ramblings at 2 a.m.
written: 2:20 a.m. on Saturday, Apr. 15, 2006

Damn, I'm totally spamming my own diary.

I was in quite a hurry to get rid of the previous Joaq-channelling-Johnny-Cash layout because I HATED IT. The transparency percentage I attributed to the entry box was too high; I couldn't even read my own diary properly without squinting/highlighting the words. And this afternoon, after the previous entry, I finally figured out how to transfer pictures from my (okay, my dad's) handycam to my laptop and I couldn't find a better picture to use and I was too lazy to search the Net for nicer pictures and so I went with a stupid one of myself fooling around with the handycam.

In case it's not obvious enough, I was taking a picture of myself taking a picture of myself. Um...the rectagular thingy is my mirror. And yes, that's Jielun's Incomparable Live 2004 CD poster on my wall. I am very proud of it.

I didn't study AT ALL today. Yesterday. I have absolutely no self-discipline.

The thing is, not going to school for so long has put me in a way-too-early holiday-ish mood. I keep thinking of my upcoming trip to Taipei (!!!): visiting NTU (as in National Taiwan University; I have no interest at all in visiting the local NTU), going to the Taipei zoo, checking out hot guys, buying clothes, taking pictures with the digital camera that I will get after the exams are over, cutting my hair, all these cool things. Oh, and eating my favourite Taiwanese snack - or just my favourite snack, period - of all time, which I will name except I don't know what 'dou gan' is in English and I forgot the English counterpart of 'hai dai'. Have I ever mentioned that I love Taipei? Because I do. A lot. And my grandfather will be having his 80th birthday dinner which means I'd get to see all my relatives. I haven't seen half of my cousins in years.

Of course, more likely than not I wouldn't talk to any one of them but just seeing them would be nice.

It's not that I don't want to talk to them; it's just that I don't know what to say to people in general. And sadly, cousins are people in general. I don't even know what to say to the cousins in Singapore whom I see once every two weeks at least. I mean, I could talk to them if we sat down and had a nice long chat or whatever but the small talk thing? I just canNOT do it. This, by the way, is me attempting to talk to people who can speak English; can you imagine how terribly stupid I'd sound stuttering in crappy Mandarin to my (mostly I think) non-English speaking cousins? If I had time to sit down and think of the right Chinese phrases to use as substitutes for the English ones that automatically come to mind, I could probably hold a pretty fluent conversation with an expert Mandarin speaker; but the thing about talking is that it's not writing. You don't have time to think; you're put on the spot to respond and you only have 3 seconds to do so; and when I'm put on the spot, my brain functions at 10% of its total efficiency rate, which means that the right Chinese phrases only come to mind hours after the conversation has taken place.

I'm quite retarded when it comes to Chinese. I think it's good, then, that my mom and brother aren't going to Taipei. I won't have anyone to speak English to, which means I'd be forced to speak in Mandarin, which means I'd force myself to sound halfway intelligent and vaguely Chinese when I do so in order to avoid embarrassing myself. After all, I value pride over many other things in life.

Actually, what I really wanted to say in this entry was that I was reading some of my 2004 entries and I was astounded by what an arrogant prick I was. I think many people hated me in Jurong, or they would've if they'd read my diary entries. How criminal of me.

Having said that, I think objectively I was slightly justified because of this and that (you know, Jurong being Jurong and me being...well, yeah) and to be quite frank, I still think that humility is mostly just political correctness and hence a waste of time. You pretend to be humble because you don't want people to think that you're arrogant even if you ARE arrogant when all you really wanna do is yell "I'm better than you sucka!" in their faces.

But I suppose the reason you stop yourself is because those people are not your enemies and a small fraction are your friends and deep down inside you're really not a bitch. Or at least, I hope you're not.

I'm sleepy. This entry isn't making any sense at all. Then again when do I ever make sense? Ever?

I'm so bad at keeping in contact with people. I always want to SMS people but I never get round to doing it. I don't SMS anyone - literally. I only reply to SMSes and even then I don't reply to every single one and most of the time I reply a few hours later. Hard to believe that I used to answer SMSes immediately after reading them.

I want to watch Veronica Mars. It's been downloading for over 32 bloody hours. Four more episodes and the season is over. Hopefully it won't be the end of the series too. Do you have any idea how much it hurts to love a TV series with crappy-as-hell ratings and how much the heart is constantly teetering on the brink of an attack because the threat of cancellation is so very present all the time? I would die without a Season 3. I'm not ready to let go yet.

Oh, and lastly, before I go to bed (it's 2.58 a.m. and I'm half zonked) - I caved. I started watching Season 2 of One Tree Hill.

Thankfully there's nothing awfully nail-biting about the way Episode 2 concluded so I can stave off the watching until after May 3.

I can't believe I have to take a Contract exam. Ugh. What a pain.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010