the underestimate.
written: 1.30 a.m. on Sunday, May. 06, 2007

Ergo, I�ve been painfully saving my entries one by one - i.e., ploughing through my archives, selecting-all, copying and then pasting the entries onto a new MS Word document. The goal is efficiency and so I skip the part where I read what I�m saving, but a few sentences here and there have not managed to escape my attention.

And I have to say: Reading the kind of crap you wrote when you were a teenager? Totally painful. It�s the emotional equivalent of putting in a set of brand-new retainers. You don�t know whether to cringe in absolute embarrassment, laugh at your own idiocy, or just be humbled by the fact that you�re here today not by some freak accident, but because you�ve gone through all that you went through.

I won�t say I�ve been through a lot; half the people that know me will say I haven�t been through much at all. Still, for whatever it�s worth, sheltered as I am, I�m glad I did all the stupid, embarrassing, brain-dead, inexplicable things I did when I was younger, even things that I wasn�t exactly proud of in their immediate aftermath (now, though? I honestly don�t give a damn). I wouldn�t be the same person without them. Despite all my flaws and random, weird issues, I don�t think I�d want to be someone else. At all.

**

Semi-random thought: No offence to Christians and Catholics and believers of assorted major faiths, but I won�t date anyone with a religion. Ever. Besides the whole �been there done that wasn�t impressed� thing, there�s also this �major hotbed for a sure breakup� thing. Obviously, right? I won�t convert, ever, no matter how hard people try to convert me, and I won�t even TRY to seek to convert anyone, so let�s all just be happy believing in whatever we believe in and stay away from each other. Yeah.

What really irks me about people with religion is that some of them don�t seem to understand that one�s disbelief in religions can be as strong, if not even stronger, than their belief in religions. It strikes me as completely ludicrous that some people expect their significant others to convert to their religion, without considering or even pretending to understand that their significant others may feel as strongly about not believing in their religion as they do about, well, about believing. I find it insulting, derogatory, and just�disrespectful. I�m extremely lucky that I haven�t encountered guys like that and I�d like to keep it that way, thank you very much. Religion is an automatic deal-breaker for me.

And it just sucks for me that I haven�t encountered many guys who don�t have a religion. Oh well, too bad, whatever.

**

That old dude who hit on me the other day at work hasn�t returned so far and I�m heaving this major huge sigh of relief. Because, yeah, just no freaking way. I�m not that desperate. I�m not desperate, period.

**

We went for drinks at Wine Company near the school on Saturday night, after which we headed to school with a few bottles of beer in tow and sat down in the middle of the quadrangle where we drank, ate chips, and gossiped. It was fun, it was. The girls shared a small bottle of Hoegaarden�s Forbidden Fruit whatever between us and it was good. We had white wine at Wine Co before that and uh, yeah. Then there were three big bottles of beer and small Styrofoam cups and ice and no reason not to drink since I had a ride home so what the hell.

So what the hell, until I got red literally everywhere. I came home all red-faced, which was a first in truly a while. I thought my dad�s used to the reality that I�m not a nun and therefore I consume alcohol but he wasn�t very pleased. But I wasn�t pleased with this other small matter and so I didn�t care. Thankfully he didn�t give me anymore shit after I went into my room and locked the door.

Yeah, so, alcohol. Kyle was all, �Your alcohol tolerance level is really low.� Which is true, and I�m aware of that, the same way I�m aware of it when I get tipsy, when I�m sprouting nonsense, when I�m becoming embarrassing. It�s just what happens. I�m also aware of how easy it is to do something you WILL regret the morning after when under the influence of alcohol - it gives you a false sense of bravado, it makes you see things in a less serious light, the boundary lines that normally limit your actions and control you become less clear and sometimes they�re even erased. I still remember how, at the Law Frat concert, I split immediately when I realised that I might do something stupid and just plain bad if I stayed and continued drinking, and it was truly the first time since I�ve started drinking that I�ve felt that way, like I had to look after myself because there was no one to look after me, and if I didn�t look after myself, something really horrible and bad would happen. Cutting the fun short was definitely worth nipping the potential embarrassment and wrongness in the bud.

I think this applies not just to drinking: I�ve got my own back. Even when it seems like I haven�t, I�ve still got my own back. I haven�t given in to any inclinations and urges that alcohol fools me into thinking I want to act upon because I stop drinking when I feel like hell and when I know that anymore and I�d reach, like, the point of no return, or something. I still plan on getting completely pissed drunk one day because it�s like this rite of passage that everyone has to go through, but generally, my point is, the paternal figure should just quit worrying about me.

Yep. It�s currently 1.12 a.m., I have to wake up at 6.50 a.m. to go to work and I haven�t showered. This seems like a good place to conclude this entry.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010