here's what you gotta do.
written: 5:18 p.m. on Monday, Jan. 15, 2007

Kinda sucks that TLA isn't my tutor, but hey. And I must be the only whacked-out person in the entire law fac who's excited about the Public Law assignment. It's an essay, dude. Don't we all love writing essays? Well, I know I do. It's the research part that's gonna suck though. I'm too lazy for my own good.

Anyway, guess what I received from the Sisterhood today? Check this out:

A new cow (left) to keep my Small Cow (right) company! Like, how completely cool is that? Like, so totally! Milkers (name of new cow) was listening intently in Trusts lecture today, which isn't what I can say for myself. Halfway through Tris, who sat in front of me, cownapped Milkers and did some...really weird, Tris-y stuff with him. Haha. I love the new cow. Thanks girls. :) (A smiley, just for you guys. I think I have a grand total of five smileys in this entire blog - and there are over a thousand entries in here.)

I didn't understand what went on in Trusts today, as usual, and I found a stack of 'teaching plan' in my mailbox from my beloved tutor, THW. OMG. I can't believe he's my tutor. And and and the tutorial is this week and the textbook hasn't arrived. WTF. I might just skip out on preparing for tutorial entirely; it's not like I really give a damn either way. And I wasn't aware that the Trusts reading list is already up on IVLE.

My grades are always pre-destined, just like the humanoids in Brave New World.

I can't wait for Veronica Mars to return already. Seriously, I'm going nuts awaiting the new episodes, wondering how Logan and Veronica are going to interact with each other now that they've broken up. And speaking of LoVe, I've always dug this exchange from Episode 2-20, Look Who's Stalking:

Logan: I thought our story was epic, you know? You and me.

Veronica: Epic how?

Logan: Spanning years and continents. Lives ruined, blood shed, epic. But summer's almost here. We won't see each other at all. Then you'll leave town, and then...it's over.

Veronica: Logan...

Logan: I'm sorry. About last summer. If I could do it over...

Veronica: Come on. Ruined lives, bloodshed? Do you really think a relationship should be that hard?

Logan: No one writes songs about the ones that come easy.

Just...totally...love this exchange. The whole Logan/Veronica relationship. The undeniable, irrepressible chemistry between them; the issues that they have that somehow always seem to get in the way of things; and how he's always saving her. And how she's always pushing him away.

Also, another exchange from a Season One episode of VM popped into my head recently. It was Episode 1-05, You Think You Know Somebody. Veronica got frustrated with Troy's nonchalance towards his dad's lost car thingy, and Troy asked her, "Let's just say that you've been told you have 72 hours to live. How do you spend them? You can dig through medical texts looking for a miracle cure or you can make those 72 hours the best three days of your life. And I choose sexy fun time."

Her answer? "I choose a miracle cure."

I don't think V and I are alike in many ways. She's stronger, she's smarter, she has trust issues, she's got the skill of compartmentalising down to an art. But with regard to the miracle cure, she and I are totally on the same page. I used to think I'd choose sexy fun time; but now, I know I'm much more of a fighter than that. (Another way to look at is I'm in denial.)

Oh well, I don't know what I'm talking about. I get a lot of my epiphanies from watching VM. This reminds me of how Mel gets epiphanies from watching South Park.

I didn't manage to get my shampoo. I forgot to go down to The Natural Source when I was at Raffles City on Saturday, and Origins charges $20 for shampoo. What the fuck. Like hell I'd pay $20 for shampoo. And conditioner costs another $20. That's like $40 to wash my hair? Yeah bloody right. So I'm still shampoo-less and my Body Shop shampoo is severely running out so I'm pretty much screwed. Does Singapore still have Wella anywhere? It's cruelty-free but I couldn't find it at Robinson. Bleah. Life is quite tedious sometimes. The things we do to adhere to our beliefs.

I want to take part in the Golden Point writing competition. Except, I have nothing to submit. Well. Story of my life. Incoherence is me, inchoate talent is also me, sometimes I don't even think I have a talent. It's more a passion, but just because you love something, doesn't quite mean it's meant for you.

Well, we'll see how things go.

I've always been stubborn, haven't I? I always want to do things my way. I always think I know how to take care of myself, and I get really irritated when other people try to decide what's best for me. The argument always goes: How the hell can you know what's in my best interest when you're not me? Where the hell do you get off trying to decide for me, trying to protect me? I can protect myself. I can look after my own interests. After all, who's so bleeding stupid enough to walk with one's eyes wide open right into the tiger's den?

Well, I guess the answer to that is, You'll only know the answer to that question when the tiger has made you its lunch.

Haha. Nevermind. Incoherent psycho-babble. But I guess the point I'm trying to say is, sometimes you really need other people to take over. You're not all-seeing, more likely than not you're blinded by your emotions, you cannot be objective in a way that you need to be. The way you need to open up your eyes and see that the choice you're about to make is wholly capable of fucking you up, causing irreparable damage. To quote Hannah, "You can't survive on a diet of hope."

True that.

And there are also times during which an inexplicable, almost supernatural thing happens. In moments of desperation and despair, an epiphany strikes you out of nowhere and tells you, firmly, the answer you've been looking for. It's a sudden realisation that this is what you need to do; it's the best thing for you to do right now; and this is what you're going to do. A roadmap from thin air, to Christians I guess it's the voice of God, to me it's...I don't know, a sudden realisation. And everything just falls into place after.

I think I don't have enough rationality in me. I let my emotions sweep me further and further away from the shore, let them leave me stranded in the middle of the ocean without any semblance to a life buoy in sight; and sometimes, all I need is a little dose of rationality to propel me back towards the shore where everything is stable and calm. As much as I love the ocean, the choppy waters at high tide can drown you. I'm not that expert a swimmer to survive it.

Ah, I feel a wave of personal growth coming my way. How lovely. Strangely, I don't quite have the capacity for regrets anymore. A year ago I wouldn't have believed this, but it's true. And that's just the way it is.

**

NEED. TO. START. WRITING. SOMETHING.

I don't know why I can't string together a coherent story anymore. It's not the writing that's difficult; it's the construction of the prose. The introduction, the rising action, the climax, the falling action, the conclusion. Stuff you learn in secondary school. I don't remember it exactly, but I think the gist is more or less there. I have all these snippets of scenes in my head and none of them gel together to form an entire picture. It's incredibly frustrating. I really need to write. I'm already twenty, for crying out loud, and I don't have anything worth reading. Seriously, that's more or less death for a person who claims to love writing.

Tres frustrating, it is. Fuck lah.

Too lazy to read Public Law right now. Perhaps after dinner.

I should stop procrastinating.

But when have I ever done things I should do?

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010