i'm a bit calmer now, and more rational.
written: 9:38 p.m. on Friday, Oct. 28, 2005

I decided to stop my One Tree Hill Season One download as it stopped at 13.7% and my brother nosily LimeWired the show for me and began downloading whatever episodes he could find, and most importantly, there are zero seeders for the file. I stupidly chose "remove task and all downloaded files", thinking that I could keep my downloaded files; but no. Someone should tell BitComet that their English is ambiguous, for what does "remove downloaded files" mean? Does it mean "remove from the programme" or "remove permanently", i.e. delete?

OKAY, so I'm just stupid, and so I just deleted 1.05GB's worth of video that I spent over two weeks painstakingly downloading! So annoying.

I found out that one of the tracks on Jielun's new album is called Romantic Handphone (directly translated from Lang Man Shou Ji).

I don't know whether to laugh or to cry.

I don't remember if I mentioned the duet with Lara from Nan Quan Mama whom I can't stand but anyway, that song received a good review in the local papers so I'm trying to be hopeful.

It's not just my personal dislike for Lara (she's so annoying and her vocals are so squeaky like what the hell is wrong with you!); it's the fact that he's never put a duet on his albums before. When he had some kid girl rapping on one of his tracks in his fourth album (Coward, it was) I already thought it was kinda odd; even for backing vocals it's all Jielun and nobody else.

And now he has A DUET. With LARA FROM NQMM AND HER ANNOYING VOCALS.

Sigh.

Above all else? I can't believe I'd be liking a song with a title as retarded and preposterous as Romantic Handphone. I can already see Panasonic raking in millions of dollars and laughing all the way to the bank.

Whatever.

Having said all that, because I am a sucker, I'm still eagerly awaiting next Tuesday when I can finally collect my CD. The poster is so huge and he looks so yummy but as expected and just like I guessed, the earring is fake.

Guys with pierced ears are infinitely hot. Yum yum.

**

In all honesty, I'm convinced and I genuinely believe that I'm in the wrong course. Maybe I can come back to this a few years later and do it properly; but right now, I don't want to do it at all. I can't, my heart is not in it, my mind is always somewhere else, I need to do what I want to do and this isn't it.

If That Unattainable University Whose Name I Dare Not Speak doesn't come through for me, I don't know how I'm gonna go back to NUS and continue pretending like I'm not breaking apart beneath the surface. I can't apply to any other UK universities anymore; I've already sent out my stupid UCAS application with the stupid application fee, and honestly? There's nowhere else I want to go, only That Unattainable University Whose Name I Dare Not Speak.

I expressed some probably misplaced sympathy for Saddamn Hussein today (but this is nothing new) and they were like, "You're too merciful. You can't be a lawyer."

Assuming I go through with this course and do the necessary things to uh, I don't, become a lawyer (I hate the word "become"; it's so naive, like, oh I'm becoming a writer, or I'm becoming a businessman, when really, you don't become an occupation, and the way they say it, it's like it happens overnight but that's not how it works; you either are or you are not, binomial distribution, and that's the end of it), I'd be the one not making the big bucks, driven by compassion for those marginalised by society, really stupid things that don't get you money, and passing up on big cases that pitch a poor employee against a huge corporation, just like my LAWR research binder fact pattern - we're defending the company and basically, I don't agree with what we're doing. Not that it matters anyway, because I basically don't give a shit either way and just wanna get it done and over with; I'm just saying.

Sigh.

Einstein, I need my time machine. I just need to go back a month and correct my UCAS form, that's all. Is that too freaking much to ask? I don't think so.

**

I hate eating sour apples. I'd choose sour mangoes over sour apples anytime, anyday. My mom has this weird thing about making us eat fruits everyday and I only get away with not eating when I reach home late ("late" in this household means anytime after 10 p.m. and before 12 midnight - bleah, I don't have a life).

So now I'm currently forcing myself to force down two slices of extremely sour apple and trust me when I say it's absolutely no picnic.

**

So yeah I'm still fucked as ever and my mom gave me a lecture in the car this evening on the way home and I'm quite impressed by how she doesn't really get it.

I mean, I know as well as the average person on the street that this Law thing is going to ensure a rather secure roof over my head, that not pursuing an English Lit degree doesn't mean giving it up forever, yadayada, things that are entirely off the point.

I guess what bugs me most is how I end up not fulfilling the promises I made to myself when I was in secondary school, dreaming about the future, painting it in such lovely pastel colours that I couldn't wait to live in that world.

Now that I'm here and now that I see so plainly that the image of the then-future which is the now-now that I conjured up back then is nothing more than this, and it bugs me, too, that I'm still in Singapore when I've always wanted to get away. I don't want NYU anymore; it's really not worth it (why pay US$45,000 a year for less-than-quality education? How stupid) but it's the concept of NYU that has eventually eluded capture which bugs me.

On second thoughts, the biggest punch in the gut is how you'd never escape reality no matter how hard you try. You used to think that you'd be happy as long as you have your words and the words you admire, but it's really not that easy, and here I am, pouring cold water all over the ambition of my 16-year-old self, and it was that idealism that got me through the hell that was secondary school. I wanted things, believed I could be different, that I could take the world by storm; and now?

Now?

Ha, ha, ha, where do I even begin. If you know the meaning of the word 'deracinated', that's me in a nutshell.

If I had multiple lives I wouldn't spend so much time whining on and on about the same topic in varied styles and superficially-different words; but the fact still remains, this is the only life I'd have (I'm still undecided regarding past lives and whatnot) and I hate how it looks like it's utterly wasted from where I'm standing.

I genuinely thought that the promise of money could sustain me.

What a fool I was.

And still am.

Yada yada yada. Blah blah blah. I should find more interesting topics to destroy.

**

The only good-looking males in Law school are the Caucasians. I saw another pretty blond-haired, blue-eyed guy today while on my way down to the lobby of the library, and because I am shy and thus stupid, I glanced at him and quickly looked away when I really wanted to keep looking.

I think know I'm a dork.

The other day in the Law lounge Khai was going a bit nutty over some hot Caucasian male sitting at the other side of the room, and it was the funniest thing ever.

I miss Khai and I miss Mel and I definitely miss Pei.

**

Rui, Jean, Mag and I bummed at one of the benches after SLS and it was nice and fun.

And I do think, too, that we should do lunch at least once a week.

Without such people, I'd never survive Law school. Can you imagine thinking murderous thoughts and feeling annoyance every single second of the day? Even for someone with as high a threshold level for negativity as me, that's just a bit too much.

I WANNA GO ON THAT MALAYSIA TRIP NOW.

**

And like, I was trying to read The Picture of Dorian Gray at the lobby while waiting for my mom, right? But then hor, everyone was talking so loudly lah and then I couldn't read lor.

It's so fun Googling Oscar Wilde during SLS lectures and reading fascinating historical tidbits about homosexuality in ancient Greece and pre-Modern Japan.

I also quite enjoy - make that dig very much - the homoerotic undertones in The Picture of Dorian Gray. I don't think it'd be anything more than subtle implications though, sadly.

I wanna read a gay novel!

I wanna watch "Eros" too! And I still have not got my hands on Wong Kar Wai's "Fallen Angels".

A shopping trip to Hong Kong is so in order.

before sunrise // before sunset


Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010