how i spent the eve of my twentieth birthday.
written: 7:57 p.m. on Thursday, Jul. 13, 2006

It wasn't as good as the first but it was decent. Johnny Depp felt under-used but he was hilarious anyway. The drunken routine can never become overdone.

I had a fight with my mom and it was the worst fight we had in quite a while. Frankly, I thought it was just waiting to happen. You know how it is when you're around someone so much that it becomes difficult to be patient with them? Well, it looks like I've been around my mom way too much, so much so that I wanted to start this entry with 'My mom is crazy and out of control'.

And the fight wasn't even over anything major; it was more of a culmination of all the times I felt ticked off by her (and vice versa, I'm sure) because she didn't understand the words I use or forgot the things I told her or said things that hurt me or annoyed me by asking ten million questions when I wanted to go out like I was a kid that needed protection.

I can't go anywhere without her knowing, because she's home all the time. That's one of the major downsides of having a mom who doesn't have a regular 9-to-5 job: she's around so much that you can't slip by her or leave the house spontaneously without telling her. And it's annoying, even stifling, because it's ridiculous that I have to answer to her like a fucking petulant teenager despite the fact that I'm supposedly turning twenty tomorrow. And she blames me for not being independent enough, like it's my fault that she thinks I'm unable to live abroad by myself. God, it's so ludicrous that I haven't even the words to describe it.

She doesn't trust my judgement.

In fact, neither does my dad.

Another reason why living in Singapore sucks? You don't get to move out when you turn 18 while everyone else in the rest of the not-Singapore world does. My cousin in Taiwan was surprised to learn that I'm still living at home.

I just can't stand being obliged to tell them the details of my personal life all the time. Who I'm going out with, where I met this guy, what time I'd be back. I've never stayed out past 12 midnight. Can you believe that? I'm turning twenty tomorrow and I've never stayed out past 12. Who in the world does that? I've never came home drunk, I've never had sex with anyone, hell I've never even brought a boy home to an empty house. I mean yeah I did some stupid crap when I was 16 but I haven't done anything to top those stupid crap since then, and you're allowed to do stupid crap at 16 because that's what normal and stupid 16-year-olds do, it's what being 16 entails, you make wrong decisions and you learn from them and you're stronger as a result so that you don't make the stupid mistakes again. What more do they want from me?

This whole family has avoidance issues. No wonder I find easier to turn my back on a problem than to deal with it face-on. Maybe it's even an Asian thing.

You know what? Whatever. Forget it.

**

That hair stylist in Taiwan was right. I have shitty hair and it needs treatment. It gets little tangles all the time, and on the rare occasion the tangles become one huge knot and it's all I can do to stop the urge to just yank off that part of the hair to solve the problem.

I should have done something big today. Mag was right; it is my last day of being a teenager. It means I'd never have the chance to look back ever again. After today, it's all over. And how did I spend this last precious day? I fought with my mom.

I hate myself and I want to die.

I hate birthdays with a fiery passion.

I don't want to deal with any of this.

**

I'm too tired to indulge in birthday angst.

**

Edited to add at 11.31 p.m.:

Forget all of that. Things are okay now. Did we talk about it at all? Of course not. I grew up on Avoidance.

It's also easier for me this way so I'm not complaining.

There is currently a stupid zit on my chin waiting to explode. Arghh what the hell.

Strangely, I'm not feeling very angsty right now. This is highly unusual; I usually start feeling really shitty right about...now.

I think my Buffy DVDs arrived today. There was a note from SingPost telling me that they came by my house and no one answered the door. Um, well, I was sleeping so I kind of had no idea what was going on outside. In any case, my mom arranged for them to come by again on Saturday so I can't wait! I've been waiting for about three weeks for them.

I received my debit card bill. Two region 1 Buffy DVD sets for S$80. This is possibly the best deal ever.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010