a scripted, prepared answer, I can't help rehearsing my answers in my head anyway. I can go on and on in writing about why I love the books that I love but if you spring a question along these lines to me on the spot I'd probably forget 90% of the content of a book, let alone its meaning and subtext. Honestly, I'm terrible with impromptu presentations and whatnot, and just presentations, period. Today in LAWR we had to present our research findings and well, me being me I didn't do anything important or relevant, simply googled 'loss of reputation', found some Q&A thing in a Canadian website, copied and pasted that onto a Word document and "presented" that shit in class today. And I only presented it 'cause I had to, or I would've been the only person in class who didn't present anything.

Yes, that sounds so fucking secondary school-ish and I hope you're finally understanding why I hate it so much.

Anyway, it was clear that I didn't have the slightest iota of a clue as to what I was saying, and neither did the class. It took me a few seconds to desperately snatch a word from thin air to describe a court's judgment and I think I got it wrong but I can't remember what I said anyway. Oh and I was all hot and everything, and I turn red easily without me even knowing, and usually when I feel hot I'm not actually red and when I'm actually red I don't feel hot and you know what, I don't know what I'm saying.

We have an oral presentation coming up and I can already feel myself being fucked senseless from behind.

Please do try to erase that disagreeable mental image from your mind.

And the mooting thing next term? Oh god, just kill me.

99% of the time I'm stoning in LAWR classes. Everyone else diligently do their research and deliver serious presentations while I? I just do it for the sake of doing it. I'm doing everything for the sake of doing it.

And even though I feel myself slipping again I'm going to remember what I wrote yesterday about kicking ass instead of getting my ass kicked.

But at times I do wish I could get a clean slate of sorts and start over. I'd do things so differently! First off, I wouldn't opt for this thing anymore; second, I'd fly off and get the hell out of here, and it's so depressing, what actually transpired and has become my "future". When I was 16 the only thing I wanted was to go to college overseas; I never wanted NUS, let alone Law, and I wanted New York University and doing something related to writing or Lit or whatever; hell I might even have done journalism and everyone knows I hate the mere notion of journalism (this is largely influenced by the sorry state of pseudo-journalism in this country though). If I'd taken favourably to journalism I would've applied to NTU Mass Comm, but I didn't even bother to do that.

So I'm no longer 16 and when I was 16 I thought I'd be in New York sucking the marrow out of life by now; but I'm sorry, 16-year-old self, for dashing your hopes and dreams and whatever, for we're still kinda stuck in this country and I don't think we're going anywhere anytime soon. It's tragic how things turn out sometimes, how you always end up settling for less anyway even though you tell yourself never to do that, never fall below the apex of your expectations and always go the furthest you possibly can.

I could've gone further than this. I chose not do. I don't know why.

Being perfectly honest here? I'm so tired of my surroundings, the people I rub shoulders with every day, the things that I do. It's never changed, you know, not even for a second. Secondary school it was like this and now it's like this again. JC was a nice break from the same mundane shit, the elite school shit that I hated and now I finally remember why I hated it so much. It's all the same, it's so banal, show me one interesting person and I will shut my mouth, but until then I will keep bitching. You hang out in cliques, you go clubbing and get plastered, you use the same slangs and make the same linguistic mistakes, you dress the same way, oh just give it a rest.

I just realised that I'm turning 20 next year and that I haven't really done anything worth mentioning with my life. That is scary to say the least.

I'm going to hook up with someone before the year ends. I don't know how I'd do it, but I will do it, and I don't care how long it lasts; I just wanna do something instead of sitting here at my desk clanking away at my laptop writing about unimportant, preposterously insignificant non-issues that no one really cares about, myself included. Let's see if I can find a nice, hot intellectual guy with an impeccable taste in books (forget music and movies; books is the number one way straight into my heart or whatever you wanna call that organ that delivers blood to the whole body yadayada I'm not good at Science) and an astonishing command of English.

Ha ha ha if it isn't obvious by now I'm putting off the work because I really don't feel like doing it. I was reading my SLS, some stuff on insolvency and I don't know what that means, and I was reading it in the living room as I had to listen for the pizza delivery guy (doorbell is broken and it is perpetually broken) and so I was lounging on the couch and after two pages I found the handout constantly eluding my grip and a few minutes later I fell asleep.

It's boring. People who can't write should not have things published. It's a travesty, it's a disaster, it's an absolute MIND BOGGLE.

Is that correct? Mind-boggling is an adjective so by logical extension the noun form is mind boggle. Ha ha ha.

I'm so tempted to continue reading Man Crazy as it's just getting very exciting but I will be good and do my work.

To be honest, I'm tired of being single. And you know what else? I've never dated or gone out on a date. It was always with someone you knew was going to be a boyfriend or...well, I don't know what that other thing can possibly be described as. Maybe it was dating, I don't know. But I don't do the casual date thing, going out with someone you don't know to know the person better. And it's so sad, I feel like an 80-year-old spinster with no one but cats for company and I'm really more of a dogs person, you know?

Am I cold or scary? I've been told that I'm cold. Like people tend to think that if they don't know me and okay I admit I do that on purpose sometimes and I definitely don't go out of my way being friendly to everyone; most of the time I don't have anything to say anyway. I mean, if you talk to me I'll answer and perhaps engage in a conversation with you but I won't take the initiative to talk to people. Maybe it's a pride thing; I'm too proud for it, however that works. Or maybe I'm insecure and convinced that whatever I say will be of no interest to the other party (which is usually the case and vice versa).

This sounds stupid and pretentious but I think I'm a bit of a misanthrope.

I'm a lot of a misanthrope.

That was extremely ungrammatical.

I'm a misanthrope.

There you go.

I like Logan on Gilmore Girls by the way. He's cute.

I still prefer Logan Echolls on Veronica Mars though, hands-down, no doubt.

Oh and I think Jared P-something who plays Dean on Gilmore Girls is extremely yummy. He's sooooo good-looking, to-die-for dimples and all. Guys with dimples are so sexy.

Okay, this is getting more and more pointless. Must do work.

Must.

Do.

Work.

Cannot.

Read.

Novel.

NO!

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010