tell me it's the real thing.
written: 9:07 p.m. on Tuesday, Apr. 04, 2006

Maybe I should just screw the exams because there's my perfect course waiting for me at Warwick and I don't know why I'm not requesting for the drop-out-of-law-school form yet. I want my English + Creative Writing and I want my law degree and it kills me that I have to choose, and it kills me worse that in all probability I'm not gonna go anywhere.

Because let's face it: My arrogance is telling me that you don't need to go to school to learn how to write and that true talent is like Truman Capote who didn't even go to college, but my sense of realism is also telling me that I need something to force me to write before I'd stop drifting aimlessly through the days of my life. And yet, when I contemplate over what I'm going to do with the Warwick degree my mind draws a blank, and simultaneously, I bristle when people make silly presumptuous remarks along the lines of "you're gonna be like so rich when you become a lawyer".

"When" I become a lawyer? Oh my god. I don't even want to have anything to do with law sometimes. The mere thought of practising it? You might as well ask me to jump out of my window.

And since when is life merely about money? Tris said it very well when he said something about not wanting to become a contract lawyer over lunch because contract lawyers don't help anyone...well, I'm doing some major paraphrasing here but the gist of what he said was that there has to be some sort of meaning to what you do; otherwise, it's not worth it (okay I added the "it's not worth it" part but I'm sure he'll concur).

Life is such a huge, annoying irony. Seriously, you'd think that I'd get all excited when classmates talk about how much a lawyer earns, considering it was the main reason I applied to law in the first place, but the truth is, deep down inside I'm rolling my eyes and not giving a damn, holding on strong to whatever little idealism I have left.

Then again, Tubby hit the nail right on the head when he came up with the phrase "disappointed idealist"; I couldn't think of a more apt label to tack onto myself. And it doesn't help that I love writing, only writing, and nothing else.

It's going to be damn hard turning down the Warwick offer.

**

Oh yeah, I didn't even expect to get in. I did the email interview like two months before the offer, and when they took so long to get back to me I just assumed that they rejected me. I was half holding my breath when I logged on to UCAS Track and was expecting the worst, and when I saw the word "unconditional"...there was happiness, relief, a sense of validation, and then there was dread, the beginnings of Round Two of the Battle Within Self, an unwillingness to go through it all over again. I thought I knew what I wanted, I think I know what I want, but what I really want isn't what I think I should and/or could want.

Suffice to say, and to put it in crude, pedestrian terms, this really fucking sucks.

Let's all blame it on Cambridge. Damn you for rejecting me and ruining my plans.

**

So anyway I saw this Year 2 (I think) guy in law who kind of looked like Lawrence (from Jurong) and it was a bit weird, 'cause I kind of did a slight double take when I saw that guy and I was wondering, "Why is Lawrence in the law faculty?" Then I took a closer look, saw that the guy had bigger eyes, and laughed at myself.

And I went for the exam seminar for Crim and let's just say that I was shocked when I found out that this guy in my class drafted his own hypothetical/exam question. Like. Oh, My, God. Apart from some of his choice of words that were distinctly not the product of an exam setter (I quote: "Back to the unfolding drama." Haha), it was pretty much like the nightmare hypos I got for Torts last semester that had like ten million things going on simultaneously. And I, like MH, take another ten million years to figure out what the hell is going on, who killed whom, who is predisposed to insanity, who attempted to abet the impossible...GARH! I hate hypos with a vehement vengeance. (Why do I hate something with a vengeance? Because I want revenge against hypos for making me do badly. And yes, I'm choosing to ignore the times during which I kind of didn't study.)

The hypo made me laugh because of the sheer ridiculousness of the situation. In short, A abets (I think) B and C to rob some rich guy; A takes out vodka and all three got tipsy; B ends up killing rich guy; B is later shown to have some strange condition that causes B's moral senses to shut down when B takes alcohol (and you guessed it, B has never drunk before); and to round it all up, A later finds out that he broke into his own flat and killed his sister.

That is so funny. If it were an actual exam question I'd totally start laughing in the middle of the exam. I could never come up with something like that though; in the first place I'm not even bothered to try.

So that was an eye-opener, although in hindsight it wasn't really all that surprising considering who that guy is. I envy hardworking and smart people. I'm definitely not hardworking, and sometimes I doubt that I'm smart.

But yeah. I don't really care all that much. Not right now, anyway.

**

I washed the dishes and now my hands feel dehydrated and flaky. Yuck.

I had lunch with Tris and Mag at Munchy Monkey/Munchie Monkeys/Whatever and that'll be the last time I ever have lunch with the two of them and without anyone else.

Seriously. Put the two of them together and you get an incessant stream of bickerings. OHMYGOODNESS. Things got really heated up when Tris made some comment about the spelling of Mag's name and Mag said something about Tris' name not sounding Thai (Tris is Thai). I just sat there and didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

Very amusing people. Like, yeah!

**

I bought a compilation of better-known Johnny Cash songs and it's remarkable how much I love Joaquin and yet still think that his renditions of Cash's songs pale terribly in comparison to the original.

Okay, duh, Yelen. That totally goes withut saying. What I wanted to say was that Johnny Cash's cover of Nine Inch Nails's "Hurt" could be one of the most haunting songs I've ever heard. I watched the music video at Mel's and I was hypnotised by the vivid, evocative images, the melancholic juxtaposition of the old Johnny and footages of him when he was younger, and the unsettling intertwining of the music, the lyrics, and the visuals to create one of the most powerful and evocative music videos I've ever seen.

That's a legend for you. I totally got why the song gets to Mel everytime she hears it. I get shivers everytime I think about the video and hear Johnny's deep baritone singing the tortured words in my head.

I mean it IS a Nine Inch Nails song. We all know that Trent Reznor is like, the poster boy for self-destruction and angst. It's just unsettling that Johnny Cash was singing those words, with the knowledge that he died not long after that song was released. I don't know, it disturbed me quite a bit, especially the line "what have I become". I can't get it out of my mind sometimes.

**

I have Contract tomorrow and I haven't got started on trying to do the tutorial again. I hate Contract. I severely doubt if I can even manage a C.

Tell me again why I'm still in law school?

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010