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somewhere only i know.
written: 8:08 p.m. on Sunday, Apr. 08, 2007

The thing about dispensing advice to friends and strangers is that a part of you often feels hypocritical for saying the things that you say. On the one hand, you know that the advice you're giving is the right one because you believe in its truth and its value and its worth; on the other hand, the hypocrisy creeps in because you know, too, and equally as well, that despite your telling others what to do, you can't exactly say you're living by example either. You're not doing what you're telling others that they ought to be doing; too often, you want to be just like them, curled up in one corner with tears streaming down your face and staying there for a few days, letting the darkness settle and then taunt and hurt. You think you're stronger than that, and you want to believe that you are stronger than that, and maybe you are stronger than that; but nonetheless, you're human. You're intrinsically weak, just like everyone else. And so there are times - sporadic now, but still in existence - when you behave just like the people you're advising - self-destructive, stubborn, in denial. Constantly grasping at straws, trying too hard to rationalise things that aren't yours to rationalise, your brains going into overdrive over-analysing the same things again, and again, and again.

Is "But I'm only human" an excuse anymore? No, it's not. It's never been an excuse; it's a fact. It's what makes us the way we are. No matter how strong you think you are, you have to allow yourself room to fall. You're not perfect; no one is. If you keep expecting yourself to be perfect, it's only going to hurt more once you fall, because you wouldn't have expected it, wouldn't have prepared for it.

Something to think about.

**

I wanted to apply for CLAS internship again but I've decided to pass on this round of application. Why? Because I'm lazy. My laziness overwhelms my desire to help people whom I believe need help. Yeah, my laziness, in short, trumps my sympathetic side. Whatever.

But seriously - I already have two internships lined up for the holidays. I need bumming and doing-nothing time. Ideally, I'd bum and do nothing for three months but I've come to realise how utterly unproductive and wasteful and decadent that is, hence the internships. That doesn't mean I don't deserve bumming time, because I do, and I will have bumming time.

I'm trying to study liabilities of strangers to a trust but it's going really really really super slowly. Progress is virtually non-existent. My notes are already 15 pages long and I've only incorporated about five pages of the Pearce and Stevens chapter (the notes are the stuff I took down in lecture. I'm trying to supplement them). I hate studying for exams; I really do. Give me an assignment anytime, anyday.

**

I've thought about this for a while and I think it's time I started dating.

Seriously. I should start dating. Even if nothing comes out of anything, at least I'd be getting free meals and free movies. Ain't that great? I think it is too. I'm young, I'm single, I'm thin for once in my life, and even though I'm flat I think I'm still reasonably attractive. I should bank on that, right? Capitalise on it. Oh, wait, just before I forget, I'm also semi-smart, too.

Even if I might be rebounding, I should still start dating. Did I mention free meals and free movies?

Okay, I sound like some cheapskate. I don't know if I'm serious or not but yeah, just a thought. I'll mark it down as another 'thing to do after exams'.

Actually, forget everything I said. The whole dating ritual is too much of a hassle and I can't be bothered. To paraphrase a certain someone on whom I had a huge crush for a very long period of time, "I'm loathe to give up my swinging single life."

Except the said single life doesn't quite swing as much as lay really super still but you know, just sayin'.

Besides, the idea of dating...getting to know someone all over again...doing the 'does he like me does he not' shit all over again...um, just, like, NO.

**

The only good thing about LCS is my group members. Rui, Mag, Kel K, Mau, ZL. People I know and can stand to be stuck in a room with continuously for two hours, people who are my friends, people whom I can work with. We're pretty much on the same page about things and that's good; there are no ego trips, power battles, intellectual posturings. Everything is all well and good and LCS ends this week and THAT is fantastic so I guess there's some good in the generally-bad after all.

Besides, it's fun to gather 'round and bitch about, inter alia, how shit LCS is. Bitching is so totally awesome.

**

Eh, why is it that everyone automatically says "You didn't even put in effort" in relation to the A-? My mom said that, my friends said that, in fact everyone who said something to me about it said that. I wish I really didn't put in effort so that I can legitimately brag about it but the fact is, I did put in effort. I wrote two drafts. I thought about my argument. I spent time tweaking my argument and making it coherent. I dug up cases on Westlaw and read them. I don't use mugger notes because I deleted the ones I had (I think it was during a moment of extreme egotism and hell, I regret it) and also because I don't trust others enough to rely on their notes. I'd rather do my own summaries, but of course I procrastinate so much that I find myself with no time to do everything. But anyway, before I digress, my point is, I did put in effort! Maybe it wasn't the best effort like EVAH but there was still effort.

Besides, considering the fact that I thought the deadline was a week earlier than it really was, I started earlier on the assignment than normal people - which means I had more time to rewrite and edit than normal people. So, yeah. It didn't come from nowhere, it wasn't a stroke of genius, there was actually some sort of consideration involved in the whole transaction.

Generally, I'm a slacker. But when push comes to shove + when there's interest on my part involved, I do snap out of my slacker trance and try my best not to drown. So, there you go.

**

Talked to Mel on the phone til 2 a.m. this morning. Lots of hilarity ensued. I so miss her like crazy. She's the best friend for a reason; oftentimes, it needn't be explained, or put into words. It is what it is and that's all I need to know.

On another note,

Angel: You still my girl?
Buffy: Always.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010