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you do it to yourself, you do.
written: 11:04 p.m. on Saturday, May. 13, 2006

It's nearly 24 hours and that scene from the finale is still replaying over and over in my head and I still feel disturbed and I think I know why. You kind of think that a person is a certain way and when that person is revealed to be someone who's capable of things beyond your wildest imagination it throws you off-guard and takes your breath away and you're left confused and bewildered and lost. It's like someone you know killing herself when that person hasn't displayed any signs of depression. And yet I don't know what it's like either 'cause I woke up this morning with the finale in mind and nothing else; when I was alone my mind immediately wandered to the finale and that scene; and it's supposed to be just a television show and yet it's more real than the shit that has been my life for the past few months.

This doesn't make any sense.

I was out the whole fucking day today and I'm fucking tired right now, bloated and painful and dry-eyed. Damn. Insignificant family thing at grandma's. I spent the whole time watching TV in my grandma's room. I even sat through Cai Kang Yong's Liang Dai Dian Li Gong Si (which is full of stupid people) and I discovered that I am STILL very much attracted to guys who give off a distinct Jay Chou vibe. The show featured 5 delivery guys - of all things - and all of them were ugly and crass Taiwanese (to explain this would take up too much energy which I don't currently have) except the guy who was in the middle. HE'S HOT, OH MY GOD. Like, smoking hot, the stuff that bathroom fantasies are made of. And I'm sure everyone has bathroom fantasies. But anyway, they were supposed to show off their "talents"; the rest of them did the predictable singing (badly) and dancing (badly) and telling (bad) jokes and imitating (badly) actors on popular variety shows. My Smoking Hot guy, however, reveals that he draws things on pure-white Converse-esque shoes and sells them at Shi Lin night market (which I am SO going to when I jet to Taipei later this month). And like...the pair he brought to the show was so pretty. I'd totally buy it. Honestly. Most importantly, though, he totally had the Jay Chou vibe going and it was so hot and I would attempt to explain why I can't resist the Jay Chou vibe when I'm not attracted to Jay Chou anymore but even I don't bloody understand it so we shall leave it at that.

I brisk-walk when I shop and I hate going to popular shopping malls on weekends because they are congested with people and the crowd slows down my pace and I HATE IT when I have to slow down.

I had lunch with Azrul and he made me laugh a lot. It was certainly fun. The JJC tie suicide is much better than what I threatened to do if I didn't get an A1 in GP or whatever it was; I said that I'd hang myself in front of the general office. Hanging oneself with the Jurong tie, however, drips with so much more symbolism than hanging oneself in front of the GO. But imagine! Hanging oneself with the tie AND in front of the GO. How genius would that be? Absolutely genius, of course.

Anyway, I walked around after Azrul and I parted ways and it was FUCKING BORING. Apart from gifts and whatever else, the only thing I bought for myself today was the Buffy Season 1 DVD set. I tried on ten million clothes but didn't buy anything.

I desperately need a change of scenery.

I'm going to watch Season 2 of VM again. I really feel like a friend of mine had died, you know. It's crazy. It really tops Season 1 for me now, simply because I CAN'T GET THE FINALE OUT OF MY HEAD. It keeps haunting me and I dreamt of it (I even dreamt of Dick's reaction which we never got in the episode) and...UGH. Veronica, why do you torment me so? It's emotional abuse. I can't believe I have to wait until after August for the Season 2 DVDs, because I'd really love to have them now.

I loved Logan too. The protective boyfriend. He's every girl's dream come true.

Or rather, he's MY dream come true. And don't worry; the irony isn't lost on me.

Not in the best of moods. Too much shit going on inside. I don't know.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010