daddy's birthday + chinese new year day 3.
written: 7:56 p.m. on Tuesday, Feb. 20, 2007

I think I'm panicking. But I'm not really sure if I'm panicking. When I think of the assignment I feel this distant sense of anxiety, and I go on to do anything and everything but the assignment. Is that panicking? Maybe it's remote panicking. Like, you know you should panic and your body kind of reacts in the correct way but the rest of you is detached from the reality that the deadline is next Monday and you haven't even read the question, let alone came up with the thinnest of the slightest semblance to a thesis for the paper, and so you're kind of sedated and you continue sitting around, like, "Uh...okay."

This is bad, right? Yeah, it's bad. It has to be bad. That's the correct response, isn't it?

Fuck, I'm dead.

2. Chinese New Year stuff

Went to my aunt's for lunch where I sat in the living room and watched some Taiwanese variety show thingy. I only watched it because some celebrity-types were running around my favourite city in the whole wide world completing challenges. It's like, The Amazing Race, Taipei, But Reduced to 1% of What TAR is About. Or something.

That guy with the dreadlocks in that 7 p.m. Channel U drama is DAMN HOT, OH MY GOD. He's totally the kind of guy you'd wanna have a one night stand with.

Went to my grandma's house after that and five minutes after we stepped into the house, my mom's friends called her and demanded that she went to meet them at a mutual friend's house. So we all packed back into the car and drove to some condo at AMK Central, much to my brother's chagrin because he's, like, totally anti-social and shit. We ended up sitting there for close to an hour, much to my brother's severe annoyance (he's annoying). There was food on the table and I was staring at the fishballs, wanting to eat them, but I ate quite a bit of junk at my aunt's and so I controlled myself and told myself firmly, "No, Yelen, you're not going to eat the fishballs. Just - NO. Dammit, NO!"

Thankfully they cleared the table after a while and removed the scintillating temptation that almost did me in.

3. Dad's birthday

Went to eat at this seafood restaurant near our house. I'm fucking full right now and I just wanna like collapse and cut up my stomach and empty the contents. ARGH. And I didn't even eat that much, just some nice tofu, a few mushrooms, two prawns, and four fried buns dipped in chilli crab sauce. Yeah. I didn't even eat the crab 'cause I don't eat crabs, and yet I feel like my tummy could burst any minute. Disgusting eh?

My brother didn't go 'cause he's an idiot. He was all, "Wo hen lei lah! Wo bu yao qu!"

Um, okay, whatever. His bullshit really grates after a while.

Haven't cut the cake yet. It's some mixed fruits cake which means it's super creamy which means I need to swim twice a day from now onwards. I woke up early this morning just to swim and I swam on an empty stomach and I felt damn beat.

My dad was super surprised when I gave him his present, the Chinese translation of Candide (which HE'S READ BEFORE FUCKING HELL, not that I should be surprised since he's my dad and everything. Gah, how not fun). My mom was all, "Er shi nian di yi ci gei ni li wu!" (This is the first time in twenty years that she's giving you a present.)

Oh my god I honestly never knew that...like...oh that is just so wrong. I wanted to do a card but I didn't know what to write in it so I just dug out a scrap piece of nice paper and wrote a short message on it.

It's hard for me to express my feelings towards my parents - especially my dad. I'd rather avoid it altogether. Which is bad, but what's to be done about that, right? We've been brought up on Avoidance; I'm just too used to it. Maybe someday, but not now.

4. Et cetera

My CNY grand total just went up. $100 from my third aunt in Taiwan, $50 from my smallest uncle in Taiwan, and $16 from my mom's friends. Bwahahaha. I've never felt richer and thus I've never felt more inclined to shop and dammit I want to shop but there's bloody Public Law assignment so can I just die now? Please?

I just realised that I can't remember where I put my CNY money. Oh, shit.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010