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you, me, everything - caught in the fire.
written: 8:42 p.m. on Wednesday, May. 09, 2007

The most exciting thing that happened today was probably the fact that I talked to a cute guy. Or rather, I was looking lost and he asked me what I was looking for and I told him and he pointed me in the right direction and I said "Oh okay thanks!" and that was it. Yup.

Uh, so I kinda feel a little bit like how I felt in JC2 which is, uh, interesting. Uh, yeah.

I don't know what to say anymore.

Anyway, went to the Sub Courts today which beat staying in the office, after which I went for lunch with friends which was fun, after which I went back to the office and hunted around for work. In the end I was handed a file relating to Contract which freaked me out because, hello, my Contract sucks and I don't know anything beyond Offer & Acceptance and Consideration. And some smatters of uh, Mistake, Misrepresentation, Hong Kong Fir, Implied Terms. That's about it.

Fortunately, the file wasn't too confusing and I got the hang of it after a while. I have to draft something tomorrow morning and give it to the partner, who's really nice. HOW EXCITING. (Seriously.)

In the midst of freaking out over the Contract-related file, another partner asked me to research on an issue, because I was the only law student intern in the office; J and KM both went off to court. I'm pretty glad, actually. Having lots of work beats having no work anytime, anyday. It gets tiring pretending to be doing something, you know. And I feel funny and wrong about blatantly not doing anything. So, work is good.

I couldn't wake up in the morning and my mom drove me to Tanjong Pagar MRT and throughout the entire car ride I felt like I was dying. I wanted to sleep but couldn't because I can't sleep with my contacts on, so I tried REALLY SUPER HARD to force my eyes open. Same thing happened in court. Luckily I took the chair by the side so the judge couldn't see that I was really struggling to stay awake. It wasn't that it was boring; it was just that I was bloody tired for some odd reason. I came home at 9.30 last night, watched the second latest Grey's Anatomy, and was falling asleep. Afte that I surfed randomly for a bit and actually fell asleep with my hand on the mouse for like, three minutes. So, yeah, I'm not going out on the weekends 'cause I need to sleep. Yep.

In other news:

I need closure. But I don't dare to seek it because I don't know if I'm ready for it. I feel like one foot is already out of the door while the other remains stubbornly in, like it'd catch some incurable disease if it followed the first. Saying that I have to let go is easy; actually doing it, isn't quite.

It's an amalgamation of similar stories that happened over the years with a crucial element missing. That crucial element which was so excruciatingly present before chooses to abandon me now, this inopportune moment. Maybe there's something more to what meets the eye, maybe not, maybe I'd eventually want more, maybe I want things exactly the way they are. Maybe I don't even want anything. I just don't know right now and so I laugh a little too loudly to cover up the internal awkwardness and discomfort, and that tiny stab which reminds me all the time of what I should, but don't, have.

I don't know if I should, if I could - assuming, that is, that there is a preliminary ground upon which to enter into inquiry, that the precedent fact exists. Assuming it does, I'm more or less neither here nor there. The worst part? Sometimes I find myself inclined towards something just because of the lack of it - nothing more, nothing less. Selfish, selfish, selfish.

Gah, I hate uncertainty.

The more I think about it though, the harder it is to see myself turning back. I think maybe I've finally reached a point where enough is really enough, but not enough to fully let go.

The next academic year should make everything better. (Assuming I get the modules I want. I'd hate it if I ended up with modules I don't really want to take.)

Wanted to go clubbing with everyone else today but too fucking tired and must go work tomorrow so next time lah.

Lastly, can't wait to watch Blake. That rhymed.

(Title from Radiohead's "You")

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010