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a predatory disappointment.
written: 10:48 p.m. on Saturday, Oct. 22, 2005

I screwed up the written test and I was kind of okay about it until I came home where my mom had a go at me about going out with Simon and she just had to bring up someone I've spent so hard trying to forget and how the fuck is my friendship with Simon even remotely like that other mess? Seriously Mom, just shut up and stop mentioning it and I can't believe you're the only person who dares to do it when you're the only person whom I cried to and I'm just so disappointed in you. How tactless, how insensitive, how can you hold it against me for not wanting to say anything to you anymore after what you said in the living room? You remind me of all that is wrong with my life as if you're asking me about the weather and you don't even know, you have absolutely no idea, I can't even put into words that you'd understand how much I don't want to be reminded.

I just want to die right now. The paper was so much easier than what I got for Paper 8 last year and I couldn't write anything decent to save myself, mediocrity flowed from the nib of my pen and I knew what to say and I didn't know what to write and I hate how I single-handedly blew it right out of the water and how I screwed up the only chance I had of getting out of this country and doing what I love but how can I even profess to love something I'm so bad at? A poem by William Wordsworth, one that Azrul did and I even read his essay last night, and another by W. H. Auden and I was supposed to do a comparison but I had no idea how to go about doing it, I forgot everything, I wrote two and a half pages and I've never written that little and I couldn't get into it at all no matter how hard I tried and forced myself to keep writing but the shit that I wrote, it was so bad, so disgustingly bad, it wasn't even mediore, it was bad through and through, and that essay, I couldn't even write an essay that basically asked me to write about poetry, what was I thinking when I wrote that last paragraph?

This is killing me right now.

Everything is wrong.

I just want to forget.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010