i am honestly quite sick of myself.
written: 3:33 a.m. on Friday, Dec. 09, 2005

A typical day in my life:

Wake up at 2 p.m. Have lunch while watching at least two Season 1 Veronica Mars episodes. At around 4 p.m. switch off TV and DVD player. Retreat into room. Switch on laptop. Park self in front of laptop and let aimless Internet surfing tell the time. Have dinner at 7 p.m. and have no idea what the three hours were used on. Wash the dishes. Retreat into room again at 8 p.m. Repeat 4 to 7 p.m. ritual. Go into living room at 11 p.m. and watch Quan Min Da Men Guo. At 12 midnight retreat into room yet again. Start watching downloaded stuff, sometimes with food and coffee. Entertains thought of staying up all night and not sleeping at all but eventually sleep at 5.30 a.m.

Hmm, what a compelling drama the above would totally make.

**

I can't do this people thing.

I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to hang out. I don't want to do anything. I'm temporarily happy when I'm parked in front of my TV watching my Veronica Mars DVD, or in front of my laptop watching the stuff I downloaded. And after such trivial entertainment has helped me tell the time, another day has gone and sooner or later I'm going to run out of fictional worlds to escape into and then I'd have to start facing my own mundane reality.

I should be preparing for so many things but I just put them off, I don't want to deal with anything at all, not College Day or the SATs, the thought of speaking in front of at least a thousand people is enough to make me wish I were dead, I haven't felt this desolute in the longest time and I know I should probably go out with people but hell I don't want to, I don't want to be the one calling people out, and when people call me out I just don't want to budge, god I need a fucking diagnosis.

The slightest indication that a person doesn't get where I'm coming from is enough to make me bristle, even if it was nothing personal.

You have no idea what I'm going through; I know this for a fact because I have no idea what I'm going through either.

**

Try this someday: Go to a cineplex. Ten in the morning. Buy tickets for every single show, from ten till the last show. If possible make sure every show you bought is showing in the same cinema. Sit in the same spot for the whole day, your eyes glued to the silver screen, living the lives of un-real people who have nothing to do with you.

Living, for once. A pseudo-reality where everything happens, where there is meaning to the point of being alive; but the downside to this trick is, when the two hours are over you're locked back in to non-psuedo-reality where nothing ever happens and meaning is oft elusive. Two hours stacked on top of each other, oh how does it feel to shuffle between so many different lives, going in and out and experiencing the absurd the dramatic the painful the hilarious the heart-breaking the inspirational the life-altering?

You know, I really can't do this. This talking thing, this going to school thing, this living thing.

People like me should not watch Veronica Mars; the witty banter of the characters in that show, the excellent writing, the intriguing individuals, make you feel like shit about your own worthless life.

Also, for sell-outs like me, it makes you wish you'd gone for what you've always wanted instead.

So, we're back to square one.

God, Yelen, I'm honestly quite bored of your pathetic, meaningless whinings! You should go see the wizard; ask him for some dignity.

Okay, so I ripped the 'see the wizard' thing from Don Lamb (Veronica Mars). Oh well.

**

Make me happy, anyone. I'm so tired of feeling like shit.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010