我要活得很骄傲。
written: 11:40 p.m. on Friday, Nov. 11, 2005

So I'm like, I should be finishing up on reading about the Application of English Law Act and the accompanying parliamentary debate, but I'm also like, But that's, like, kinda boring?, so now I'm here writing this and trying to force myself to put off watching the newest Veronica Mars until I have wrapped up Topic 5 of Singapore Legal System Part One.

Because I came home from Jean's and the first thing I did - after tearing open a letter from Selwyn College, Cambridge, that asked me to confirm my corresponding address and told me that the result of my application will be known sometime between Christmas and 7 Jan - was to plug in my laptop and continue downloading the latest Veronica Mars. I really want to watch it right now, but.

(The download speed suddenly shot to 60+kb/s, which is damn weird.)

I want the Veronica Mars Season 1 DVD box set. There are a couple of episodes in the discs Ed sent me that have a few kinks in them - in particular, and this is really important, the moment when Logan calls out "Mom?" to his sister's back after staking out at the lobby of a hotel tihnking that his mother is still alive. Have I ever mentioned how much Logan Echolls breaks my heart? Well, he does.

I also want the DVD set of Season 1 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I suddenly have this weird urge to watch Buffy again.

I need a digital camera.

Studying at Jean's house with Rui and Mag - and Jean, of course, duh - was a lot more fruitful tha any half-hearted attempts to study at home. At least, you know, we talked about things and they forced me to summarise Topic 5 so I had to do it or else it won't be fair for me to take their summaries and to give nothing in return. I'm also not thick-skinned enough for that, contrary to popular belief, so there you go.

The problem is, I took forever to read like the first 9 pages of the 51-page document, Mag started talking a lot of irrelevant rubbish halfway through, Rui started laughing at Mag's irrelevant rubbish, I started joining in, and so when my mom arrived at 5.30 to pick me up I still had about twenty pages left to read. Needless to say, I came home and did nothing school-related so another half-day is wasted.

Must. Do. SLS. Well. My C's are reserved for Contract and maybe Torts, and I only allow myself two C's per year.

Actually, not really, I kinda just made that up.

My brother is so like me. Not studying, half-heartedly scribbling homework, devoting his life to the computer. I screwed up my O Levels because I simply weren't interested (and I don't regret any of it), my bro looks like he's gonna screw up his O's, and my parents - especially Dad - keep stressing over his mediocre academics. One of our cousins, same age as him, in SNGS apparently had 9 points for her year-end exams or whatever; my brother proclaimed, "I have 26."

Ha, ha. I think I had 31 in Sec. 3 and I kinda passed the year directly on the dot, a 50% overall. I find that quite funny, but I think that's just me. The difference between my bro and I, however, is that he appears to be good at a certain subject but his grades don't really support that hypothesis. Even when I was failing Maths and my Sciences I could still say, "Well I consistently get A's for English, Lit and Chinese, so I'm not a total goner." My bro? He seems to work at random, tossing sporadic darts aimlessly and if one of them hits the bull's eye, yay for me; if everything else falls flat to the ground, oh well, whatever, my computer games are infinitely more interesting.

I would say, The O Levels is totally stupid - and it is, trust me - but the fact still remains that he has to go through it. And I refuse to believe that my bro cannot measure up to the SNGS cousin. How can someone as clever as me have a stupid brother, right? Genetically it doesn't make an ounce of sense, especially since my mom and dad are both university graduates and bloody brilliant in their own rights.

My dad asked the bro to do some comprehension thing, which I looked at. Not only did my bro not complete the blasted thing, his answers were so half-hearted and careless that I got damn pissed off just looking at them. For a three-mark question he wrote a three-word answer. What the hell? Comprehension is dumb, but the only way to show that you're smarter than the shit MOE forces you to do is to conquer it and kick its ass; don't let it insult your intelligence, for crying out loud. Have some shred of dignity, please! What happened to the kid who punched the wall because his grades did not measure up to his own expectations?

And seriously, even if you don't care about your own grades, at least have the decency to think of the folks. Think of the paternal figure, how unfair it is to him that he has to come home everyday at 7, 8 p.m. from Johore Bahru to your messed up picture of perpetual academic nonchalance. Think of the maternal figure, how preposterous it is that the paternal figure expects her to keep a constant eye on you and your school work, how she has to conceal the fact that you cut your stupid holiday supplementary Chinese class two times in a row despite your saying that you'd attend it from the pateral figure just to avoid the two of you waging World War 3. At 15 I had some idea of what I wanted to do and what I was good at; do you? You claim to be good at Mathematics and the Sciences but I find it hard to believe that when your grades don't substantiate your claims.

I think there's at least a 10-pointer lurking beneath that facade of apathy and pretend-cool. I've gone through that phase and you're just like me, the way we blow off school because it's stupid, the way we cut classes along with half of our classmates. But I've also gone a step further - the A Levels (your ability to reach that stage is currently very questionable) and how it is less stupid than the O Levels, how kicking its ass got me where I am right now, and how I have virtually endless possibilities in front of me simply because I scored 3 A's. I know for sure the perks of getting good grades and I have seen the detriments of not getting good grades; being in Jurong Junior opened my eyes up to a completely different class of people than the ones I was used to.

And you know what? You're not gonna end up like one of the many Jurong Junior people who cried during results day because they had nowhere to go with their less-than-mediocre results. You can say, "Well if I do badly for the O Levels I can go to a polytechnic", except you can't go to a polytechnic. Call me biased or narrow-minded, but seriously, there's nothing much you can do with a diploma, except stay in one spot for the rest of your life. Our parents aren't rich enough to finance overseas education, and you have to graduate at the tip of the top of your class to gain entry into a local university. And why should you go to a university? Because everyone else in your family has gone to one, and because you deserve to.

If all else fails, THINK OF HOW DELIGHTFUL IT'D BE TO RUB YOUR 10 POINTS IN MY FACE! Don't you want a real chance to say, "Hahahahahahahaha I am smarter than you!"? Even if I'd never agree with you, I'd just smile and nod, keep my protests to myself and give you your moment in the sun.

I've already had my moment, and take it from a sister who gives a damn: it feels damn good. 为什么要考好成绩?因为考好成绩的滋味不是每个人都可以享受到的。

Sometimes, that's all it boils down to.

Other times, it's about your future, your own life, whether or not you're interested enough in self-survival to secure the best you can get out of the education system, and earning enough money to provide the best life you know our parents deserve.

Sigh. Brothers. They are so...brothers-ish.

**

As a parting shot I'd like to say that I just found out that the hanyu pinyin for 为什么 is wei shen me and not wei she me like I'd initially thought.

Oh my god I can't believe I never knew.

Also, I added a few more items to the ideal guy list.

this entry requires simplified encoding.

the title of the entry is taken from jay chou's "ni lin" and roughly translates to, "i will live with pride."

before sunrise // before sunset


Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010