i am jack's complete lack of surprise.
written: 7:24 p.m. on Saturday, Jul. 22, 2006

So, last night was pretty nice. My parents actually didn't tear me to pieces when I got home later than I said I would, and my dad actually didn't totally flip when I told him who I was out with. He has this thing against me going out with guys that I did not meet in an educational institution - more specifically, an educational institution that I attended or am currently attending. He also has this thing against me going out with guys in general, because my track record seems to show that I have an amazing knack for picking guys that are totally wrong for me, but let's not get too much into that right now.

Because the truth is, things aren't always what they seem. You go into something thinking you know exactly when to pull out, but sometimes circumstances change and you end up not knowing what you want at all. I'm trying not to think too much. In fact, I'm trying not to think at all.

But if you take away the thought function you're left with the feeling function and we all know that totally cannot be trusted.

Because last night was slightly more than pretty nice, at least up to the point where my mom called me on my cell at 10.50 p.m. (wow, that's like, so damn late, /sarcasm) and I was shouting at her to hold on whilst I hurried downstairs to talk to her, away from the loud music and the seeming millions of people that were packed into one tiny space at the second floor of Wala Wala. My mom almost went psycho on my ass and so I had to go, which prompted the beginning of the suckfest that was the next thirty minutes, and I'm still quite embarrassed by the amount of inconvenience I caused (unwillingly). But still, the preceding events were more than pretty nice, and so I have a problem.

And then there was that dream.

I should just stay home until school starts. The deeper I get myself into this shit, the harder it'd be for me to get out. The warning signs are tacked everywhere and history seems to be repeating itself and I've never been one to exercise proper self-control.

At Haagen Das, he was telling a funny story about his friends and he was smiling and suddenly I saw Troy Vandegraff (Aaron Ashmore; Veronica Mars) in my mind's eye. My most vivid Troy/Veronica scene is still the one in which Veronica pulls away when Troy tries to kiss her after their first date.

You know, sometimes I think it'd be much easier to be some droning science nerd. I keep tacking on symbolism and deeper meanings to places that don't contain any, reading coincidence as something more poetic than that, and just, well, doing stupid, stupid things, like breaking up with a perfectly decent guy over a bloody dream I had. Sometimes it makes perfect sense why I've been single since, like, forever, and why I've never had a meaningful relationship. I can't handle things like that and I keep holding out for something bigger which may not doesn't even exist. Things - my life - me - would be so much easier, less complicated, if one plus one simply equalled two. One correct answer for every single question, no room for argument, much less a second opinion, let alone creative space to contort a fact and produce a truth.

My first boyfriend always told me, "You think too much." Back then, I thought, "That's because you don't think at all."

Now, I think he was kind of right.


All of that aside, last night was really nice.

I realised that I'm sheltered to a fault, to the extent that it can become quite embarrassing. For one, I never knew that you had to buy a drink to get into a pub; for another, I never knew either that they stamped your arm before letting you into a pub; further more, I also never knew that you had to queue to get into a pub.

The last time I willingly queued to do something was in December 2004 when I queued for four hours to get Jay Chou's autograph. Even then I was pretty much stuck in a shopping mall, with nice air-conditioning, and so the perspiration was minimised. Last night was hot and sticky and yucky and there were yucky people smoking around me...

But we got up, like, finally, and there was some cover (covers? As in song covers) band playing and at first I felt like my eardrums could burst any moment but a short while later everything kind of fell into place. I mean, yeah, people were pushing by me and I seemed to be blocking waiters and whoever else but it was an interesting experience.

I feel like a dork just writing this. Being 20 and having close to zero pubbing experience is kind of like being 16 and having never gone to Orchard Road. In other words, my sheltered lifestyle is so totally not helping my street cred at all.

Okay, I know. What street cred? ("I am totally serious about my cred with the urban demo!" Uh, just ignore that; random Veronica Mars quote that popped into my head.) Um, I'm just saying.

My mom was even funnier than me, however. I told her that I was outside a pub (meaning, a food and beverages establishment that serves alcohol and charges a ridiculous $5.90 for a stupid cup of Coke) waiting to get in and she was all, "Don't drink alcohol! Don't let your drink leave your hand!" I bit back an urge to retort with something like, "Uh, are you kidding?" and just pacificed her by rolling my eyes and going, "Yeah okay."

GOD she should know by now that I care about my image way too much to drink in public and risk possible humiliation that involves puking, passing out, or both. Even better - she should know by now that I don't drink, period. I'm as straight-edged as the edges of, I don't know, a sheet of paper, for crying out loud. I don't know anyone who is as clean as me, as uncool as it is to profess. But do I care about being cool? Yes, but not your conception of it, because it is one that I could not possibly care any less about.

Um, I kind of forgot what my point was.

People have told me that I have the goody-goody face. Usually I'm all, Yeah, that's like fucking hilarious, because they'd be all so shocked when they discover the resident bitch that lurks underneath. Nowadays though, I don't know if that's such a good thing anymore. I don't know why. Nevermind.


I spent my whole day watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I like the show very much.

I'm still waiting despondently for Veronica Mars 3 to start. My withdrawal is getting worse. Random VM quotes pop up in my head at the oddest of times, I'm seeing Veronica's ex-boyfriends in the guys I go out with (okay, guy), and...yeah. I miss my show so damn badly. I really hope its ratings improve so that it can have a full 22-episode pick up! If it's cancelled at 13, I will be devastated. I may not even recover. It will be the deadliest blow to me...um, like, ever.

Words of wisdom from Dick Casablancas: "Never. It's like forever, but worse." Hahaha.


I'd like to say that I love Magdelene. She's bringing back the whole 'talk on the phone for two hours' thing into my life, and it's awesome. She knows things that are going on in my life that no one else knows, and it's really, really nice to have someone around to tell things to. And believe me, I'm like, bloody flattered that she tells me things, because it makes me feel special. Haha. I don't know how effectively useful I am, but hey. I can't wait for Tuesday! We're gonna lunch at Changing Appetites. We were supposed to go back there but never got round to doing so and so we're making up for it next Tuesday. Wahoo!


Sex, drugs and alcohol.

Wait...I think it's supposed to be sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll.

The third one I like. The first two? Not so much. Especially not the second.

Then again, I wouldn't know about the first, now would I?

I'm going to watch House of Wax on HBO later on at 9 because of Jared IStillCan'tSpellHisLastName from Gilmore Girls. He's so cute. I'm going to watch Supernatural just for him. It's this WB drama with, like, ghosts, which is, like, real scary, and all that.

I must find someone to watch Pulse with me when it opens. I CAN'T BELIEVE I STILL WANT TO WATCH IT even though the trailer scared me to death. Damn, Kristen Bell. Damn you and your awesomeness and brilliance. When I get nightmares for the rest of my life I'm so gonna blame you for it.


So, why am I Jack's complete lack of surprise?

Because I am me, after all. I am what I am. Leopard spots - you know what they say.

before sunrise // before sunset

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