dead to me.
written: 10:28 p.m. on Sunday, Sept. 24, 2006

It feels like a year ago since I last cut someone out of my life without a word. But it's happened again; in fact, it's happened a long, long time ago. Friendship is a two-way street, and so when one person decides to block out her portion of the road, there's really not much I can do - except to simply not give a fuck.

As Gavin Rossdale is singing, You're dead meat.

Except you're really dead to me and I really don't care enough to revive you, once again. All the times you failed to show up when you said you would, your empty SMSes that ultimately meant absolutely nothing, you have your own life and I have mine and we're all good this way. I may not show it but I remember everything - the promises you failed to keep, the times you failed to show up, the special occasions during which you characteristically bailed on people who counted on you.

I am so over you.

**

I still only want to write because it remains the only thing I'm good at. I can't wait to graduate, because then I'd finally be able to do what I want. I apologise, therefore, for depriving another person of his/her place in law school, one who probably deserves it more than me if he/she has always wanted to be a lawyer (I really can't imagine why).

The past few weeks have been...interesting. Self-questioning was had, self-searching took place, and as usual, no new revelations surfaced. It always amounts to the same conclusion, time and time again, and this is why I'm so sure that it's the right answer to all my questions. It's why I seem to repeat myself ten million times over and over again and I know I must sound like a broken record but when all is said and done, writing is the be all end all. NOTHING comes even remotely close - not my crazy, radical political inclinations, not my outrage at blatant violations of human rights, not even my desire to do something about all the wrongs that are going on in the world. It's what they'd call a 'calling', and that's why law school irritates me more than anything else the majority of the time.

So I guess the biggest mistake of my life continues to be made, but it's okay because at least I know for sure this is what I chose, for whatever crappy, dubious reason.

Life begins after law school. That's my personal maxim from this moment on.

**

So the other day Ruishan pointed out this Logan Echolls lookalike to me while we were eating outside the canteen. And indeed he looked like Logan - from the side.

But THAT IS GOOD ENOUGH. I've always wanted to date Logan Echolls; he's truly the troubled, dangerous guy that all (well, kind of) girls are attracted to at SOME point in time. My predilection for emotionally fucked-up, self-destructive guys has waned over the years, but because dating a guy like that is an unfulfilled wish, Logan kind of fills in the gaps. It really figures, too, that he's a character on TV.

(Side note: I was thinking today that they should've explored Logan's relationship with his dad more before they offed the latter. I think Logan's characterisation would be even more interesting if there was some conflict in him between staying loyal to his father and hating him because of who his father is. It also would've given more space for Jason Dohring to flex his acting chops, and we all know he's got plenty of those. Oh well.)

But because real life always pales in comparison to its fictitious/fictional counterpart, the Logan lookalike is probably totally un-Loganish.

My point, in short, is: Who cares?

**

I watched the Singapore Idol finals and um, I think Hady is much better than Jonathan. I can't believe that the NUS admin was seriously wu liao (um, lame?) enough to send the whole damn student body - including those who don't give the slightest fuck - an email asking everyone to "support our Singapore Idol worzzz!!1!1" at some taping or other at the University Cultural Centre. They really do not have anything better to do with their time. And as a matter of principle, why the hell would I support someone just because he's from my university? 1) He's not even in my faculty; 2) Even if he WAS in my faculty I wouldn't care anyway; and 3) I don't even like my university. The ONLY reason I'd support someone is Talent. Plain and simple.

I can already foresee the legion of Jonathan Leong fangirls busting their phone bills ballot-stuffing for him. Hence, I think I'm going to vote once for Hady, just because he can actually sing.

But I don't remember the SMS number and I'm too lazy to search for my phone so I guess we'll see about that.

And Jon isn't good-looking. Trust me, I've seen hotter guys around. And yes, they include local, NUS guys.

I can't understand how people can go all fangirly over Singapore Idol contestants. It already boggles the mind that people can go crazy over American Idol contestants. They're just people, people. Please get a brain. Thank you.

**

My love life is a fucking joke. I can't believe nothing is happening. This is the saddest thing ever. I'm a sad, sad individual.

But I'm glad I seem to be losing weight. At least now I'd be able to look at myself in the mirror and not feel the urge to take a very large knife and slice off all my fats. Swimming is really a lot less painful and bloody, not to mention relatively non-fatal. I think.

You know, on second thoughts, I take back what I said a long time ago about law school guys. There are actually some who aren't CMI (CMI = cannot make it. I credit Angela for this handy abbreviation), and some of these Not CMI law guys are - gasp - actually in - GASP - my year! And, um, I don't know what my point is. I just wanted to record down that interesting and keen observation.

I haven't done any work at all. I'm lazy.

My first real driving lesson tomorrow. Downside? It's at 3.45 p.m. I'd be too lazy to get out of the house by then, and by the time I come home I'd be too lazy to swim. Dammit. Most of my Monday lessons are at 3.45 because I booked those slots when I didn't know that my Mondays end at 11.15. So yeah, this is major teh suck.

Also, I discovered that this guy I was mildly interested in reminded me way too much of this other guy with whom I had a I don't even know what the fuck to call it last year, and so I'm glad that the former went on exchange.

I'd never date a sporty guy. I'd never go out with a guy who's obsessed with football (soccer as Singaporeans call it for some inexplicable reason, since we don't do American football and so there's no need for the distinction. Naturally this 'soccer' thing really pisses me off). I CAN'T STAND football because everyone male in this country is obsessed with it for whatever reason and it's just so typical and I can't stand that. Lastly, I'd never do the whole ������ thing EVER AGAIN. (I don't know how to translate the Chinese phrase. It's one of those things that simply don't have an appropriate English equivalent.)

Oh, and one more thing: Any guy who uses '..' and tries to pass it off as the ellipsis and somehow fails to include the apostrophe in the contraction for "it is" is completely unworthy of my time and attention. It's just stupid, end of story. And I can't take such retarded forms of stupidity; it's simply wrong on so many levels that I wouldn't know where to begin to bitch about it even if you asked me.

Perfection doesn't exist and I don't settle for anything less anymore and so I'm remaining single for the rest of my life.

Lastly, I want to date VJ Issa from MTV Chinese. I watched the Karaoke thingy today and it was obvious that he can't speak proper English but GOD his Mandarin is gorgeous. And he's very funny. And he's damn cute. I don't like the goatee but I can overlook that because he's damn cute. And he's Taiwanese and I like hot Taiwanese guys that have the awesome Taipei Mandarin accent, which he has. And he made a joke out of a Jay Chou song, Track #8 from Still Fantasy, and it's damn funny. Jay Chou was "teaching" the audience how to sing the song; he said a lot of stupid things that only made me roll my eyes (example: must wear white when singing Bai Se Feng Che [because bai se is white], and must wear black when singing Hei Se Mao Yi [because hei se is black]), but more importantly he was all, "You MUST sing 'bei' in the first line of the chorus as 'bei' and not 'pei'."

Incidentally, I used the line "wo bei ni zou dao zui hou" as one of my entry titles and I typed it as "wo pei ni zou dao zui hou". His pronunciation is so amazing that I thought the word was "pei".

Anyway, Jay Chou went on to say something about how the image of the guy carrying the girl on his back and, like, running up and down the beach or whatever was a romantic image, which is the lamest thing ever. And when Jay was done destroying another great song of his by talking rubbish about it, Issa picked on that 'carrying girl on his back' thing and was all, "If you're really getting into the song and you're extremely moved by the mental image, you can bring it up a notch and sing the line as, 'Wo kang ni zou dao zui hou." (As in ��, if my Chinese is correct. It probably isn't.)

HAHAHAHA. I'm sorry but that mental image is just funny. I loved him for making that joke because yeah what Jay said was stupid and deserved to be made fun of.

Jay Chou is full of shit and I mean that in a bad way.

Issa is cute. I hate his crappy English name but I'm too lazy to type out the Chinese. But he's soooo cute. Like, so completely cute. I wish he'd shave though; I hate goatees because they always mar an otherwise perfect face.

And speaking of goatees, my god Jielun's fugly-ass goatee thingy is back in full force. GOD HELP US ALL.

**

I'm done for the night. Off to decide whether or not I feel like doing Property. Probably not, knowing myself.

entry requires chinese simplified encoding

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010