quietly and silently.
written: 9:51 p.m. on Thursday, Feb. 02, 2006
Today was no exception. I don't get the 25% class participation, I don't get the assignments, and I don't wanna do any of them. It's the bane of my fledging existence in law school and I can't wait for it to be freaking over.
I saw an ex-boyfriend on bus 96 on my way out of NUS and it was the weirdest thing ever. He was getting off the bus and I was genuinely going to say hi or something but before I could do anything he got off the bus and I was like, Oh okay, found myself a seat and continued ranting mentally about how much my life sucks and how dysfunctional I am as a person, and that was that.
Sometimes, it's painfully obvious how some things are meant to be non-issues and how a person who makes such non-issues issues is just plain retarded. I'm such a person. I have issues with intimacy, with being touched, with dating, to me physical attraction and intellectual attraction are always mutually exclusive...seriously, just - stop. Stop it now. I don't know how much of myself I can take.
The thing is, we're all so damn inconsistent. We say we believe or feel one thing and then go on to do the exact damn opposite. We sit around and moan and bitch and whine about how we're eternally single and how we don't go out on dates like normal people and when someone actually asks us out we just freaking freak out and make a whole bloody mountail out of a miniscule molehill, and I'm like, What the hell do you want? It's not even that big of a deal, it's perfectly normal, I should just get a grip and find comfort in the fact that my highly selective standards have not been totally ignored and just STOP THINKING and I can't even articulate why I feel so weird about it all. With whom does the problem lie? Obviously it has to be me. I see the end even before anything has begun, and the only thing I trust is that I won't be interested enough to stick around and be in it for the long haul.
I'm anti-marriage not just because I find it absurd that you need a contract to prove your supposed never-ending love; I'm also anti-marriage because I find it pretty impossible to find a person with whom I'm willing to spend the rest of my life. Put another way, there's just no way - NO WAY - I'm going to meet anyone that will interest me for that long a time period. The only way that'd happen would be cloning myself and making my clone a male.
This is quite hilarious. In Legal Theory today the lecturer asked, "What is love? What do you mean when you say that you love someone?" And I saw in my head a scene from a movie in which the female protagonist has just espoused her philosophy on love to the audience that is exactly like the one I just talked about, and she sits slightly slouched in her seat with an ironic half-smile on her face, and the camera focuses on various students who try to articulate an answer to that question, and the female protagonist winces at their responses and laughs a little to herself, and the audience is in on the joke and they feel what she thinks is her emotional inadequacy and understands the despondence of the situation, the can of worms that the lecturer's question opens up. One thing leads to another and another and another, and they lead to one end point, the end of the tunnel where there's no escape anymore.
I was pretty content to be by myself. For a short while late last year I desperately wanted to date and go out with random guys, but something always stopped me, a self-preserving arrogance that told me that I was too good for that. And now, I want to be by myself more than I want to step out of this new-found comfort zone, and I satisfy my sporadic romantic longings by playing post-modernist fairy tales in my head.
After all, reality is overrated and things like that have always existed prettier and with more meaning in my imagination. Mind-blowing never quite takes shape in real life.
before sunrise // before sunset
Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010