love that passed me by.
written: 1:55 a.m. on Friday, Oct. 28, 2005

After what happened to me this year, the whole "oh boo I'm like so like unwanted like" thing (note to reader: self-mockery takes the sting off many unpleasant things), I had half a mind to text him something along the lines of, "I know this seems weird but I just want to say that I'm sorry for all the shit I did to you."

I never apologised, too; and it's only until you get a taste of your own medicine that you realise how bitter and vile it tastes and feels to be the one that is sick. And I thought, maybe I should do something because I really am sorry now; eventually though, I didn't do it.

I don't know why and this seems to be the common thread that's been running through the past couple of years of my life. I don't know why I did the things that I did, why I cut him off the way that I did, all the hateful words I wrote, I don't know what was wrong with me.

I suppose it boils down to this: I'm not girlfriend material.

In fact, I've never been girlfriend material.

Oh wait, let's take it a step further: I either messed up or was messed up and in all circumstances the emotional aspect of a "relationship" was too much for me to take, and I think it is still too much for me to take. The whole commitment thing, long term, what about the future. Well, I say to hell with the future because I don't really care; because I want you and I want you now and that's the only thing that matters to me; because I don't think, I just act, the consequences be damned; and because I'm incapable of loving another person the same way I love myself.

It sounds terribly cliche, but it's true. My perfect mate would probably be a male version of me, because I like myself so much that I take pride in my dysfunctionality (that is, like, soooo alternative) and want it mirrored in the guy I may or may not get serious with. I mean, you know, all that talk about demons and whatever. I don't want someone normal; I want someone fucked up and messed up, someone different, and at the same time I don't buy into the whole pretend-goth, the "oh look I'm like, goth, like how cool is that?" thing either, the rock-is-like-so-blink-182-cool shit, mainstream masquerading as alternative, I can see right through poseurs and poseurs do nothing for me, except make me laugh, and we can't have that, can we?

Normal is boring. Boring gets incredibly dull after a while.

Nobody wants that kind of sky-high expectation from a normal girlfriend, right?

So I don't know, I don't really have a point. I just wanted to write because I don't feel like doing Torts and reading SLS and I'm trying to deplete my laptop battery so that I can healthily charge it.

And I think what happened this year? That was largely an anomaly, plus the fact that I was recovering from a long crush on someone whom I liked too much to want (because he was so awesome and he still is awesome), plus the fact that nobody except nerds and fugly guys get the urge to hit on me, after a while you get desperate and your desperation clouds your judgement and voila, disaster.

And the other day I was at Tiong Bahru with my mom.

Tiong Bahru. Tiong Bahru. The last time I was at Tiong Bahru was December 12, 2002. And it looked so familiar, and I thought I could still remember where he lived, and I also thought I recognised the streets we used to stroll down, hand-in-hand; most likely, it was all in my head, for HDB flats in Singapore all look the same anyway.

For a moment there I genuinely felt nostalgia.

He is still my best-kept secret, after all these years. I've always had the story in which I fell in love with a stranger.

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

The way your subsequent relationships are never quite as exciting and exhilarating and passionate and crazy and wild and a huge emotional rollercoaster ride as your first; or maybe it's just me. I don't know. I felt that rather distinctively and even intuitively this year, the way I did not smile stupidly to myself after dates and long phone calls, only sporadically sometimes, how it was just nice and not fucking crazy oh my god, the different degrees of...I don't know, lustlikelove what's the difference?

Do we lose even more as we age? It's so sad. Have I been hardened by my cynicism?

I don't know if I'm delirious from sleepiness; but whatever it is, I think I'd give almost anything to go back to 2002 and relive that entire period, shameful and indecent (well, according to the general populace and the average person anyway) acts and all. It won't ever be like that again, you know? All the guys I met after that never did it for me the way he did it for me: lust in the guise of maybe-love, the sneaking to meet him after school, it was so stupid and so wrong and it was so right all the same.

The only thing - and it was a huge thing - that was missing was the intellectual connection. Otherwise, I think it was pretty perfect, for a fling that wouldn't have lasted ten seconds of 'forever'.

Well, now at least I know the ex boyfriend I started this entry with didn't sign my birthday card thingy last year. There was this message left without a name, just a simple "happy birthday!", and the handwriting looked like his and I just assumed it was him, like, "This HAS to be his handwriting." Duh. I was stupid, still am stupid, will always be stupid. I suppose this is going to come off rather self-important-esque but all the same, I'm glad he eventually ceased to care. I really messed things up, I was so immature and emotionally retarded, still am actually and I doubt anything can change that.

Pride always get in the way of things that a reasonable human being would have no qualms about doing.

I have this urge to bitch about how tactless and bitchy this guy in my class is but nevermind about that.

I think I'll stop typing before I embarrass myself even further.

PS. There was an entry written before this one.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010