Girl With Self-Imposed, Melodramatic Issues: S01E01.
written: 1:58 a.m. on Monday, Nov. 28, 2005

Season 1 Episode 1: Welcome to the Madhouse

INT � RANDOM PSEUDO-HIP CAF� � DAY

Music: We Used to be Friends by the Dandy Warhols

LYRICS: A long time ago
We used to be friends but I haven�t thought of you lately at all
If ever again
The greeting I send to you
Short and sweet to the soul I intend

Business is as usual in Random Pseudo-hip caf�: university students are tinkering away on their laptops, kids in uniform are congregating and making a racket, and the air-con is always non-eixstent. Our screwed up heroine, Nancy, is sitting across the table from her soon-to-be ex-boyfriend. He�s looking fidgety while she calmly stares back at him with a stoic expression on her face.

SOON-TO-BE EX-BOYFRIEND: Look, I don�t know what�s supposed to work, but this isn�t exactly functional.
NANCY (sarcastically): Oh, you think?

The camera goes for a close-up on soon-to-be ex-boyfriend�s uncomfortable face. He heaves a sigh and evades Nancy�s glare.

SOON-TO-BE EX-BOYFRIEND: I just don�t think I�m ready for this, after what happened with my last relationship. It�s�complicated. I�m busy, you know? I don�t have time for you. I can�t make you happy. I just want you to be happy. You know that, don�t you?

Soon-to-be ex-boyfriend yammers on. The camera goes for a close-up on Nancy�s face: she�s stoic still, but now she�s frowning a little.

NANCY VOICEOVER: Right. Why don�t you toss me another one of your endless clich�s while you�re at it? You think you�re the only one who�s busy? Who died and made you King of the World?
SOON-TO-BE EX-BOYFRIEND: �and well, I hope you understand, and that we can be friends.
NANCY: Sure do.

Nancy forces a smile. She scoops up her laptop and hoists her bag over her shoulder.

NANCY: I�m gonna go. See you around.

Without a second glance at soon-to-be ex-boyfriend who is now officially Ex-Boyfriend, Nancy hurries out of the caf�. She swipes at her eyes. The camera pulls back to reveal:

EXT � ABC LANE � DAY

NANCY VOICEOVER: So there it is. The break-up I saw hurtling towards me at top speed, one which, incidentally, I initiated. They say be careful of what you wish for; now I wish I�d listened.

FLASHBACK: INT � NANCY�S BEDROOM � NIGHT

Nancy lies in bed in the dark, trying to fall asleep. Her eyes are wide open as thoughts run through her mind. She looks perturbed by something, a nagging thought that refuses to go away. Finally, she sits up and reaches for her cellphone. She presses a few buttons, and the camera goes for a close-up on her display screen: �It�s sad how mutually exclusive our lives are. I think we need to talk.�

Nancy sends the text message. She leans her head back into the pillow, sighs, and closes her eyes.

FLASHBACK: INT � RANDOM PSEDUO-HIP CAF� � DAY

We�re taken back to where we first met Nancy. She seems to be at a loss as she looks at every single object in her vicinity but soon-to-be ex-boyfriend. Finally, she trains her gaze on him.

NANCY: This�casual dating thing. I don�t think it�s working.
SOON-TO-BE EX-BOYFRIEND: Yeah�
NANCY: I want more from you. I hate this �neither here nor there� thing and I really don�t mean to issue you an ultimatum, but I can�t go on like this. So, take your pick: We either fix this now or we walk away.
SOON-TO-BE EX-BOYFRIEND: Walk away? What do you mean?
NANCY: Like, you know. [She pops a Clorets ocean mint candy into her mouth, and shrugs.] We call this thing off and don�t talk to each other for a few months until I think I�m ready to. You know?
SOON-TO-BE EX-BOYFRIEND: Oh. Um, I don�t know�Isn�t that a bit extreme?
NANCY: [Snorts] Well, I�m sorry, but that�s just how I function.

The camera goes for a close-up on soon-to-be ex-boyfriend�s face. He looks very uncomfortable. A minute of silence ensues as Nancy stares blankly into space, her eyes trained on a random spot on the nearest slab of concrete. Soon-to-be ex-boyfriend does the same. And finally, soon-to-be ex-boyfriend exhales.

SOON-TO-BE EX-BOYFRIEND: I�m going for Option 2.

END FLASHBACK.

EXT � A BUS STOP � DAY

NANCY VOICEOVER: What can I possibly say? It sucks to be me? I completely understand why you�re dumping me? Am I supposed to be magnanimous and pretend it�s all fine and dandy?

From the corner of her eye she spots Ex-Boyfriend walking in her direction. Nancy looks away and swallows. The camera focuses on Ex-Boyfriend, who sees Nancy sitting at the bus stop, and quickly walks in the opposite direction.

NANCY VOICEOVER: Let the cold war begin.

INT � NANCY�S APARTMENT � NIGHT

Nancy�s mother knocks on her daughter�s bedroom door. She turns the doorknob but it�s locked.

NANCY�S MOTHER: Nancy, dinner�s ready. Can you come out?
NANCY [off camera]: Go away, Mom. I�m not hungry.
NANCY�S MOTHER: [looking concerned and knocking more rapidly on the door]: Is everything okay?

Camera cuts to:

INT- NANCY�S BEDROOM � NIGHT

Nancy has been crying. She�s sitting in front of her laptop, her fingers flying in all directions as she hits furiously at the keypad. The camera cuts to her laptop screen, revealing a diary entry on MS Word. Nancy sniffs and reaches for a tissue.

NANCY VOICEOVER: Is everything okay? No, Mom. Everything isn�t okay. Do you want me to count the ways in which my life sucks?

The clattering stops. Nancy stares out of her window, and heaves a heavy sigh. She resumes her typing. The camera focuses on her laptop screen: �Fuck him to hell.�

EXT � LAW SCHOOL � DAY

Music: Heart-Shaped Box by Nirvana

LYRICS: Hey, wait
I�ve got a new complaint
Forever in debt to your priceless advice
Your advice

Nancy gets out of a yellow Xterra and slams the door, heading for the lecture theatre.

NANCY VOICEOVER: Law school. Another thorn in my ass. If it weren�t for the fact that it�s more employable than what I really want to do, I wouldn�t even be here. Hate me for being an ungrateful little bitch, but after what I�ve been through, I think I have the right to gripe.

Nancy walks past a flyer tacked onto a wall, and slows down to take a look. It says, �LAW BASH @ CLUB PEACHES N CR�ME. $12 ONLY. ONE FREE DRINK. THE PERFECT WAY TO START YOUR LIFE AT LAW SCHOOL!�

Close up on Nancy�s face. She rolls her eyes.

INT � LECTURE THEATRE � DAY

Nancy is on MSN. The camera zooms in on her laptop screen, revealing an instant message session with her friend Kerry. It reads, �I�m so sorry for not getting to you earlier. I hate that one of my best friends is in such turmoil and I�m so slow on the uptake. I hope you�re not too down about it all, because I know you and I know you deserve better. If he can�t see that, he can and should just take a hike. Fuck him, okay?�

Close-up on Nancy�s face, a vague smile in the form of an upward tug of a corner of her mouth.

NANCY VOICEOVER: [typing] Oh, gross, I don�t want to. It�s fine, K. I�m giving you a hug right now.

A pair of arms snake around Nancy�s shoulders, enveloping her in a hug. She turns to her left. It�s her friend, Raina.

RAINA: You�re gonna be okay.

Nancy smiles and returns the hug.

INT � CLASSROOM � DAY

A class is in session. The camera pans the room, revealing 12 students, 1 teacher and a whiteboard. Nancy sits in the front row, slouched in her seat, pretending to be paying attention.

TEACHER: Is there consideration when one promises to do something which one was contracted to do? Anyone? Has anyone done the readings?

Nancy yawns. It catches her teacher�s attention.

TEACHER: Nancy. Can you explain the case of Stilk and Myrick?
NANCY: Um, I don�t know. I haven�t read the case.
TEACHER: Oh dear.

The camera zooms in slowly on Nancy�s face. She�s looking downwards, purportedly at her laptop screen, but her mind is miles away from the classroom.

NANCY VOICEOVER: Am I usually such a bad student? No. I�m sorry, Teach, but due to extenuating circumstances that have since taken over this joke that is my life I failed to read your very exciting case. Um, wait � I meant cases. At the rate I�m going it�s in everyone�s best interest for me to drop out of law school and stop wasting my parents� money on tuition that doesn�t benefit me in one way or another. And here I go, being a selfish little bitch again. I think I officially hate myself now. Well, if this is any consolation at all, I don�t think I�m the only one.

INT � NANCY�S BEDROOM � NIGHT

Music: All They Do is Talk by Earlimart

LYRICS: If they come in just to meet you
With broken words in monotone
Just smile and take the picture
It�s nice to know you love the song
That someone would remind you
Nothing hurts until it�s gone
My New Year�s resolution
�Cos all they do is
Talk

Nancy is lying on her bed. Only her study lamp is on; the rest of the room is dark.

NANCY VOICEOVER: A day later and I still feel the stab in the gut. Or the heart. Or maybe it�s both. And I keep imagining scenarios in which I have the final say, where I deliver scathing, cutting punchlines devised to make him hurt as much as me. But they are random snippets at best, with no beginning or end.

Cut to: Scenario Number 1.

NANCY VOICEOVER: This takes place a few months later.

INT � UNIVERSITY, CANTEEN � DAY

EX-BOYFRIEND: I never knew you could be so damn childish. Drop the �I am so eternally scarred� act for crying out loud! I didn�t even do you that much damage!
NANCY: In case you weren�t paying attention, this was and is my first time in such a place emotionally. Can I have your gracious permission to deal with it my way? And hell, what are you even doing here? This isn�t remotely your school!
EX-BOYFRIEND: [laughs incredulously] You�re so damn dysfunctional. And guess what? I don�t have to answer to you.
NANCY: Don�t flatter yourself.

Nancy starts to walk away, but Ex-Boyfriend grabs her arm.

EX-BOYFRIEND: I never thought I�d ever say this, but you know what? I hate you too.
NANCY: That�s great. That makes the two of us. I�m so glad the feeling is mutual. [pauses] Oh wait, I just realised � that would be a real first, wouldn�t it?

Nancy yanks her arm out of Ex-Boyfriend�s grip, and walks away.

Cut to: Scenario Number 2.

NANCY VOICE-OVER: This, during one of our dates.

INT � FANCY RESTAURANT � NIGHT

Ex-boyfriend is cutting up a piece of steak, while Nancy sips on her iced coffee.

EX-BOYFRIEND: I hate criminal lawyers.
NANCY: Why?
EX-BOYFRIEND: Because they defend criminals.
NANCY: [raising an eyebrow] You don�t think criminals deserve legal representation?
EX-BOYFRIEND: Who cares? They�re less than human. How can you defend a murderer?
NANCY: [obviously offended] Whoa. What are you saying? How can you say that? Have you heard of �innocent until proven guilty�? Before he�s convicted an accused murderer has equal right under the Constitution to a fair trial, like any other person. Not all accused criminals are guilty of the crimes they�re accused of, and even if they are, it doesn�t make them less than human. How can you even say that?
EX-BOYFRIEND: Are you insane? You know, Nance, I think you�re too compassionate.
NANCY: Wanna know what I think?
EX-BOYFRIEND: What?
NANCY: You have a screwed up values system.

Cut to: Scenario Number 3.

NANCY VOICEOVER: A month later, after I hooked up with some hot guy.

INT � SHOPPING CENTRE � DAY

Music: Have A Nice Day by Stereophonics

LYRICS: Lie around all day
Have a drink to chase
Yourself and tourists, yeah
That's what I hate
He said, we're going wrong
We've all become the same
We dress the same ways
Only our accents change
So have a nice day
Have a nice day

Nancy walks hand-in-hand with Current Boyfriend. The Shopping Centre is an old complex, fitted with too-white fluorescent lightings. There are random patches of dubious-looking stains on the walls. Nevertheless, Nancy and Current Boyfriend are laughing and talking, looking � dare we say it? � quite happy.

CURRENT BOYFRIEND: Hey, do you think this thing with us will ever get more normal?
NANCY: What, like going to the mall isn�t normal enough? Do we have to get each other stuffed bears that say, �I love you Beary much�?
CURRENT BOYFRIEND: [laughs] Don�t even think for a second that the Veronica Mars reference was lost on me. But really, all we do is have fun and make out. I don�t really know you know you. You know?
NANCY: [wry smile] Hmm, really? Oh look, I love that mug! Let�s go in!

Nancy drags a bewildered Current Boyfriend into the said store. She picks up a mega mug with cartoonish cow prints on it against a dark blue background.

NANCY: Man, I�ve always wanted one of these! It�s perfect for my latest obsession with iced coffee and vanilla. And look at the cows! Aren�t they just soooo adorable?
CURRENT BOYFRIEND: [still bewildered] Uh, yeah�I suppose. Would it piss you off if I said your obsession with cows is kinda weird?
NANCY: [swatting Current Boyfriend�s arm playfully] Oh, you! [Pauses, examining the mug] Know what, I�m getting this.

Nancy begins to proceed to the cashier, but Current Boyfriend takes the mug from her hand and smiles.

CURRENT BOYFRIEND: I got it.
NANCY: [genuinely touched] Thanks.

They walk � hand-in-hand � to the cashier. Nancy is beaming. Current Boyfriend puts the mug down on the counter. The cashier takes it. Nancy casually looks at the cashier � and her smile immediately vanishes. It�s Ex-Boyfriend, and they make eye contact.

NANCY: [under her breath] Oh, fuck.

Ex-boyfriend is looking uncomfortable (we�re starting to think he doesn�t have any other facial expressions). He glances at Current Boyfriend, then at Nancy again, and finally he clears his throat and scans the mug. Nancy tugs on Current Boyfriend�s sleeve.

NANCY: Hey, I�m waiting outside.

Without waiting for a reply Nancy exits the store. A few minutes later Current Boyfriend emerges from the store, new purchase in hand. He hands it to Nancy.

CURRENT BOYFRIEND: Here you go. Happy?
NANCY: [glancing at the bag] On second thought, I don�t want it anymore. On third thought, I think you should return it.

Without waiting for a reply (again), Nancy walks away, leaving poor Current Boyfriend staring after her in bewilderment (again).

Cut to: Present.

INT � NANCY�S BEDROOM � NIGHT

Music: Feel So Free by Ivy

LYRICS: Ask me again
I�ll take my chances
I don�t know how to begin
You can�t understand
I�ve got no answers
I can�t explain where I�ve been
I should�ve known better
I should�ve known by now
And I feel so free
Yeah, I feel alright
Never thought I�d feel
Like I feel tonight

NANCY VOICEOVER: What I want is a new story about who I am. What I need to do is to fuck up so bad I can�t save myself. Even if it means blatantly ripping off Chuck Palahniuk. [pauses] I hope I pronounced that correctly.

A look of resoluteness briefly crossed Nancy�s face. She gets up from her bed and opens her laptop cover. The camera zooms in on her screen as she types this URL into the address bar: �http://ilivenearyou.com�.

NANCY VOICEOVER: The Bard hit the nail pretty hard on the head: Hell hath known no fury like a woman scorned. No more playing nice. From now onwards, I�m getting my own back.

The camera pulls back for a long-range shot of Nancy on her laptop. Ivy�s Feel So Free continues playing in the background, its haunting melody foreshadowing the destruction that is to come. Fade to black. End.

**

Reactions from the online community:

BADTVSUCKS: What the hell is up with this retard? So some guy dumped her - GET OVER IT! To paraphrase Madison Sinclair from Veronica Mars, "Oh my god, you got dumped. You are like, so scarred for life!"

DOWNWITHBADTV: I second that, BADTVSUCKS. This is reading like a very bad attempt by some pathetic loser to dramatise her equally pathetic life. Why did I just waste 30 minutes of my life watching that stupid dribble?

BADTVKILLSPUPPIES: I second and third the preceding opinions. Nancy's voiceovers are total rip-offs of Veronica Mars' voiceovers. Who the hell is this writer trying to kid? She's obviously a huge VM fan, but plagiarising VM does not equal show of fervent support. Get another day job, Loser.

IHATEBADTV: Oh my god. Just when I thought nothing would get worse than The O.C. I bemoan the death of quality television.

GETRIDOFBADTVFORWORLDPEACESSAKE: I am still trying to get my mind around the fact that this piece of self-gratifying dribble even made it past the executive room. That is all I have to say.

BADTVRUINSYOURHEALTH: Huh? Some spoilt ass got dumped and goes online...to do what? And what the hell is ilivenearyou.com? That's the lamest single-seeking-single website I've ever heard of.

BADTVMAKESYOUFAT: Just watching 30 minutes of that piece of trash has caused me to gain 5 pounds. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

BADTVISWORSETHANTHEPLAGUE: How in the world did this whiny little bitch get into law school? Talk about unrealistic! I foresee the cancellation of this joke of a soap opera-wannabe after this ridiculous episode.

And on and on they go.

**

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any person, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Disclaimer 2: Names have been changed to protect the identities of those involved.

Disclaimer 3: This is styled after format of the Veronica Mars Pilot transcript because I couldn't find any (read: Veronica Mars) actual teleplays, and I was too lazy to dig up my Romeo & Juliet screenplay for a more realistic format. Whatever.

Disclaimer 4: To Veronica Mars, I'm sorry for stealing a couple of your lines. And uh, stealing the music used on your show. In fact, with the exception of Nirvana's Heart-Shaped Box, all the songs were used on your show. Oops.

Disclaimer 5: To Chuck Palahniuk, I'm sorry for the plagiarism too.

Disclaimer 6: I am aware that the first episode of a TV show is usually called "Pilot". Yes, I know that. What has that got to do with me?

Disclaimer 7: Save for the first one, I'm probably using the word 'disclaimer' wrongly. Again, whatevever.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010