adrenaline helps you know you're alive.
written: 10:00 p.m. on Friday, Dec. 30, 2005

For the record, I don't find my inability to comprehend my own freaking dialect funny in any way, shape or form.

Okay, so it probably is, and I'm constantly downplaying the severity (in my opinion, anyway; I know 50% of Chinese Singaporeans don't give a damn about dialect) of the situation, but still. I wish I knew more beyond your standard "si mi lah" and "jia sai lah" ("what" and "eat shit" respectively).

Like, today? My grandfather was on the phone with my grandmother in Taiwan and he was telling her that my mom bought something. I heard my mom's name, Hokkien for "buy", Hokkien for "one", and the Hokkien word "ah".

My first thought? He was talking about my mom buying a roast duck home for lunch or whatever. "Duck" in Hokkien is "ah", di si sheng and no I don't know how to say that in English, but because my Hokkien is shite I didn't hear the slight difference in my grandfather's pronunciation. Hence, when I said to my dad, "Mom bought a duck?", he just started laughing. He conveyed what I said to my grandfather after he hung up the phone, and my grandfather started laughing too.

It turned out? The word was actually Hokkien for "box".

Oh, I am stupid.

**

College Day was exhilarating (for me) at best and excruciating (for the audience) at worst.

A couple of amusing things happened. It was my turn to go up the stage and get my certificates and cheque and the emcee was like, "Yelen blah blah and she is also receiving the awards for Best in GP English and History", and I swear, there was a slightly audible "wow" from the audience.

The "wow" sounded itself again right before I went up and "delivered the valediction" (I still haven't got round to checking what "valediction" means), when the emcee was briefly telling the audience what gave me the prerogative to be onstage talking to them in the first place. The very second he/she (I can't remember which emcee it was, sorry) said "Faculty of Law", there it was again, the "wow".

Needless to say hearing that alone gave me a huge ego boost which morphed into a strange mix of adrenaline rush and outright stage fright and when I was actually up there, it was pretty cool. I tried not to ramble - everyone told me I was too fast during rehearsals - and tried to turn off my robot personality and make it less dreary, tried to maintain my cool...but then I saw my dad filming with his Sony Handycam, kinda lost it and rambled a word, then saw my mom and kinda lost it again and rambled a phrase, yadayada, I got to the part where I thanked my parents and almost got choked up to the extent that I couldn't say anything but thankfully didn't, and then the kind of thunderous applause at the end? Totally fucking cool.

Another thing that helped was seeing a lot of empty seats at the back when I was on that stage. The cynical thought that it was the end of a very looooong and tedious programme which means no one would be listening helped tremendously as well.

Hopefully everyone fell asleep and so no one noticed my mistakes.

Reactions to the speech were mixed. Teachers loved it, parents said I was too fast. Oops. I didn't stick around after the whole thing was over long enough to talk to other people and split as soon as possible. It was just weird being there, you know, with all those people and JJC people and none of my friends, and in fact, that last point kind of sucked. And then I came back and felt victorious and melancholic, like it was the final chapter of something that really wasn't that bad, and in fact, was pretty awesome in retrospect, and it felt like a door has been gently closed on me, an aspect of my life that has finally become a relic of the past.

I mentioned something about Nostalgia in that speech (although I kinda said it a bit sarcastically) and wow, how true that one is. When I wrote it I was only kind of aware of its truth; now that this whole thing is over, and I'm really in university, it feels more real than ever.

This was just another College Day, the event just another bunch of prize winners feeling good about themselves, and maybe it's slightly more special because it was held in the Suntec Ballroom and there was real money spent on it, and maybe I would've liked it to be held in LT5 instead but - and please forgive the cheese - I think, honestly, I'm gonna remember this day, those five Weird-Ass minutes, for the rest of my life.

I'm sorry, was that too cheesy? Well, you know what they say: Veronica Mars - she's a marshmallow.

Oh, was I not talking about someone else's life?

**

I know, I KNOW, the VM desert is totally killing me! January 18, where are you?

And January 18 is also Rui's birthday so double the happiness for me! 'Cause I know she'd be treating all her law school friends to a nice big cake in school which means more for me to look forward to!

Bwahahahaha. Don't I just love putting words into people's mouth. Fun Fun Fun.

Also, Jan. 18 is Jielun's birthday, but that has nothing to do with me.

**

Y@le application deadline is sometime on Sunday, Singapore Time, I haven't thought of anything to write for the common app essay and I'm obviously not trying right now. I'm trying this thing, though, where I back myself into a corner just to force myself to write. Like, OH MY GOD, the deadline is in, like, THIRTY FUCKING MINUTES' TIME! You have to start writing NOW!

The really bad thing about constant and un-ceasing procrastination is that...it doesn't cease. Like, ever. I know I'm really screwed that I have nothing and yet, as long as there's still time, I continue to put it off, nevermind that in actual fact, there isn't time left. Why oh WHY do I make life difficult for myself?

Also, I'm totally not looking forward to school starting. If it weren't for the whole VM IS UN-HIATUS-ING! in January 2006 thing, I'd be finding ways to hang myself right now. I mean, school starting AND Cambridge decision which pretty much decides the next three years of my life and the freaking continent in which I'd spend said three years of my life? Are you kidding? That's too much pain even for a masochist as seasoned as myself to take.

You know, for a faculty as revered as the LAW! faculty, and for someone who enjoys the prestige by association, I'm really going out of my way to wreck what is actually, objectively, a pretty promising future.

The thing is, I'm still not buying it. Getting a C for Torts and what will be an F for Contract clearly shows that there's no way in hell I'd convince people that I'm a real lawyer in the future. I don't know anything, I'm only interested in pointless philosophical meanderings and political posturings, I get a lot more excited when I'm reading Time magazine than 99.99% of my law school readings, my level of excitement when it comes to reading Julian Barnes as compared to that when reading law school stuff and the way it increases more than exponentially is such a given that I shouldn't even be mentioning it, I can think of so many reasons to quit law school right now and only one to stay (because people automatically think I'm smart when I tell them, "Look at me, I'm in law school!" and yes, embarrassingly, I get a kick out of that), and then there's this other thing about how I'm still woefully stuck in SINGAPORE when I told myself to get out after the A Levels when I was 16.

Some things don't change. My desire to box out of this scene is one of them. There is an entire world out there to explore, universities in which students are activists (Yale is quite known for its campus activism, I think), actual environments in which to practice civil disobedience. I hate an automatic and mindless acquiescence to authority which is a disease that seems to plague at least 60% of Singapore's population, I hate how people don't care, I hate how blissful ignorance is the drug of choice, I really hate how pathetic and un-appreciated the Arts scene is, I hate how journalism is actually Government Mouthpiece, and I could go on and on and on but I'm pretty sure you get my point.

Above all else, though, I still haven't figured out what the hell I'm doing in this world and what gives me the right to further deplete the earth's already-scarce resources. When I figure that part out, I'll be sure to let you know.

**

So I was at Starbucks Suntec waiting for the time to pass so that College Day could start and so on and I picked up a Starbucks serviette and there was a line that said the napkin was 100% made from recycled material.

Of course, me being the cynical idiot that I am, I immediately thought, "Wow. Environmentalism seems to really be in vogue nowadays."

On the subject of Starbucks, it kicks The Coffee Bean's ass, anytime and anyday. You should read that quote from the Starbucks Chairman and international handler or whatever. It was profound. I don't remember what it was but I did go "wow, good writing" when I read it.

And just so you know, writing meant for advertisement is hardly ever good in my humble opinion.

**

This is embarrassing, I think, but hell. I am addicted to America's Next Top Model. It is so damn entertaining and amusing. Season 5 just started here but funny thing is, I've downloaded the on-TV episodes so far. The fact that Kim is a (hot) lesbian makes me want to keep downloading. You'll never know how idle the censors' hands are and I'm always paranoid about watching a censored film/TV show, exactly like the way I'm paranoid about accidentally eating the minced body part of a dead pig/chicken/cow/whatever.

But it got really annoying in the season premiere, the way the girls kept screaming like slaughtered chickens over every. single. freaking. thing. Like, just shut up, okay? Such instances remind me of a significant reason why being female sucks sometimes.

Also, I think I have a crush on Kim. She's so hot. Honestly, she is. When some girl made out with her in that limo? OH MY GOD. It's so not difficult to trifle with lesbianism if the girl in question really looks like a guy.

Hahahaha.

(spoilers for an upcoming Season 5 episode ahead)

And yeah it also helps that she won that Veronica Mars challenge and appeared in the BEST SEASON 2 EPISODE so far, Rat Saw God, and kicked ass. And it's REALLY hard to kick ass opposite the amazing Kristen Bell.

On another but kind of related note, this thread is the most hilarious thing ever.

On a totally different note, I really hate Jimmy Cooper of the OC and I'm glad he seems to be off the show for good, and I'm still amazed that Mischa Barton is still a working actress after her startling lack of emotions upon seeing her father all bloody-faced and bruised-eyed at his boat thingy. I hate to make what is probably an unwarranted comparsion, but seriously. On Veronica Mars, all Keith needs to do to get some serious concern from his daughter is for him to fall and hurt his back while chasing a bail jumper. She was genuinely concerned and it was so heartening watching Veronica nag her dad about taking his meds.

Watching a shitty show only reaffirms my love for Veronica Mars. I wanna marry everyone on that show.

And I'm starting to have really...interesting fantasies about Sheriff Don Lamb.

**

Anyway, I'm off to watch Quan Min Da Men Guo on Starhub Channel 52 now.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010