i don't wanna be.
written: 1:40 a.m. on Monday, Mar. 12, 2007

Under the Bridge, Red Hot Chilli Peppers. Pei and I used to sing it all the time.

A bit tired but don't feel like sleeping. I miraculously edited my Equity assignment down to 1998, from 23-whateveritwas-6. A painful experience, to be sure.

Amidst the crappiness of the Equity assignment I've done some self-searching and I realised that I have more flaws than I'd originally thought. What tops the list most of all is how self-absorbed I am, so much so that I don't realise the implications and magnitude of other people's actions, especially when the action is for me.

I'm not person I want myself to be - not at all. You can baby me and say that I'm fine the way I am, but the fact is, I'm not. I am so incredibly ugly inside, so flawed and imperfect. I want to be a better person, to stop feeling like a constant disappointment to myself. I'm 21 in July. I think I owe myself this much.

All right, sleepiness kicking in. Off to bed.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010