my internal monologue.
written: 10:24 p.m. on Wednesday, Jul. 05, 2006

I hate this. Just put me out of my misery right now. The most poetic way to end my life would totally be to die on my stupid, stupid birthday. Come to think of it, that'd probably be the best birthday gift, ever.

Sorry, I'm cranky. Actually I think I'm more than cranky. I can't stand how I'm Miss Avoidance and how I can't do anything good for someone else and how afraid I am of being close to another person, both physically and mentally/emotionally. I don't know what is wrong with me and I should've done more that day but I didn't because I freaked out and I didn't know how to react and so my solution was to walk away.

I'm aware that nobody has any idea what I'm talking about, but it doesn't matter because I'm trying to clear my mind here. I kept playing the events over and over in my head and I can't stop thinking about them because they meant more to me than I let on. And I don't understand why I couldn't stick around a little longer, or why I couldn't call when I got home, or why I still haven't managed to muster up enough...whatever to write a message. I feel like I'm 16 again, going out with a guy for the first time, and I'm all awkward and confused because I know it's wrong to want the things I think about without a more substantial reason other than "my hormones are like fucking raging, dude".

Why is the heart and the groin always mutually exclusive for me?

Why have I never been physically attracted to a Singaporean male? I mean sure I've gone out with guys whom I found good-looking, but not to the extent that they made me want to get physical with them. I mean, yeah. It's so stupid and my love life is a major joke and I just cannot get over how afraid I am of physical contact. For normal people a kiss is just a kiss, but for me a kiss has to be done in private, I have to know what I'm doing, I have to analyse the situation first to make sure everything is right, I have to have control. I have to be sure, I have to be ready, and so it's like I'm about to have sex, except I'm not and so this whole thing is bloody ridiculous.

I wish I could explain it but the only thing I can think of is "I'm Asian".

What an excuse. What a major, shameless cop-out. I don't like myself very much right now.

**

I swam a lot today and it was good because it helped me focus my negative energy on trying to lose weight. I think that's good.

I'm not very coherent right now.

It was just a few hours but they were some very important hours. At least now I know for sure that I have to get out of this country. I would explain, but I don't want to and so I won't.

I'm thinking of that Veronica Mars scene again when Troy leans in to kiss Veronica after their date, but she pulls away after rambling (uncharacteristically) on about how she has to get home or something like that. She's waiting for something, and I'm afraid of something.

So, my million-dollar question to myself: What are you afraid of?

**

Random thought: I'm craving for chocolate cake right now; specifically, Lana chocolate cake.

**

I wish I could find a guy like him in Singapore.

But then again, if I did find a guy like that, his nationality would murder all the fun.

Ugh. Where's my one-way ticket to either Taipei or New York?

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010