it's a free ride when you've already paid.
written: 5:50 p.m. on Tuesday, Mar. 28, 2006

Then again, not so much - exams start in three weeks and I still haven't got a clue what the hell is going on in Contract and am murky about what went on in Crim. It's sad, it is, and I've stopped reading for Legal Theory and only half-pay attention in lectures so I'm pretty much screwed on all counts.

At this juncture, I'm starting to seriously worry about the possibility of me failing Contract. Something has to be done about that, but I just don't know. What happens if I fail a module anyway? Ugh, dammit. Why am I forced to study Contract law when I'm really not even the slightest bit interested? The pointlessness of it amazes me.

Yes it sucks not to be a money-spinning machine, especially when you're not remotely one. Boy, do I need a step-by-step guide on how to get a C for Contract (pun should be ignored).

**

I can't imagine putting in truckloads of effort for a module and still do badly for that module in the end. I'm obviously not getting anything close to good grades but I know exactly why that is, because I'm not even trying to study. But there are people who put in so much effort - for LAWR, for instance - and end up doing worse than me. I can't imagine being in that position and not want to kill myself or drop out of law school or both, considering how I tend towards fatalistic tendencies (tend towards tendencies - wow, brilliant ang moh, self).

And yet, no one is going to make excuses for me when I fail Contract and I can't bloody fail a module so I better start doing something about it. Like, I don't even give a damn if I get a freaking C-; I just need a C- and I'd be more than happy. I can't freaking do hypotheticals to save my life and I don't know why. Everyone says they're easier but the question I did the best for on the Contract test last semester was the essay question.

(Okay, so it was only higher by a few marks and it was a shitty mark but whatever.)

And of course, to top it all off, the exam is fucking closed book.

Oh, they say it's semi-closed book because hey, we provide you with the statutes and a list of cases!

Yeah, so very helpful. Other people were indignant when the news broke but I saw it coming from a mile away and it didn't make a difference.

The bottom line is, I'm screwed.

Time to make friends with potential dean-listers, even better if they're cute, and get notes from them.

But the thought of me making friends is enough to make me laugh my ass off, not to mention that other assumption I made in the previous sentence (kudos to you if you can discern it because I'm not gonna say).

**

I ordered an American Eagle polo tee (omg I actually typed 'tea'! This is the result of too much TextTwist) from BlueCanyon.com and it arrived today!

But the thing is, the material isn't what I thought it'd be and the shirt fits funny and I just KNOW that my mom is gonna make a hell lot of noise later when she comes in and asks me what the package contained and thus finds out that I bought a shirt online.

I still prefer old-fashioned shopping because it has so much more (cue Contract-esque terminology and I seem to have forgotten how to spell that word) certainty than online shopping. And to be quite honest, the only reason I online shopped and bought something was because I hadn't properly shopped for, like, ever and was dying to buy myself a nice shirt; hence.

The next time this impulse to buy things online strikes me again, I will try my hardest to resist it.

**

So yesterday I went shopping with Rui, Mag and Pet and it was fun but tiring. Today Rui and I concurred that it was stupid of us to walk up and down Bugis lugging our laptops and, for Mag and Rui, dressed in court attire. I had severe difficulties getting up this morning for the Illegality lecture because I was so tired when I got home last evening - feet aching (my shoes cost me about $10 or less and they suck), shoulders and arms aching (the laptop), brains half-dead (just because). My arms/shoulders are still aching as we speak.

I bought a nice top from a random boutique at Bugis Village. The other three bought a lot more stuff than me. It was fun, it was.

I'm not comfortable around the majority of the people in law school and I don't give a damn. And the reason I can afford not to give a damn is because I have great friends to hang out with, and I've always valued a few close friends over a cohort of acquaintances. So there.

**

Also, I was the timekeeper for Mag and Rui for their 8 a.m. moots yesterday. I woke up quite quickly actually, even though it was 6.30 a.m. and it was a while since I last got up that early. For some reason I couldn't freaking sleep and I kept waking up for like 10 seconds in the middle of the night and so when 6.30 rolled around I was all ready to get up.

Anyway, boring story about my shitty sleeping patterns aside, I thought Rui and Mag both did very well and I'm proud of them. Mag impressed me with her superb speaking skills and her unfaltering confidence and Rui mooted through her cold and still sounded solid. Yay for them both!

LAWR has been over for quite a while for me and it still feels slightly odd. I don't know. Nevermind.

**

Is it just me or is it quite absurd when a person seems to have a tiny thing for another person just because that other person happens to remind the first person of someone else nevermind that other person isn't even the first person's "type"? (Whatever 'type' means nowadays.)

I think it's freaking stupid. People like that should kill themselves. Really.

It's kind of like going for Jay Chou when you really want Joaquin Phoenix. No, wait - it's like settling for Jay Chou because Joaquin Phoenix isn't around. How absolutely sad is that? And how would Jay feel when he finds out he's really second choice?

Haha, I have no idea what the hell I'm rambling on about. I noticed a long time back that many of the people I admire have names that start with J - Joaquin, Jay (Jielun as I prefer to call him), Julian Barnes, James Dean. What an odd coincidence.

**

If I make it to Year 3 of law school, I so totally want to, like, take, like, Jurisprudence.

**

Is it just me or is it also equally absurd to want to pursue something which you know for a fact that will absolutely end in disaster and nothing less just for that instant gratification?

I'm getting frustrated. I need a distraction. I should stop going to school. Really.

I miss being with someone and the physical intimacy that comes along with it. (Okay, I just miss physical intimacy, period.)

And at the same time, I don't miss the uncertainty and the eventual shittiness of needing to dump the guy when the fun's all dried up.

And I definitely do not want to be with one person for the rest of my life - not right now, not before, not ever.

And yet, what the hell do you do when you can't seem to get incessantly ridiculous thoughts like these out of your head?

And I wouldn't mind being assured of a ride home from school every day, or having someone to whine to whenever I get the urge to sign the 'drop out of law school' form, or having someone to go out with every Saturday night.

I guess it just sucks for me, then, that the majority of the male population in Singapore can't bloody speak English according to my standards. And yes, it sucks being a snob too, but there you go - I don't care!

This wasn't what I originally wanted to cryptically talk around.

Joaquin Phoenix should solve all my problems NOW and propose to me NOW, dammit.

**

There's an odd paradox inherent in my take on the type of person I'd voluntarily (i.e. not the result of a concussion from an accident which then leads to amnesia and then a 360 degrees personality overhaul) marry: He's the type who won't be into marriage.

I mean. I don't know. I've always liked people who are different and truly unique and unconventional, people who thumb their noses at the norm and the mainstream, and still manage to be normal and not pretentious. From what I know, Joaq does that pretty well which is why I love him so. Can you honestly find me a guy in Singapore who's vegan, speaks damn good English, writes bloody well, is into the arts, is an atheist and is against the death penalty?

You may then ask me, Why does a person's personal politics matter? Except, of fucking course it fucking matters. A person's political views and all that say a lot about who that person is, and I can't be around stuffy conservative types who haven't seen the world outside the 10-metre radius of their HDB flat.

And of course, I gauge a person's intelligence by their standard of spoken/written English. I have absolutely no justification and I won't even try to justify that; all I have to say is, words are the key to my heart.

(This is also way I find it fucking retarded that people who can't use the comma correctly are actually Oxford students. They try to make excuses by saying they're Math students which is the saddest excuse I've ever heard. You're English, you're in one of the world's best universities, you can't use the comma properly and you still think there's nothing wrong? Oh my god. Kill me now, please.)

**

On a different note, I try not to judge people and maybe that's why some friends feel comfortable telling me about their problems. And I like listening to them and attempting to offer advice, but sometimes I do wonder if I'm too impartial. On the one hand, I know that whatever I say won't make any impact if I'm talking down to them; and on the other, I don't know if I'm too objective, such that I let them get away too easily with things that are, on a balance of probabilities (sorry I couldn't help it), detrimental to their emotional health. Do I do too good a job of separating a person's act from the person's character, or just from the person, period?

Maybe I should be more assertive sometimes. I don't know.

**

Will try to do some readings tonight. No guarantees on how that'd pan out though.

I love Joaquin. And I love Jielun.

**

9.25 p.m. Edited to add:

No offence (yeah right) to the misguided dude that sent me this, but I need help deciphering the following:

"hi saw ur profile in the gallery,
loves to play pool, watch soccer, badminton,
playin card tricks
but long time nv practise liao, n also playin with
my
love birds

how about u????
wanna exch msn
hope to know more about u"

Is "love birds" what I think it means? If so, how would admitting that your pasttime is masturbation earn you brownie points with the average, reasonable female person? If not, can someone please tell me what the heck that meant?

Also, talk about the best (albeit extreme) example of how the comma is misused! Now I have something solid with which to substantiate my wrong-comma-usage-pisses-me-off rants. Seriously, whenever I come across such gross errors committed against the name of the English language and the sanity of grammar Nazis/purists out there like myself (as purist as one can get when one screws up sentences and invokes Artistic License anyway), I try very hard to put myself in the shoes of the person who wrote such things and try very hard to figure out their state of mind when they wrote those things. What were they thinking when they used that comma instead of the period? Was it a typo or just plain idiocy? How in the world did they think that a sentence can be split up and broken up into random phrases that have neither a beginning nor an end? Were they doing one of those stream-of-consciousness thing? Oh wait, I think I'm giving too much credit and insulting the masters of the literary style.

I've received a number of random messages from random guys and not a single one was grammatically-correct. (How can a question NOT end with a question mark?!) Am I too particular over such tiny details? Are these tiny details too trivial?

Of freaking course not. If you want to use a language, you have to respect its rules (good writers are exempt of course). Not giving a damn about proper punctuation and spelling is as good as going to a foreign country and flouting all of its laws; the only difference is, the latter is punishable while the former isn't but should be.

(For the record, guys who "play pool, watch soccer, badminton" [is 'badminton] supposed to be a verb here? If so, I can't see how it works] are usually boring.)

I should shut up about this. Need to do Contract tutorial. DN sent a final list of students who are expected to submit answers and my stupid conscience actually emailed her and asked her if I could submit my answer too. What the hell is wrong with me?

One last thing. I've figured out why I thought I mis-quoted Iago in the previous entry. Iago's famous quote (from Othello, obviously) is "I am not what I am". Eli "Weevil" Navarro, played by Francis Capra (for the film buffs out there, he is the grandson or great-grandson of Frank Capra), said in "Hot Dogs": "I am what I am, V. Leopard spots - you know what they say."

Am I kicking myself for seeing the Othello referene this late into the game? Absofuckinglutely.

Speaking of Absofuckinglutely, I so feel like watching Dogfight (River Phoenix's film which I LOVED) all of a sudden. Great romance film, that one.

I'm going to stop typing now. Really.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010